2022 Dating Tips with Lillie Rohan of The Dating Diaries

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Welcome to the Girls Get Off podcast. Today on the podcast we're chatting with Lily Rohan. She's the New Zealand Herald's Dating and Lifestyle columnist. It's no secret dating in 2022 is unknown territory that makes you ask, what fresh hell is this more times than you can count. But she likes to look at it as time for you to have the best bumpy cuddles of your life free from any outdated rules. So whether you're falling into a fuckboys dick sans, suffering through a pandemic date, or scouting a friend's wedding for the nearest single hottie, she's got some saucy tips to get you through and maybe even help you find your boo thang. So welcome to the podcast. Thanks so much for coming today, Lily. Thank you so much for having me. And so tell us, how did you become the dating columnist for the New Zealand Herald? Oh, I kind of fell in it, to be honest. I've always wanted to be a dating columnist. I've got a million books about it. I've read a million articles about it. And I just, I moved to Auckland to be a dating columnist. like live that Carrie Bradshaw lifestyle. And then I had been working. Dream big. Yeah, dream big. I'm like got the little apartment, I'm just waiting for Mr. Big. So I started at The Herald in January and by November I was like, okay, so I'm gonna start writing a dating column. And they- You told them. Yeah, I was like, we're at the pub one night with all the chief reporters and I said to them, I wrote this column, I don't know if it's any good, but can you please publish it because I really, really want to be a dating columnist. And they read it on Monday and the chief reporter, who he never praises anybody, and so he reads it and he goes, this is good. And immediately I was like, woo, I have got a huge future ahead of me. Wait, so when, in like year what, so 2022, February now? So this is 2020. Oh wow, cool. Yeah, so I've been writing it for just over a year now. And it's just getting bigger and bigger. Because I think the reason that I found the column was because you had interviewed Ben from NZ Lockdown Memes. What was that about? Was that Red Flags or something? That was Red Flags, yeah. So he did quite a few memes at some point about Red Flags in girls and boys. And there was a classic holding up the fish one. And... My editor, he put one out about the shaved head or something like it was a particular haircut and he goes, if he's got this haircut he's a red flag. And my editor sent it to me and she goes, this is a column. And it just all came to fruition within like two days and we were doing a column together. We're on Zoom. I was like, give me all your red flags. And he's like, but you're interviewing me. So like, you have to give me the red flag. Okay, let's just go off the memes on the page. Let's just scroll through and find them. Like, it'll be fine. And yeah, and then you saw the article and messaged me and here we are. I love it. Oh, love it. And what about your dating life? Are you dating lots? How does this work? Does it mean you have to go on lots of Tinder dates? Me personally, I'm not an online dating girl. I actually wrote an article earlier this year about how I don't online date. And there was a lot of questions about it because obviously I'm a dating columnist, so. You go, how, people are asking, how do you even go on dates if you're not online dating? And I think we've all forgotten that you can actually meet people in the real world. It's not just all virtual. So yeah, I do date. Probably not that well. I sort of meet a boy, have like a couple of weeks with them and then I go, oh no, oh the ex come, I'm really sorry. And then just ghost them, that's it. See you later. Poor, poor guys. Oh my God. Or you do the recycle dating. You break up with someone and you feel in a bit low and then you find a next boyfriend on your phone and see that he's recently single and he's followed you on Instagram. So you're like, hey, what are you doing? What you doing later? We call up. And we wanted to talk to you today about dating tips or dating in 2022 and what we can expect, what maybe things to look out for. Maybe you can give us some advice, even if you haven't been dating yourself. Tell us where you got all your- Yeah, any tips, what's changed? Yeah, all the tips. Tell us where you got your info from. We wanna hear it all. I'm so prepared for this. The first tip that I would give everybody is read Woman Don't Owe You Pretty by Florence Given. I don't know if you've read that, but she- I bought it for a friend's daughter, actually, on her 18th. It was like, great life. Yeah, 100%. If I could buy every single one of those books in the world and give it to every single young woman I would. Like they need it. You need it to go into the dating world because it just The book makes you feel like you don't need to, well it's called Women Don't Know You're Pretty. So you go into it and you're not gonna go dating because you want validation from men You're gonna go because you want to date men and you want to feel that connection with people You're not gonna go, oh I need to feel pretty so I'm just gonna go see this guy and he'll give me validation for five minutes and