It's a two for one deal this week, GGO Queens, and it comes in the form of the seven-week scratch.
Not to be confused with the seven-year itch. That's for people who have long-term relationships, and I'm too busy crushing on a new lad every week to fall into that category.
Moving on to the scratchy fresh hell that induces many nuclear emotions. The first thing you need to know is that it has two editions, relationship and single gal. Both are as scratchy as each other, but for entirely different reasons. One is because you're getting regular sex, and the other is because you're getting nil, nada, zilch sexy time.
It's either a feast or a famine, and honestly, both kind of suck in their own way and here's why.
Seven-week scratch relationship edition:
Winter is upon us, and that can only mean one thing, it's cuffing season, baby, and you know who's looking delicious? No, not Channing Tatum but your sneaky link.
If you've been low key seeing each other for the past sevenish weeks and you're 99 per cent sure they're not seeing anyone else, welcome to the fresh hell of the RDC (relationship defining chat).
The RDC moment happens at different times for everyone, but after seven weeks of bumpy cuddles and cheeky date nights, it feels like a sure sign things are not only getting hot and heavy, but they're getting serious, and it's in no way your fault if you've had to stop yourself from screaming "WHAT ARE WE!" A few times.
Once you've identified this scratchy mood, things get worse before they get better - unless you're a fantastic communicator, in which case, how does it feel to be God's favourite? But mostly, it's scratchy and involves venting sessions to your mates, aggressively side-eyeing loved up couples and being a sooky baby when your boo thang fails to notice you're still casually dating.
Just ask me to be your girlfriend already, bro. I shaved for you.
The good news is that after seven weeks, it's a great time to instigate the RDC, so put on your big girl pants, remind yourself that if it works out , great; if not, it's for the plot and go talk about feelings with your person.
Seven-week scratch single gal edition:
This scratch comes on suddenly and all at once. You're a single gal doing single gal things like face masks, hot girl pilates, drinking iced coffee, just generally slaying, then mid workday, it hits you.
You haven't had sex for seven weeks.
Cue the menty b.
Before you freak out, don't worry, babe. First, your lady cave is still functional, promise. Second, hookup sex can be super averagino, and it's completely understandable why you'd want to curve it.
The world of dating is a lot. A LOT. You have to meet someone, then engage in small talk - if someone asks me one more time what I do for work and asks if I'll write a column about them, I'll start throwing hands. Also, you have to dress up for the date, and if it's an absolute flop, you might feel like you just wasted a couple of hours on someone when you could have been watching Grey's Anatomy.
But I digress. The seven-week scratch single girl edition is a real thing, and even though we have the lord and saviour that is Missy Mini, sometimes a gal just wants to engage in some smoochy r-rated activities.
Thankfully, you don't need a three-step guide on how to resolve this kind of scratch; it's pretty obvious. Go get laid or don't and simply revel in your sexy singleness - I like to call this "zen acceptance". It's not really acceptance, you're just not mad about it anymore.
— By Lillie Rohan.