Elisa Wilson's Funniest Dating Stories

Jo (00:00.182)

You're listening to the Girls Get Off podcast, an R18 podcast on all things female pleasure. Think girl talk, but real girl talk, where we chat all things masty, self-loving, sex, orgasms and more. Nothing is off limits, which means you get all the secrets even our guests BFFs don't know. We're on a mission to make talking about getting off as fun as actually doing it. Ready to join the Mastination? Let's get into it.

Jo (00:31.385)

Welcome back to the Girls Get Off podcast. Today on the show we have Elisa. Now Elisa built her audience from rating ridiculous message requests from men on TikTok and sharing stories about the world of OnlyFans. Elisa has now ventured into emceeing and standup comedy and shares the same kind of stories to an audience that isn't censored by social media guidelines. Welcome to the podcast Elisa, so great to have you on today. Thank you so much for having me.

All right, and so we're getting ready to hear a couple of funny dating stories from yourself, but before we do, I'd love everyone to hear the context around your current relationship status, because I've heard that you're still technically married. You've also got OnlyFans happening at the moment, which is your main hustle. I'd love for you to share what that life looks like for you at the moment. Yeah, my gosh. So life at the moment is pretty chaotic. I am splitting my time between Hawke's Bay and Auckland.

So for the last, God, I gotta think how long I've married for, because technically, yes, I am still married, although I'm single, just to make things really confusing. And I was married for like six years, lived in Hawke's Bay, and then two years ago started doing OnlyFans. Just kind of on a whim, I didn't really expect it to take off. I was working on corrections prior to that as like a prison guard out at,

at an all-men's prison, so I really pendulum-swinged into the OnlyFans stuff. And thanks to, I guess, TikTok, a couple of things went viral when I first started doing it, and then the audience just kind of builds and builds. So for the last, it was two years, like a month ago that I've been on the platform, and yeah, you know, there's like a lot of- married? I'm still married, but I'm single. Were you still married at that stage? Like, married-married? Yeah, yep.

still married at that stage, it took like a little bit of convincing to like, my ex was definitely okay with me doing it in the first place. But I think, you sometimes you kind of have like an exit plan to be like, okay, I'm going to do it for like six months to a year and just see what happens and then pull back. And then when that expectation gets exceeded, you're just kind of like, okay, maybe I can keep milking this for a little bit longer and then.

Jo (02:49.548)

And then come the difference in values and things that you want and it's just one of those, nothing bad happened, just kind of like a natural progression of going separate ways. But still have a house together and a dog, so that makes things great. And so now you're back on the dating scene though. Yeah, it's awful. Yeah, was gonna say, how have you found it? You've been married to the love of your life and then now you're on the dating scene. Yep.

How are your feelings about this? my god, it's, it's slim pickings over the age of 30. I'm like, I come with baggage myself, so I don't know what I was thinking trying to find somebody that maybe didn't have any baggage, but everybody's got something. So it's just finding somebody that that baggage matches yours. I was seeing somebody in here, well, in Auckland for a little bit and it was not great. Just, yeah.

red flags that I thought were pink and then I convinced myself that they were green and then the red just really came through at the end. But it's to have the freedom to just be able to, I don't know, just not feel the pressure. know with relationships you kind of, I don't know, you become like really routine and there are expectations and then I think I'm just getting used to being single at the moment, you know, because a lot of myself is like

or was attached to somebody else. So just discovering like, what is it that I enjoy doing? Or I have all of this free time. Like what is some hobbies that I want to pick up or what is it that I actually want in a relationship instead of really rushing into things? Yeah. Viv sends me memes about relationships and stuff. And like I reached a point a couple of weeks ago how I was like, my gosh, is this bad that I can't even relate?

to shitty dating memes anymore because I just have not dated in that long that I'm like, that's not even relatable to me. So are you in a relationship or are you just single and not wanting anything? Yeah, just been there, done that. Yep. I feel you. Oh my god. Life's easier on my own. Yeah. Yeah. This is I see a red flag in everything. So the chances of me being single for the rest of my life.

Jo (05:14.125)

Pretty high. Honestly, I'm looking at that as well thinking, you know what, maybe I do just want to be alone forever because people like the idea of somebody that does OnlyFans because of, you know, like it's attractive and then they kind of, once they become attached to you or get to know like me as a person, like, I'm actually, there are parts of me that are very different to how I portray myself online. And I think then sometimes, I don't know, maybe it's

triggers like an insecurity within somebody or something or maybe I am just fucking nuts so it could be all me anyway. But yeah it's hard, it's so hard. And so what have been your current methods of dating so far? Are you on the apps, are you approaching people in person, are people coming through your OnlyFans, DMing you, what's your strategy? I managed to weed out all of the mobsters that were sending me voice messages on Instagram so.