then I'll go home and feel like crap. And I think it kind of teaches you what you like, make you feel confident in what you deserve or something. Hey, because I think that's been my biggest fails is like, I once I've been in there, like, I'm too scared to be like, oh no, this isn't what I want. You know, like, if you have that confidence of knowing what you want and stuff before you go into it. saves a lot of years of hassle. Oh, 100%. Save yourself some admin. Yeah. Just block and delete them, honey. Oh my god. So is that your biggest learning from the book? Yeah, well I only read it last year. Oh wow. And I read the whole thing in a day. And then I sent it down to my friends in Christchurch who was single at the time, and I said to her, I was like, you need to read this immediately. She devoured it in a day. And now every time we catch up, we just throw each other quotes on the book. And now she's got a podcast as well, so we just listen to the podcast. And I think she's created a very safe space for women to not be apologetic. Is this the author of the book? What was her name again, sorry? Florence Given. Florence Given, okay, cool. Do you not follow her on social media? No, well now though, I will not forget that. I'll follow her right now. Yeah, so that's the first one. The second one actually came from a friend of mine and she calls it the camping ground rule. And... Yeah. Give us a bit of background on your friend, perhaps, what was the camping ground rule? She is lovely. She's now in a committed relationship. She met him in the first lockdown in 2020, but she, before that, she was a serial Tinder data. Every time you spoke to her, she'd be going on another date. And you kind of... I kind of thrived for it, I was loving it. Every day you'd have like an, well not every day, that's complete over exaggeration, like I'm sorry. But she, you'd get an update every week or so and she'd be like, just went on this date with this guy and like I got the, in the first five minutes so I got my mum to call me and I had to jump out of there, I just, absolutely not. She couldn't find anyone other than her mum to call. Yeah. I feel like there's something you would do as well, Jo. I get an emergency message. Hell yeah. I get an emergency message. Pick me up, pick me up. Say you've broken your arm. Come and get me. Oh my God. My whole thing, it would be over something like he ordered the wrong food or something. Oh my God. I would be like, he ordered that? Vivian? Didn't you do that on Bumble once? She was like, no, swipe. the wrong way because he liked Yorkshire puddings. She was like, absolutely not. Red flag. I'm like, I don't know if maybe you're trying to find a red flag. It's funny. If Yorkshire puddings are that wow that they land in your bio for bumble. Oh no. You know that's a red flag, sorry. They are plain and boring. And you can do better than a Yorkshire pudding on your profile. Oh wow, the worst. Oh my God. Oh my god, sorry side-track, tell us about the camping rule. Alright, so the camping rule is, you know when you go to a camping ground, personally I've never been to one, I'm not a camping girl, I'm a city girl. But you go. You've never been to a camping ground? No, not even like a real low-level top 10 holiday park camping ground. Oh my gosh, that's hilarious. And my mum owns a caravan. Have you been to R&V? No, I haven't been to R&V. I did go to R&A the year just been. Got a media pass. Oh great! No camping for you with a media pass. No camping for me. Yeah, certainly not. I actually got it last minute on New Year's Eve. So it was like 1pm and I was calling up my friend George who was a photographer. And I was like, please George. I really need to do something tonight, can you please get me a pass? And he's like, yeah babe, no worries. Oh stop it, that's so funny. Don't call me babe, I might date you next. I love it. So yeah, okay, so the camping rule. You go to a camping ground and you leave it as you found it. Yeah, you don't create even more of a mess or you don't leave it better than what it was. So this is the camping rule. When you date somebody, you wanna leave them. as you found them. You don't wanna give them PTSD or you don't wanna make them feel worse on what they've found. Because you know sometimes you're like, I mean I know for sure my first boyfriend, every time I date a guy that's kind of like a mama, oh, reflect, Jesus Christ. So you gave him PTSD or he gave you PTSD? Oh, I think it might have been a bit of both to be honest. To be fair, we were 18. Yeah. It's completely understandable. Good learnings. No one's fault. So you just... So you want to leave them as you found them? Yeah, you want to leave them as you found them. Or I think she did say you can leave them better if you want, if you feel like it. You're a nice guy. You don't want to get in there and damage them though. No, you don't want to damage them. You don't want to make them worse. And when you found them, yeah, you just want to leave them as you found them. Don't ruin them. Don't make them feel bad about themselves or, like, you know, when you have friends and they come out of a relationship and they just are not the person that went into it. And you spend, as a friend, you spend like months just helping them