Getting Out of Your Own Head For a Better O With Isiah McKimmie

You're listening to the Girls Get Off podcast, an R18 podcast on all things female pleasure. Think girl talk, but real girl talk, where we chat all things masty, self loving, sex, orgasms and more. Nothing is off limits, which means you get all the secrets, even our guests BFFs don't know. We're on a mission to make talking about getting off as fun as actually doing it. Ready to join the Mastination? Let's get into it. 

Welcome to another episode of the Girls Get Off podcast. Today we've got a very exciting guest, but before we bring them online, we're gonna give a little recap about how that conversation just went, which in my opinion was amazing, especially if you're in a relationship, but also helpful if you aren't. Yeah, I always find these, like, because we know Viv and I are both single, but I always find these conversations so interesting, because you can like either, refer back to how it's related to past relationships or like I love knowing that going into my next relationship like I've got these tools right that are so beneficial. Oh and I think tools is the best way to describe them because they are just like a little black book of all these things that you have on hand when especially when you're not. in the relationship yet and so you can kind of see it from like an outside perspective but for those that are in relationships like wow, Asaya's had like 15 years of experience working with people so she talks us through some of the big say mistakes that she sees people making or perhaps that's not the right term but just areas where they can improve and I think for us in a relationship or not like it was so relatable and we were both sitting there going like oh yeah totally get it. Yeah, great questions by you too Viv. It was like really on, you know, what is the most common things. So I think it will relate to a lot of people. It's yeah. And we even touch on, you know, just talking a little bit around that like erotica and porn and how can that be like, is it good? Is it bad? How can it be used in like a positive way? Which is something that we haven't really touched on with many guests before. So I thought that was some cool insights. Yeah, incredible. All right, I will read a bit of a bio for Isaiah and then we will get into it. Isaiah is one of the most qualified and sought after relationship and intimacy experts in Australia. She is a couples therapist, psychotherapist, sexologist, and sex therapist who has been helping women and couples discover intimacy and connection for over 15 years. her compassionate understanding and this really shone through as well when we were talking to her compassionate understanding and non-judgmental she's built her reputation on giving balanced professional guidance and getting results for her clients. Welcome to the podcast, Isaiah. It's so nice to have you joining us. Like a ray of sunshine for our day. It's amazing. Thank you guys for having me. I'm looking forward to diving in and having some interesting conversation with you. And some people might know you from your column, but you also do a lot of other work, particularly with couples. Can you tell us a little bit about that? Yeah, so I'm a couples therapist, sexologist and sex therapist. So I work with both individuals and couples. around helping them have more harmonious relationships and more loving sex or to find the relationship that they're really looking for. I share on my Instagram page, I write a regular column for news.com.au and I also lecture other studying counselors at the moment, helping them learn to be better therapists as well. Amazing. I think one of our favourite episodes, well for me anyway, just speaking for Liv, was one that we had around intimacy and everything and I see that's a huge part of yours and just, you know, you just think like imagine... the relationships in the world if everybody just had that education around intimacy and everything. Yeah, it can cause so much tension, but also it can bring so much joy and so much connection. Yeah. Is that one thing that you see missing with a lot of your clients? I end up seeing a lot of couples who are struggling to have both the kind of emotional and sexual intimacy that they really want. A lot of it comes back to not having time. together, not having the skills around communicating and those tools to really communicate with each other well, and also not having the sex education that really helps us enjoy sex more. And so where do you start with these people? What's the first step if you wanna get better at either of those things? Yeah, so we always, when I'm working with couples, we always look at connection and then communication first. Because without that as a foundation, it's really hard to have meaningful conversations about sex and to feel safe, to really explore intimacy in new and different ways, or especially in a way that's sustainable. So where I start is helping couples build that connection, helping them communicate more openly, more harmoniously, more effectively. And then we start looking at sexual beliefs, sexual education, sexual skills. That's when we get to the really fun stuff. Nice. Do you find that it's ever a case of like too far gone, like couples that have left it way too long type of thing, or can you mostly always, you know, once that communication starts, that becomes like, yeah. Yeah, really good question. I think a lot of people before they reach out, might worry that it has gone too far or what happens if we try to fix this and it doesn't work. It takes most couples about seven years from when they first start experiencing challenges to reach out to someone for support. There are couples who find that too much has happened between them, there's too much hurt or there's too much distance to be able to reconcile and That being said, I've also worked with couples