Let’s be honest.

Most of us received a sex education that spent a lot of time explaining how not to get pregnant and very little time explaining how to actually enjoy ourselves.

Somewhere between awkward classroom diagrams, whispered conversations with friends, and wildly unrealistic movie scenes, female pleasure got left behind. As a result, many women grow up feeling embarrassed to ask questions, unsure of what they like, or wondering if everyone else somehow got handed a secret instruction manual.

Spoiler alert: they didn’t.

The truth is that pleasure is a normal part of being human, and understanding your body shouldn’t feel awkward, shameful, or off-limits. Whether you’re completely new to self-pleasure or simply curious to learn more about yourself, consider this your no-judgement guide to understanding what makes your Queen V happy.

What Actually Creates Pleasure?

Contrary to what some questionable movies would have you believe, penetration isn’t the star of the show for most women.

That title belongs to the clitoris.

The clitoris exists purely for pleasure and contains more than 8,000 sensory nerve endings, making it one of the most sensitive parts of the human body (O’Connell et al., 2005). Pretty iconic if you ask us.

What many people don’t realise is that the clitoris is also much bigger than the small external part that you can see. Internally, it extends beneath the surface and surrounds parts of the vaginal canal, which helps explain why different types of stimulation can create very different sensations.

Pleasure can come from many areas of the body, including:

• The clitoris

• The vulva

• The entrance of the vagina

• The G-spot area

• Nipples

• Inner thighs

• Neck and ears

The important thing to remember is that every body responds differently. What feels incredible for one person might do absolutely nothing for another, and that’s completely normal.

What Is The Pleasure Gap?

Here’s a fact that might surprise you.

Research has consistently found that women orgasm less frequently during partnered sex than men. One large study found that heterosexual men reported orgasm rates of around 95%, while heterosexual women reported rates closer to 65% (Frederick et al., 2018).

This difference has become known as the “pleasure gap”.

The reason isn’t that women’s bodies are harder to understand. In fact, many researchers point out that most women require some form of clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, yet traditional ideas about sex often focus heavily on penetration alone.

The good news?

The more women understand their own bodies and communicate what they enjoy, the more likely they are to have satisfying sexual experiences. In other words, there is nothing wrong with your body. Sometimes it’s simply a matter of discovering what works for you.

Is It Normal If I’ve Never Had An Orgasm?

Short answer?

Yes.

Long answer?

Also yes.

Many women don’t experience orgasms straight away. Some discover what works for them in their twenties, thirties, forties, or beyond.

Social media and pop culture can sometimes make it seem like everyone else is effortlessly having mind-blowing experiences every second day, but reality is usually far less dramatic.

Pleasure isn’t a race.

It’s not a test.

It’s not something you’re failing at.

One of the biggest obstacles to pleasure can actually be pressure. The moment we start thinking, “I need to orgasm,” our brain starts treating pleasure like another task on the to-do list.

Nobody wants that.

Instead, try approaching pleasure with curiosity rather than expectation. Focus on discovering what feels good rather than chasing a specific outcome. You might be surprised by what happens when you take the pressure off.

Your Brain Is Your Biggest Sex Organ

Most people assume pleasure starts somewhere below the waist.

While that’s certainly part of the story, your brain is doing a huge amount of the work.

Stress, anxiety, mental exhaustion, and distraction can all affect your ability to feel aroused and present. Ever noticed how difficult it is to go from answering emails, worrying about tomorrow’s plans, and suddenly feeling sexy? That’s because your brain needs time to switch gears.

Creating a comfortable environment can make a huge difference. That might mean locking the bedroom door, putting your phone on silent, taking a warm shower, or simply giving yourself permission to have twenty minutes where nobody needs anything from you.

Think of pleasure less like flipping a light switch and more like slowly settling into your favourite cosy Sunday morning.

Why Does Everyone Like Different Things?

Imagine if someone told you there was only one food everyone in the world enjoyed.

Ridiculous, right?

Pleasure works exactly the same way.

Some people love gentle stimulation. Others enjoy stronger sensations. Some prefer internal stimulation, while others discover that external stimulation is their happy place. Many enjoy a combination of both.

Your preferences can also change depending on your hormones, stress levels, energy, mood, and even what stage of life you’re in.

That’s why comparing yourself to other people is rarely helpful.

Your best friend’s favourite toy might leave you wondering what all the fuss is about.

And your favourite might completely change her life.

The goal isn’t to copy somebody else’s experience. The goal is to understand your own.

What If You Don’t Know What You Like Yet?

First of all, welcome to the club.

Nobody starts out knowing exactly what works for them.

Discovering what you enjoy is a bit like finding your favourite coffee order. You try different things, learn what you like, and eventually discover your go-to favourite.

If you’re just beginning your pleasure journey, keep things simple:

• Take your time

• Explore without pressure

• Stay curious

• Pay attention to what your body enjoys

• Remember there is no right or wrong way to explore pleasure

Most importantly, be kind to yourself while you’re learning.

Can Toys Help?

Absolutely.

Think of toys as tools, not replacements.

They’re simply another way to explore sensation and learn more about what your body enjoys. For many women, toys provide consistency, variety, and the opportunity to experiment without pressure.

If you’re new to toys, many people start with smaller options designed for external stimulation because they feel approachable and easy to use. Others enjoy exploring dual stimulation toys that combine internal and external sensations, while some discover they love deeper internal stimulation and G-spot exploration.

There isn’t one perfect toy for everybody.

There’s only the perfect toy for you.

For many women, exploring pleasure becomes easier when they have access to female vibrators designed for different sensations, allowing them to discover what works best for their unique body.

Can Pleasure Actually Improve Your Life?

Pleasure isn’t just about orgasms.

It’s also about feeling connected to your body, understanding your preferences, building confidence, and learning how to communicate what feels good.

The more familiar you become with your own pleasure, the easier it becomes to advocate for yourself in relationships and intimate situations.

And honestly?

That confidence tends to spill over into other areas of life too.

There is something incredibly powerful about understanding yourself, trusting your body, and feeling comfortable asking for what you need.

The Biggest Myth About Female Pleasure

The biggest myth is that everyone else has it figured out.

They don’t.

Most women are learning, exploring, adapting, and discovering new things about themselves throughout their lives.

Pleasure isn’t a destination where one day you magically know everything. It’s an ongoing conversation with your body.

Some days you’ll discover something new.

Some days you’ll learn what doesn’t work.

Both are equally valuable.

The goal isn’t perfection.

The goal is curiosity.

So whether you’re completely new to self-pleasure, returning to it after a break, or simply looking to understand yourself a little better, remember this:

There is nothing weird, embarrassing, or shameful about wanting to feel good.

Your pleasure matters.

Your curiosity matters.

And most importantly, you deserve to explore both without guilt, pressure, or apology.

Now go forth, queen.

For research purposes, obviously.