We're back to like a neutral ground there. I haven't done Tinder or like, is it like Hinge? Like I haven't been on any of the dating apps. like that's how I met my... the prisoners recognise you on socials? All the time. It's the officers that will subscribe to my OnlyFans and then message and be like, Hey, do you remember me? We worked together in J Block and I'm like, Oh, you have a wife.

Don't make it known that you know me, it's weird. No way. So you've just been meeting people in person? Yeah, like a couple of people, I'll only respond to a DM. If somebody slides in my DM and there's like mutual connections there, then I'll potentially respond. But yeah, just kind of like friends of friends. I would never meet somebody that messaged off of OnlyFans because I try and keep that and like TikTok, like those kinds of platforms.

where I'm just an online illusion. But yeah, mainly just through like friends or DMs. Yeah, I think we learnt the hard way. Well, not really the hard way, but we did learn back a year or so ago that any guys sliding into the work DMs, often that's a red flag. that's a red, you know, like it's a red flag itself. It's like, yeah, I went on a date with one of them.

Jo (07:40.053)

And that's how we found out that, you know, what happened. But well, this, like, we just kind of, I don't know. I don't know, you know, needed some drinks in Auckland kind of thing. And what's everyone up to for the night? So this guy responded seemed like a good guy. Anyway, the next day was it or the next like a couple of days later, we were doing a podcast and I was giving everyone an update on this date. And Courtney walks in.

Courtney was our marketing girl at the time she walks in and she's like, and orders just come in under the same guy's name. Like, and it was the same guy from Auckland ordering for his girlfriend with a note that went along with it. This guy that we're just discussing that I'd been on this date with. Was it for his girlfriend? Yeah. Yeah. I know. Oh my god. See this is how

stupid men can be sometimes I'm like, use a different name or like, what are you thinking doing shit like that? my goodness. Yeah. Yeah. So, and then we're like, you know what, it should have been a red flag anyway that he has communicated with the page before because I feel like, yeah, you know. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's just a bit of an AK. Yeah. And I think also like you guys will know you post online, like only certain elements of your

your personality or whatever's like on theme for the brand and then people I think sometimes associate with that being your entire personality so almost have this like false illusion of who you are and how you are in person and then they actually meet you and it's hard sometimes for the conversations not to be all centered around sex or work or like being horny you know it's like I can talk about other things.

It's like you're one of us. I know. You get it. Yeah, so single by choice at the moment. Nice. I love it. And so give us the goss. Start us off with one of your stories. So I hear there's something to do with someone from Instagram, speaking of. Yes. Okay. So, cause I was thinking on my way up here, I was like, what's something cool or like, you know, that would make people go, my God.

Jo (09:57.524)

And I was like, my gosh, okay, so last year you guys know his name's Bradley Thor, the TikTok Axeman. he went viral. Is he the one that Morgan shares all the time? yeah. Okay, well I know him from Morgan's stories. Just like, mwah, chef's kiss. I never in a million years thought that he would see any of my TikToks. So late last year around Halloween, there was a video of him axing a pumpkin and like splitting the pumpkin in half.

And I stitched it on my TikTok and he was cutting it, making the noises and it cut to me and I was drooling out of my mouth and I was like, how do I get a piece of that pumpkin? Just like first trappings for days. And somebody sent it to him because it started gaining traction. And so not only did he follow me back on TikTok, he followed me on Instagram.

sent me a message saying that he thought that what I was doing was hilarious. Like he got the gist of it and it wasn't in like a sexual way, but I fangirled the fuck. I was like, my God, like he's on my close friends on Instagram now. I'm like, this is just brilliant. Like he's the nicest person and was like, you know what? I support what you're trying to do. I find this stuff so funny. Like I'm the dude that cuts wood on TikTok. Like I appreciate the humor and

It was such a nice conversation to have that he didn't think I was weird. And yeah, now we just like chat occasionally. I can't believe that Bradley Thorne is in your close Instagram friends. That's amazing. I know and some of the shit I put on my close friends, I forget that people like that are on there sometimes. And then I'm like, oh my God, especially after a night out, I'll check my story. was to say.

