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5 Stages Before A Hookup

5 Stages Before A Hookup

The anticipation of a hookup is like nothing you'll ever experience - actually, that's a lie. It kinda has the same vibe as the feeling before a job interview.

I wish we had time to get into that parallel.

Pre-hookup is a wild experience; that's the only way to describe it.

There are nervous butterflies, horny butterflies, doubtful butterflies, you name it; they're fluttering all through your body.

But before you get to the actual hookup, there are 5 stages you go through.

Sexting/flirty texts

Before any sexy time takes place, there is always the build-up. Enter the NSFW texts and sexy Snapchats.

There is nothing quite like the horny, flirty chats to really get the hookup started.

Not to mention they're great for finding out what you both enjoy sexually in a way that doesn't include awkward fumbling.

Just don't look over the texts the next day because you may die from post-horny embarrassment.

Live, laugh, cringe.

Setting a date

Smutty texting has an expiry date, so there is only so long before one of you decides it's time to turn those dirty thoughts into a reality.

Someone suggests a date - probably (no)Netflix and chill and not a proper date because they aren't relationship material - you both agree, and it's all on.

That is unless you've been on the toxic side of TikTok and are convinced you have to cancel 3 times before sneaky linking just to prove you "don't care".

Yeah, I see you.

Telling the gals

Now this chat? Oh, this is the one that matters. Forget the importance of sexting banter because this will make or break the hookup.

Don't believe me?

Remember when you told your bestie about Brad, and she made a face and then you had the hottest hookup of your life because you knew you weren't meant to be hooking up with him?

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

This chat is also the moment when you do the bouncy bounce aka expressing your nerves, like," omg, I haven't had sex for 3 months! What if I've forgotten how to do it?"

Followed by the "yeah, we made plans to meet for a drink, but I'm probably not going to go."

Followed by the "he's so fucking hot, I can't wait to climb him like a tree."

It truly is a journey.

  • The shower*

The date has been set, at least one of your gal pals has found a red flag in him, and you've been researching sex positions on Cosmopolitan.

Now it's time for the shower. Set aside at least an hour, doll, because shit is getting real.

I'm talking:

  • shaving everything - or not shaving at all if that's your preference; no judgement here
  • lathering yourself in sweet-smelling potions - I see you Body Shop Pink Grapefruit shower gel
  • Hair wash - okay, two hair washes just to be sure it smells extra good
  • Exfoliating - thou shall not have a five-day-old Sahara desert tan

And once you get out of the 30-minute long shower, it's time for moisturiser, yummy smelling hair cream, dewy make-up, no make-up look and some sexy lingerie.

Goddess behaviour.

Pre hookup butterflies

Nothing says, "I'm about to hook up with someone", quite like the nervous/excited pee.

You're convinced you need to pee; your whole body is telling you it's time to go potty, but when you do, nothing comes out.

It was just pre-hookup butterflies.

The while waiting for your hookup to arrive - or when you're on the way to your hookup, you feel all the feelings.

You consider tapping out with some lame excuse at least 5 times and send your bestie a million texts.

Then when you're finally in bed right before the hookup starts, you giggle your way through meaningless banter, try and squeeze the anticipation butterflies out of your body by rubbing your legs together.

But then their hand touches your leg, you lock eyes, and suddenly you turn into a dishevelled sex demon.

The rest is in your group chat history.

Happy vibes always,

- By Lillie Rohan.