who had decided to separate before they saw me and wanted support doing that, actually decided to get back together and work on their relationship. Yeah, once we'd started building the skills for communication. So I really think anything is possible for relationships and it's never my role to decide but really to support a couple. to have that conversation together, but with more tools and more education to do that. Amazing. And so how does that then lead to, I wanna get into the nitty gritty of, you know, better orgasms, and there was a keyword that I think I saw on your website, and it talked about helping people get out of their own heads in order to have orgasms full stop or just have better ones. And I think, again, you know, Jo and I, get feedback all the time from our audience and we know, particularly in our Facebook group, girls get off uncensored that this is something people struggle with and that wording around getting out of your own head, I think we can all relate to thinking about other stuff, having things on, what have we got tomorrow, oh I've gotta be done in half an hour, you know? There's all these things that are happening. Absolutely, so particularly for women, but this can also happen for men as well, or people really of any gender. When we're in a state of stress and anxiety, and that is because of what we've got going on in our lives, sometimes because of relationship tension, sometimes because of our beliefs around sex, we get caught in our heads. And then it's really hard to relax and enjoy ourselves. And when we're in a stress state, and that's really what overthinking is. Overthinking is our body trying to cope with. and process stress to different degrees of anxiety. So what that tells us is that our body is in a stress state and when our body is in a stress state, it's not in a rest and digest state, it's not in a state where it's meant to be getting turned on. That's kind of counter to nature, right? When times are tough or when we need to be running away from a saber tooth tiger. That is not the time when we should be really having these mind blowing orgasms. So our body says, okay, stress that does not equal, I should be really, really getting it on right now. So we really have to look at that anxiety state and look at how we switch ourselves out of that, of that place of stress so that we can enjoy ourselves more so that we can create the safety and the space to have really incredible. mind-blowing orgasms but also really loving and connected sex because if we're in a state of stress, we're also not really being present with someone that we're with and so our partner is missing out on that connection as well and I will often hear partners say I can tell They're not really into it, you know And I don't want to have sex with someone who's not really there or they're just going through the motions like that That doesn't feel good for me either so In terms of what people can do, I love this question. I want to talk through some steps around this. I can't wait. So firstly, sometimes there really is creating a switch in your life. So not expecting ourselves to go from go, being in mom mode for some people, being in doing mode, and then all of a sudden. two minutes later they're in bed and now they're meant to be like this gorgeous, sexy bedroom goddess who's, you know, who's suddenly got all this time and space. So looking at what you can do to start to create a sexy mindset earlier in the day, but also to set aside any other stress that you've got going on in your life. So that might be wearing some lingerie, taking some time out for you during the day, connecting in. with your partner earlier so that you're not just like co-parents or co-managers of a household, you're also lovers as you go into the bedroom as well. And sometimes it's, okay, I'm going to go and have a shower or a bath or I'm going to put on something that helps me feel really sexy. I'm going to leave my partner to finish washing up and I'm going to go and start to really get myself in the mood for what I'm doing. So creating that switch and that space is something really important that we can do. Also then in the moment, taking our time. So it takes women's bodies about 20 minutes to fully prepare for penetration intercourse. And most couples that I know at least are not having that 20 minutes of foreplay. So what that means is we're not giving our body time to fully become aroused. We're not doing what we need to, to make sure that we're really lubricating, that our erectile tissues are becoming fully engorged with blood and that we're feeling more pleasure. So we're less likely to experience orgasm and pleasure and we're more likely to experience pain if we're not having 20 minutes of foreplay. So making sure we're taking our time. We're allowing that arousal to build slowly. We're allowing our body to start to switch into that pleasure and arousal state also really important. And we can support ourselves by giving our attention to our body and our breath and not just our thoughts. So the thoughts will keep running and we could... be in an argument with our thoughts of like, okay, stop thinking. I'm saying, okay, I'm gonna try to meditate, mind go silent, but that actually doesn't work. What we can do instead though, is just switch where we're giving our focus to. So instead of arguing with our thoughts or trying to stop them, we can just bring our awareness to the body and bring our awareness to the breath. And if we start to take fuller, deeper breaths, breathing all the way into the belly and using our diaphragm to do that, we're actually going to have a calming effect on our nervous system, which helps us step out of that stress and anxiety state into more of a calm place. So then we can start to experience more pressure. Yeah, I love it. I want to take you back to that second question or the second point around the 20 