It's the last place I'd be adding someone like that to my close friends. I know, but you know, in my mind I was like, cool, we're mates now, like you can see my behind the scenes. There are all sorts of like petty gals on my close friends, I don't fucking know why.

Jo (12:02.371)

That's so good. What a list. What a close friends list. How long is, how many close friends have you got? I've got like, I think there's like 375 last time I checked, which is, I don't have that many close friends. They're just like, I don't know why I put people on there. The VIPs. The VIPs. Yeah. Cause my close friends is maybe a little bit different where I delay posts. So because I don't want people like there are some weird people that follow me on Instagram where

If I'm at a place, I'll put that on my close friends like if I'm actually there and then like once I've left the location, then I'll post where I'm at. That was the idea of the close friends and then spending the last five months up in Auckland every week, every single weekend, I check my stories the next day and it's me like, so I'm like, oh my God, all these people are seeing this shit. How embarrassing. And Bradley Thor hasn't responded to my stories in a while, so he's probably been very put off.

Oh, I'm so here for that. It's amazing. It's like the list of people you want to know where you are. yeah, it's like, yeah. Yeah. Anybody coming to save me? TikTok, actually. But yeah, he has a wife. Oh, shit. Yeah. He's in like the woods somewhere, wooden in California. He's in the woods. He's traveling.

Yeah, because you know on every every TikTok woman just spurs over this guy so every TikTok that he does you can see the search and it's like Thor and Bradley wife so he's like happily married and like you know never has never said anything malicious or bad I've just fangirling because I'm like you've got seven million followers and you sent me a message to say that you find my content funny like excuse me I'm gonna go use this for a little

Jo (13:58.764)

Oh, that's so good. I love it. I love it. Yeah. Yup. So that's my one claim to fame. That's like the most famous person that I've had a conversation with. Oh my gosh, Morgan will be jealous. Yeah, Morgan will be so jealous. it's the most beautiful way. Oh great. Oh, he's such a man of the people. I love it. Oh, we love him. Love him. All right. And so talk us through your next yarn. What else have you got for us? Yeah. Yup.

So there was this, I don't know if I should say the name of the radio station, but there was this. was like. of scandal. Good start, yeah, good start. Honestly, I can tell you this was the most chaotic trip I've ever been on. This radio station like, oh, seven years ago did this, it was called like a couple of quiets in Thailand and they chartered a plane full of people that bought tickets.

for five days in Thailand and everybody that bought tickets was all on the same plane. So it wasn't like, you couldn't go on the plane if you didn't have tickets. So you kind of knew what you were getting yourself into. And it was like this narrows down the radio station a bit. Yeah, you probably know. I'm like, will know. Nothing bad on the radio people's part. It was just, it was the best trip, but they, we got into the sky.

And it was me and my two gay friends and they were in the seats behind, sorry, in front and I was sitting behind and I was with next to this guy that I didn't know and he was wasted and just like trying to chat, slurring his words like messy. And I was like, I'm not doing this for 13 hours. Like absolutely not. So I was getting drunk too and just kind of like- on, can I just pause here? Yeah.

A, like what is the demographic? What kind of people are on this plane? And B, how is he wasted before he's on the plane? people brought their duty free onto the plane before the plane even took off. Everything was open. it was, yeah, people were fucking in the back of the plane. It was next level. Yeah. Yeah. But it gets better. They announced they were like, OK, so we're going to have a competition.

Jo (16:20.017)

we're going to find the most enthusiastic passenger on the plane and you have to walk up and down the aisle and do something. And if you're chosen as the most enthusiastic passenger, you get return flights to Australia and you also get to sit in first class for the rest of the trip. And I was like, that's it, get me away from this guy. So everybody was like doing this, their little struts, cause it was costume thing too. So everybody was dressed up and it was,

like the age range probably like 20 to 35 everybody was in that bracket and I was one of the last ones to go and I was like you know what I'm gonna win this I took my entire top half off I pissed out and ran up and down the plane and this was on video people were taking photos I was like fuck it I need to get away from this guy I don't know what I was thinking I was 20

20 years old and doing like a nudie run up and down the plane in a hula skirt and I won so I got the first one for the rest of the trip. But people had that image on their foot like I don't know who has that image and who has that footage and the poor radio staff were just like Jesus Christ like we're one hour into the flight everybody's wasted. What a time. Wow that is so good. Yeah and then the guy

We landed in Thailand, like I didn't see this guy for a couple days because there was quite a lot of people. We were all at the same hotel, but then he approached me again when we were like wasted in the pool. And I just, I tried to tell him in the nicest way, you're really, really annoying, but I'm such a people pleaser. I'm just, you know, like I kind of tippy toe around that kind of stuff. So I like, look, like you're you're just a nice, you're a nice guy, but just like, just not for me. And then you had to like let them down gently, which when somebody's drunk, they.

