I’m back on the market after a failed situationship, and all I can say - other than what a relief - is that while the world is constantly changing, it’s nice to know the f*ckboys aren't.
Over the last few weeks I've embraced my recently single situation by flirting up a storm with every Miles Teller look-alike I can find and exchanging some thirsty, questionable messages with the f*ckboys of society, and honestly, it feels like coming home.
Sure, they may break our hearts and not know how to use correct grammar, but something I had forgotten about the f*ckboy collective is how comforting they are.
For example, how come their dry chat and cliche lines are making me smile?
So as a celebration of my Samantha Jones era being back on track, here are some thoughts I have about the 'heard way too many times before' fuckboy lines:
Me: “I’m having a shower”
Them: “Can I join?”
- No you can’t shower time is my deep thought time
- But on second thoughts maybe you can
- I like the confidence
- And now it’s in my head so okay fine you’re invited
- On the list of things I am going to do, that is sitting at least 100 places down the list
- How would I even do that? Where are my good angles
- Do I go full frontal in the mirror? A sly booty pic? SOMEONE GIVE ME ANSWERS
- It’s sitting further down the list now
- Shit, did my bestie see that?
- I mean I was having my main character moment in the club eye f*cking every hot guy in sight
- But now..
- I really shouldn’t, he’s literally a walking red flag
- And he hasn’t messaged me in 3 weeks I can’t run to him now
- But also he’s got that BDE
- Okay, I’ll ignore him for 20 minutes and see how I feel after another tequila shot
“What’s your snap?”
- Oh god, he’s a snapchat fuckboy
- Am I sure I want to get into this?
- I bet he just sends pics, like no words, just pics
- Am I ready for that? I was really looking forward to actual sexting
- Nah I’m unmatching
“Hey I hope you’re doing well”
- Well, well, well, look what the thirst trap bought in
- They always come back
- So predictable. I literally had this on my 2022 bingo card
- Let me send this to the group chat and tell them I absolutely am not replying to it even though I’ve already thought up a witty reply and will absolutely send it in T-minus 10… 9…. 8
“What would you do if I was there?”
- Probably start a fight with you because this Netflix show is not providing the spice I was promised
- If I message and ask ‘what are we?’ Will that make him leave me alone?
- Or would he want me more?
- It really is a double edged sword
- Should I try it?
- What have I got to lose? I only 50% like him anyway
“I’m so hard right now”
- It’s literally the middle of the day
- Aren’t you at work?
- Is it bad I’m a little bit turned on thinking about that
- The feminist in me hates this but the Samantha Jones in me wants to sext back
“If you come over I’ll make it worth it”
- Nothing you promise will make me get up and have *the* shower right now
- Plus my bed is so comfortable, I just changed the sheets
- And you literally have one pillow and no top sheet
- NO. TOP. SHEET
- Not even the BDE is worth it
“Sorry, I thought I replied”
- First of all, I have used that line enough to know you def did not
- Second, what were you actually doing
- Or should I say, who?
- I bet it was that girl you were talking to at the bar on the weekend
- Omg why am I so rattled about this?
- I have to block him now, that’s it, that’s the only option
- By Lillie Rohan.