minutes like, so foreplay, so non-penetrative foreplay. Can you give us some like examples of what this might look like across, you know, different couples or things you could try, things that people might like to take away? Oh, that's such a great question because, and I remember what I love about that is that it can be really confusing and I get that question a lot. Like I feel like right from sixth education back in, you know, back in high school. we hear about foreplay, but no one actually ever says what that actually is. It's just this really vague foreplay. What does that even mean? And normally it doesn't last very long. It doesn't last for 20 minutes for most of the time, especially if you're having casual sex or if you're in the routine of something and you just kind of get into the flow. Yeah, or you're. you're tired and you think, oh, we should just do it. So let's just get to the main, let's just get to the main event. Yeah. Yeah, really great question. So foreplay can involve so many things. And I really love the concept that foreplay essentially starts at breakfast or foreplay starts at the end of the last sexual encounter. So again, we can be doing things to kind of build, build that anticipation and excitement throughout the day. once we start getting into the bedroom, there's a whole lot that we can do for that 20 minutes of foreplay. So having a shower together can be a really great way of doing that. Lots of touch. So touch helps the body release oxytocin, which helps us feel really bonded and loving and connected. It's also really important for women's arousal. So touch in terms of stroking each other, hugging. getting a massage as long as it's not the kind of massage that's A, like a sports massage or B, like putting someone to sleep. Get that like right, like the Ferragun out. Yeah, like think like sensual, like oil loving touch. There's also three things that we know from research. We call it the golden trio. The golden trio of moves that helps. increase a woman's chance of reaching orgasm and that's deep kissing. And so that's something, you know, when you think about when we're first having first having sex, usually there's a lot of kissing. It's, you know, like lots of kind of passion and then something leads elsewhere and we kind of often lose that as our sex life progresses. So deep kissing, also using hands to touch And oral sex is also part of that golden trio of moves. So when you kind of think about, okay, we've got touch, we've got kissing, we've got using our hands on each other, we've got oral sex, five minutes of those each, and you have your 20 minutes. So, you know, foreplay can go a lot longer than that as well. And really often, the longer that you spend in foreplay, the more it enhances enjoyment for both partners. Some people, I think this is actually a stupid question. Um, some people get more oxytocin than others, I'm guessing. I just thought of that last time I went on a date on Stories and I have one patch and I'm like ready to go. It's like this poor guy had to like unlatch me. I feel like my oxytocin levels like with touch just like fly through the roof in like about 30 seconds flat. Yeah, we all have, so we all have different needs around what works for us and what turns us on and we all have kind of different relationship patterns around that as well. One, one way we can kind of look at sexual desire and arousal is to think of it as, as like a car with brakes and accelerators. Some people have more sensitive breaks, like it kind of takes less for them to be like, no, it's not happening tonight, I'm not in the mood, breaks are on. Some people have more sensitive accelerators and they're like, okay, all right, you've touched me, it's on, oh, that look, it's on. So we can be different in those ways as well. And that's all okay, I think it's really important to just know what works for us, but then if we're... what works for the partner that we're with as well and how do we meet each other's needs? Yeah, cool. Nice. One thing that you said earlier that stood out to me was, you know, like... get your partner onto the dishes or something, will you take some me time beforehand? I can guarantee there is not one partner out there that is going to argue against that. You know what I mean? It's like the best way for them to get the dishes done will you take time for themselves? I think definitely I can see that happening in households. That's for sure. What are some of the biggest mistakes that you see your, you know, some of the biggest mistakes that you see people making in the bedroom? Really good question. Let me think about that for a minute. In the bedroom or like leading up to? Yeah, I don't know. There must be some trends that pop up through your work. Look, I think, so something that I, so there's, I mean, there's a few. So something that I see is, one is expecting, that arousal to just happen and, oh, I should just be in the mood now that we're in bed. And I think that kind of misunderstanding about how we work, particularly for a lot of women, but also again, for the people of any gender, that sometimes we take longer to warm up and just because our partner's ready to go doesn't mean that we should be ready to go. So I think that kind of pressure and misunderstanding. ends up really detracting from our pleasure. Or we think that I'm doing something wrong or my partner's doing something wrong because we're not in the same state of arousal. So I think that is a really big one. I will also say that I think sometimes, I think for example, date nights are really great to go on. But we can end up putting a lot of pressure on date nights. And I think just having date night alone doesn't necessarily solve some of the challenges in a relationship. And date night doesn't necessarily automatically put people in the mood for sex. So one of the things that I suggest, particularly to long term