Don't take that as well as they would when they're sober. my goodness. How was the rest of the trip? What did you do on the trip? It was chaotic. Like we landed and it was like just a five day party because they had DJs that came over too and they were doing like live, the afternoon show was like live broadcasting from there and everybody was just drunk the entire time. And that was the last trip that they did because it got canned after that.

Jo (18:44.682)

They were like, we're not doing this anymore. You took it too far. Took it too far. I think they had done like two to Vegas a couple years before and then the Thailand one was the last one because yeah, people were, you know, like you pee a lot when you're drunk and everybody was so wasted that the last three hours of the flight, they went on the intercom, they were like, nobody can use the toilets because like we're at capacity. Like it started getting messy.

No! Yeah! People were pissing in their duty free Holy shit! Yeah! No. On the way home. No, on the way there. On the way there. Like everyone was just drinking that much. Shit. It was chaos. It was one of the funnest trips I've ever been on. Like I'd never done anything like that before and I had recently just broke, like I got dumped like two weeks before that by a long-term ex. So like, you know what? You fucking mate.

Get me on the plane. Get me on that plane. Wow. Yeah. One time. Yeah. You girls get off should hire a charter plane and do a trip like that and just give everybody six toys for 13 hours.

Jo (20:05.961)

The world's biggest OG. Oh my God, no one would be able to use the toilet. They'd be occupied the whole time. Oh my goodness. love it. Incredible. Okay. And then third and final story. Take it away. Third and final story. Oh yeah. So when I, gosh, this is going back like when I was first dating straight out of high school and I had just moved into like a flat in Wellington.

So I was going out like every Friday, Saturday night and Tinder had just launched. So matched with this guy on Tinder. We went out for a couple, well, what I thought was a couple drinks, hit it off. He was like a really, really lovely guy. And I don't know what happened because I remember everything. Like I did not get that wasted and we had the same amount of drinks and went to town, danced, came back to the place that I was staying.

And I was like, yeah, you can stay like, didn't have sex or anything, cause he was quite wasted. So we just went to bed and then like 15 minutes passed and I couldn't sleep. And then I just heard, bleh, bleh. Yeah. All through my sheets, my duvet. Yeah. Down the hallway. Cause I was like trying to direct him to the bathroom and he was incoherent. Yeah. Yeah. Everywhere. Like trying to get that out of a feather down duvet.

And it was like red cruisers, red cruiser spew. No. Yeah. I've thrown up strawberry cruisers before, so I can speak from experience and say it is not good. It is not a good time. Like the smell of spew is bad enough when it's yourself, but from somebody else and from somebody that like, I didn't even know that well, was like, why And then what happened? What happened? Did he clean it up? No, he was that drunk that he went back to bed and I was like, I was scrubbing the duvet.

trying to get this off. He was like, comb it out. He woke up in the morning, didn't remember what had happened. So I told him and he was like, I'm just going to leave now. I was like, yeah, I think that's a good idea. He just left. Yeah. Like embarrassed. Panicked. Embarrassed. Yeah. Yeah. But even if you're embarrassed, I might send the other person away while I cleaned it up. Just give them all to me. I'll burn them and get you new ones. Right. Like something.

Jo (22:31.229)

But I didn't want to go back to bed after that had happened. And I was a poor student. So I had like one pair of sheets and one duvet. was like, this is my only sheets and duvet and you've screwed me over. So I I need to get this off. Like trying to wash it with like cloth, not trying to wake my flatmates. And then yeah, he woke up the next morning, no sheets were on the bed. he was like, he threw up everywhere. That is so grim. That is so grim. I you've got to.

like good stories to balance those couple of duds out. You're a red flag magnet. I honestly I am. I've just like I attract a shit show. Wow. I like some, I've got good stories too. Like I had a guy that I had known for a while. He flew me to Thailand just to like go out for dinner with me, which I think comes from like

Oh, I yeah, yeah. Like sugar daddy vibes. You know what? I've had enough of people spewing in my bed. I'm going to get flown to Thailand by a man. Balance. Balance. Yeah. Yeah. That's a pretty good date. Did you stay for the week or just a night? I stayed for, I was there for 10 days and I only caught up for dinner with him once and he was like paid for the accommodation was like, do whatever you want. I was like, okay. Like if you insist.

