Few things in life provide complete and utter happiness while simultaneously providing complete and utter misery. One is a huge night out followed by a devastating hangover and three bags of Maccy D's.
Another is the chase.
You know the cheeky little thing that happens when you like someone, and you're pretty sure they like you back, but you naturally engage in an elegant tango of flirting, cold shoulders and secret yearning for another encounter just so you can actually have another encounter?
Yeah, that's what we are talking about today.
So buckle in, my masturnation queens, because if you are about to engage in the chase with a potential boo thang or are in the thick of it, there are a few things you need to know.
- Go into it thinking you're the ultimate catch.
When you engage in the chase, you have to believe that you are a top-tier chick with your entire hot girl soul, or it won't work. You have to hold yourself to a high standard so they will as well because no one is chasing after the chick who thinks they are worthless, but everyone is chasing after Megan Fox.
Channel the energy you have when you're walking down the street with your headphones in your ears blasting Dua Lipa's 'Blow Your Mind' while doing your best runway strut. I promise you will be more sought after than a Kylie Jenner lip kit in 2015.
- Adapt the "so be it" thought process
The chase can be BRUTAL. It's not Fergalicious and often results in sad girl behaviour like crying into a glass of pinot noir while blasting Taylor Swift's All Too Well. Luckily there is a secret to avoiding this outcome.
I present to you the "so be it" mindset. Until I went through a breakup where blocking and unblocking my ex on Instagram failed to get us back together, I didn't understand the mindset, but once I said "so be it" and accepted the breakup was entirely out of my control, I found it a lot easier to develop a rebound crush on the hot bartender at the local pub.
- Play hard to get
Paris Hilton once said, "He'll want you much more if he can't have you, " which is the same energy we are looking for in the chase.
The secret to keeping someone interested - particularly a man- is acting like you aren't interested. It sounds as psychotic as taking candy from a baby, but men are programmed to hunt. So no matter how many of your male friends complain because "women don't make the first move", please ignore them. Every guy I've chased has disposed of me like I was last week's leftover butter chicken.
I like to play hard to get by saying no to at least two date offers before saying yes, never messaging first and taking my time to reply to messages. Keep the aura of unavailability so you can keep them available.
- Read between the lines
Your number one tool in the chase is reading between the lines - it's less risky than reading their group chat while they are in the bathroom but just as telling. When you are smack bam in the knobstacle course, it's tough to clearly see what the heck is going on, but it's a fantastic time to practice being brutally honest with yourself.
For example, it's a green flag when you have denied two of their date offers, and they are still trying to secure a restaurant date. It's a red flag if they suddenly give up on the date idea and invite you round for Netflix and chill on a Saturday night after 10pm.
Whether the chase is your vibe or not, stay safe out there, queens and don't let anyone walk all over you because you are the Megan Fox of the dating world. Capishe?
Happy vibes always,