couples, is that they have romance dates and they have bedroom dates. in their relationships so that you don't come back from dinner where you've eaten a lot and had a lot of wine at like 11 o'clock at night when I don't know at least I would normally be asleep by that time and then expect to have like this mind-blowing amazing sex but that you can recognize that they can happen at different times. You can go out and have an amazing dinner date and have a whole lot of fun together and not have the pressure for having sex and also that you can set aside time. in your schedule an evening night where you go to bed earlier, a weekend morning where you stay in later or where you just go back to bed for the afternoon where you really let yourself have time around sexual intimacy and kind of allow that to happen. That's so relatable. That is so relatable. Yeah, yeah, I can. I can definitely see in my past relationships as well that date night you think is going to solve that problem of having time for sex, right? And you just overeat because good food and yeah. Right, right. Yeah, not ideal. If I can add one more of the kind of mistakes if you like or one of the places that I see people struggle is expecting for your partner to just know what you want during sex or expecting that you don't have to talk about it. So common. I think this probably pops up one time or another or in some way or another. And what's the advice that you give to your clients? And what's the advice? We cannot be mind readers. No matter how long you've known someone, we're not mind readers outside the bedroom or inside the bedroom as well. And one of the most important things that couples can do to improve their sex life is learn to talk about sex really openly and honestly. So that's having conversations sometimes outside of sex about how they're feeling about it, what they might like to try, what their different needs are around it. But being able to give really clear feedback inside the bedroom and during sex as well. You know what, that's really working for me. Keep doing that. Here's what I would really love right now. Or that feels really great and I think it would feel better if it was just a little bit softer and slower right now. Can you do that instead? And do you have, do you ever find this actually, that sex toys is an issue? Like, or I think especially men are the ones in general, right, to kind of feel a bit intimidated with a girl that may just be what we're surrounded by, but that's kind of, yeah. I think, mm. Look, I really love sex toys and I think they can be really helpful for helping us explore sexuality and really adding excitement and playfulness into a couple's dynamic as well. I think where I see couples kind of struggle with sex toys is, one, feeling like, oh, it's something just to use on your own and that it can't, you know, oh, we shouldn't need it. during partner sex. And I think both people can end up feeling that way of like, oh no, my partner should be pleasing me or I should be enough just on my own, rather than seeing it as something we can add in to add excitement and pleasure. And I think the other way that I see couples struggle with sex toys is kind of the opposite to that where, okay, if we buy a sex toy, that's gonna be enough. to revitalize our entire sex life that has been struggling for the last few years and where we can't talk about what we want anyway. So that's where I see people will buy sex toys or they'll buy lingerie and then they might use it once but it will end up being in the back of the drawer because they're still not sure how to communicate about what feels good for both of them or they're not doing. that kind of work in the lead up to sex that has them both be really excited about it and turned on and feeling really safe to try new and different things together. So I think sex toys can be really, really fantastic and we have to be mindful of them and have conversations about it, what it means to each other, how you'd like to use it, why someone wants to use it. the times when they don't want to use it and what that's about. To that point, how would you bring that up in conversation if it was either say a sex toy or some lingerie that you wanted to try on with your partner? I mean the way I would bring it up is probably a little bit more blunt than how I actually suggest other people do. I do remember a partner saying to me once, like, I have never spoken about sex so much in a relationship. Because I'm all about, let's talk about it. Let's, I want to know everything about it. And I also understand that for a lot of us, this is a really awkward and uncomfortable topic because most of us did not hear sex spoken about in our households. We didn't learn how to talk about, we didn't hear it spoken about. We can have sex, but it feels even harder to talk about so much of the time. So when it comes to... introducing anything new or kind of giving feedback, it can feel really awkward and we can worry about how our partner is going to receive something. So I really suggest kind of three steps around this. Firstly is starting with like positivity and appreciation. I really love our sex life. I really love when we get to make love together. I have so much fun in the bedroom. with you. I really love it when we connect sexually. So starting with appreciation and then making a request. And I think what could make this even better would be to try a sex toy. And I was thinking that it might add some more fun and excitement for us if we were to try something new. So I was listening to a podcast the other day and heard a discussion. about sex toys, I thought that might be something really fun for us to try. And then thirdly, asking your partner, the other person, how they feel about it as well. So you're not just saying it and then kind of leaving it there for them to decipher or agree with or not agree with, but you're