If you insist and it was business class too. So I was like, even better. Yeah, how did you meet that guy? I still have his number. I knew him from high school and he got he invested in Bitcoin and like 2010 and it just obviously did it saying yeah, yeah. then

I had recently, this was not long after I had broken up with my ex and he reached out was like, you probably just deserved to like, good. Like come and I'm here, come, we'll go out for dinner and then you can just do whatever you want, go get massages and stuff for the next nine days. I was like, absolutely, same here. Sign me up. Sign me up. So yeah, there's good, there's outweigh the bad. Yeah, that was a great life choice. Yeah, I know right.

Jo (24:57.222)

Why didn't you see him again though? Did you not actually like him? Yeah, I think maybe I just like the red flags a little bit more.

I don't think he saw me in that way either. Like obviously lovely person, but personality is not really matching. And maybe I'm just like a little bit too out the gate for somebody who's very conservative. And I don't know, like this guy, I knew him well, but sometimes I'm like, why are you flying me all the way to a different location? Like, do you have skeletons in the closet? You you always, your mind starts going like what?

What's going on there? I'm looking for the red flag. See, I can't just take like a normal gesture and be like, that's Wow. We had had a Ferguson on the podcast and a guy she was dating like brought what did he- Did genuinely nice things for her. And I'm like, I couldn't- they were all red flags. I couldn't stand it. I'm like, if he's putting in that much effort, like, absolute red flag.

I'm not going down this path again. No, I take it back. I take it back now with this particular one. He's actually genuinely looks nice and I'm so happy for them. Take that back. But in general, that for me, I'm like, red flag like this. Like same thing. I went on dates when I was younger and

straight after the date, like the Monday, he found out, well, I think I said where I worked, but he found out the address and then sent flowers and then in the afternoon sent chocolates and everyone in the office was like, this is so sweet. And I was like, this is so clingy, like, And then I messaged him and I was like, I can't see you again. Like, how stink is that? No, I'd be the exact same. Somebody sent me like, okay, fair call. I haven't dated for a couple of years probably. But last time to go.

Jo (26:55.067)

would send like good morning messages and I'm like fuck off like honestly I you know like yeah who needs to why why do I have to be like good morning hey just checking in how'd you sleep yeah fuck off my vote wouldn't be an issue if you actually really liked them I hope that the other guests that you have like sharing these stories I'm like my god and the

scale of how outrageous this shit is, I'm like, I hope it's sitting in an appropriate place and you don't get off the call and you're like, what the fuck? No way. Yeah, I a couple of the ones that are coming up and they're going to be amazing. Oh, okay, brilliant. Are you doing like a compilation of everybody's like horrific dating stories and stuff for a podcast? Yeah, I think we're going more for like funny, more than horrific. just entertaining, you know?

That's the word I was looking for. Entertaining. Yeah, entertaining. Because like you've just got to, it's a numbers game at the end of the day and you've just got to be, you just got to laugh sometimes. So I feel like it's, yeah, it's, and it's good goss for people wanting to share. You know, like I have these stories, I had to think, you know, go back like a couple of years to remember some of these, because obviously there was seven years where I was not doing much, but yeah, everybody has some kind of

outrageous story about something that's happened like some kind of dating experience where they've just left being like what on earth just happened? And normally these stories don't leave your close circle of friends, you know, you have the most hilarious debrief in the group chat and then that's it, you know, they don't see the light of day. So I feel like they deserve to see to be shared. Yeah. Or if you're like me, you just put it on your close friends and the Axeman and Patrick Gallican.

Happy days. Oh my god. It's been amazing. Thank you so much for coming on to share with us today. And if you don't mind just giving everyone a rundown of where they can find you on Instagram, TikTok, OnlyFans, et cetera. Yes, absolutely. First of all, thank you so much for having me. I love sharing these stories and you guys are just like the best. I love everything that Girls Get Off does. You can find me on Instagram. My name is Mona Lisa with an X on the end or all other platforms, OnlyFans, TikTok. I'm the Slim Sick Mick.

Jo (29:20.304)

which is essentially a slim thick puffy. Coswa, happy days. Thank you guys so much. Thanks girl, talk soon. See ya. Thanks for listening to another episode of the Girls Get Off podcast. If you want to hear more from us, you can check us out on Instagram at Girls Get Off, our Facebook group, Girls Get Off Uncensored, or for any of our products, girlsgetoff.com.

and our personal Instagrams are linked in the show notes.