actually asking, how would you feel about that? So you get to hear their perspective on it as well. And then you can come to a really clear pass forward on it rather than it just being kind of something that's left, left hanging there. Yeah, great advice. Yes. I think that the way of approaching it and, you know, blaming it on, well, not blaming, but you know, we always tell our audience like, say you saw our stories and that's what brought it up. You know, it's such an easy icebreaker, isn't it? You know, you may have been thinking about this for years, but just be like, oh, I saw this thing today. Makes it so much more casual. Exactly, exactly. And what are some of the big changes that you're seeing in the, say, relationship space? Are we seeing any, are we moving into a better space for sexuality, like are there exciting things happening, or are there things like in society or whatever that we need to be mindful of at the moment? I've been doing this work for the last 15 years and I have seen so much change in that time, especially for women and especially in sexuality and a sexual narrative that actually caters for women and that's really exciting for me. There's still so much judgment, I think, out there, particularly for women around sex, some of those really, really deep. cultural beliefs and judgments about, you know, good girls don't do that or, you know, women who like or have sex too much. They still exist out there, but there is so much that has happened in us breaking that down. There are now sex toys really specifically designed for women that are not just giant hot pink phallic objects that are just meant to like be amazing for us. There's so much more education from women's perspectives out there about, here's what women like and enjoy. There are apps that focus on sexy stories, which we know tend to resonate more with women than just the visual three minute, let's go hard at it kind of porn clips that are out there. So there is so much more for women to really kind of step into a place of empowered, exciting, satisfying sex now. And I really, really love seeing that. And I'm seeing more women of really a whole range of ages showing up and saying, you know what, this is a part of my life that I haven't given attention to and I want to. So whether it's earlier on in their lives or in the middle of a relationship or when they've come out of a long-term relationship and they're like, actually, you know what? I kind of let this kind of sit on the back burner for a little while. Now I really want to give it attention. For me, that's really exciting to see. And you mentioned the sexy stories or a little bit of porn. What's your take on those, on that material? I think, I mean, the line between medicine and poison is never entirely clear, right? It depends on how it's used and when it's used and why it's used. There is a lot of female focused and female produced pornography that is coming out now. I think, you know, pornography in and of itself is not a bad thing and I think it can be something again that enhances a relationship that can sometimes help give us ideas about, I didn't even know that was possible. It can help us with our desire. And by the same token, it's problematic when it's our only source of sex education or it's a replacement for genuine intimacy with other human beings. Sexy stories, again, I also think they can play a really, really amazing role. And I know a lot of my clients who use them to start to connect and to start work out, okay, what do I like? What? what is the sexual narrative or story that gets me excited here and okay, how can I use this to help me become more turned on? And it's also not a replacement for doing the work with a partner to say, all right, here's what I like. This is how I want you to touch me. This is what I want to explore in our relationship together. Love it. And how do you see some couples use that positively? really when it's used as an enhancement and it's something that they're doing together and having conversations about together. So when there's a real kind of openness around allowing new things into the relationship, having that conversation around it. So, you know, as an example, you know, I was talking about that transition space before. So for one, for... for one of my clients, she'll listen to a sexy story throughout the day or listen to it in the bath while she's kind of, you know, getting ready to go to bed with her partner. And that's something that he loves knowing that she's doing that. And for her, that's something that then helps her make that transition as well. That's a great idea. Love it. So, yeah, so healthy too. Yeah, love that. Any more questions, Viv? No, that's all from me. I think that's amazing. Thank you so much. So insightful. Some great advice for our listeners out there. So awesome. Thank you so much for having me. I love, I always love that people are holding the space for conversations like this, because I think it's something we don't get to talk about enough. And it's really important that we start having these conversations openly in the world. Yeah, definitely. It's so great seeing it. Like you've said, you've been in it for 15 years, we've only been in it for about two. Even from what we're seeing, it's so positive the changes going on. So it's really cool. Yay. Thank you so much for your time. It's been a pleasure and I hope you enjoy the rest of your day. Thanks so much. Thanks for having me. Thanks so much for listening to another episode of the Girls Get Off podcast. You can find us on Instagram at girlsgetoff. You can join our Facebook group, Girls Get Off Uncensored. I think we've got more than 20,000 members in there at the moment. And if you'd like to leave us a rating or a review, that always helps us get higher in the charts and every week we'll pick the most creative review to win a Missy Mini. Thanks for listening.