get back that confidence or the self-esteem and you just help them like find themselves again, their bubbly personality, their fun side. I love that. Yeah. Good, I don't think people often think about that side of it. So when you're going into date someone, how can you be sure that you're leaving them as you found them or better than you found them? Don't be an asshole. I think if you're finding the red flags immediately, like the Yorkshire pudding, get out of there. Gotcha. Get out of there. Right, and mate, all right, so as soon as it's starting to be something what you would want to change or, Yeah, or if you feel like, the same negatives or something and it's not gelling. If somebody still writes Facebook statuses in 2022. That's a red flag Vivian. Like we update. Just at home watching the rugby. It's a red flag right? Yeah it's a red flag. Thank you. I'm like oh no. If you want to know what your red flag is, Jo's offering free audits of your social media. So you get three spots left. That could be a new business idea. Red flags for Jo. Yeah no you're right, that one wasn't quite a lot. Next podcast, next podcast. Yeah, I think if you meet somebody and you feel like you're changing or you're trying to, I mean sometimes I meet guys and they're not, they play games with you, they're very hot and cold and you feel like you're changing to suit them so there was like one guy that I was sort of dating and he had a very different political view to me but because I desperately wanted his attention because he was so hot and cold. I would start conversations about his political views and be like, yeah, I totally believe that as well. So if you're doing that, then yeah, you should leave. Yeah, totally. If you keep your ground, it's getting real fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harder. Yeah, for sure. Quick question. Is this like, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days? Do you actually go on dates just when you're short of content for this column? No, no, it just kind of happens. Oh. Nice work, nice work. You're doing better than us. I think between us. God. It's really tough out there. We're selling vibrators, Joe. It's not our, you know, it's not our main focus. It's not your niche. Yeah, we've got another category. It's all about self-love. Yeah. No, I think TV glamorises dating. You know, you've got like Emily, I just started watching Emily in Paris. Have you guys seen it? I had the worst expectations for it. And I think because it had the lowest expectations, I kind of love it. But she's hooking up with guys live right in centre. And I thought, I've been in Auckland a year and I don't think I've hooked up with anybody. They're all like, boys from my hometown. Oh, that's so funny. Oh my gosh, that is so great. So I think TV makes it seem a bit unrealistic. So if you're not hooking up with lots of people, don't worry about it. It'll happen. Funny. Okay, what's next? This probably leads on quite well. Don't feel like you have to hook up or have sex with someone. Which I think is a very good one for young women. Yeah, that's good. And old. Not that you're old. Thank you, thank you. But I think it's quite a good one. I've heard, I mean myself, I've been in situations where you go home with a guy. or you go see them and you feel like, okay, I owe them something now, like I have to have sex with them because that's what they're expecting. Don't ever feel like that. If you just wanna like kiss and cuddle, just kiss and cuddle. Who cares if they've got blue balls? But if you do wanna have sex, then have sex. Or if you wanna cut it off early, cut it off early. Don't feel like you owe them something or have to do something. Just do what feels right for you. I wholeheartedly agree with you on that one, Lily. Yeah, that's great advice. And it is that, it can be that black and white as well in terms of like, if you don't want to, then you don't have to. Exactly. Yeah, do it, do it Joe and like wait till they fall asleep and then disappear. Oh my God, I do that all the time. And then when you stay over, you feel we're aware, you're like, oh God, this is too many feelings attached to this now. Wake up late and all of a sudden you're. 6am escape was turned into a 10am escape and it's very daylight. Oh, it's so awkward especially when they have to drop you home. Your flatmate's like, where have you been? How did you go? I think you know what's wrong. I love it. Yeah, that's a really good one. Yeah, it's a nice one. What else do I have for you? Tell your friends where you are. Have you got another first date? I think this is a real textbook one. But yeah, I nearly even sent you guys a screenshot at work yesterday, what? Yesterday, last week when I went to pick up a new plant and anytime I go to a random place, I'm like, someone needs to know I'm here. Screenshot the location. You can share your location on Facebook. You can share your location for an hour on the center. Super safe, because I always freak out, like even when I'm daylight buying a plant. Like if no one knows I'm going to some place. Yeah, you wanna know. Yeah. That you're gonna be safe. You get kidnapped. I was so scared of that when we came up to Auckland that time, hey, like, cause I would just have a bit too much to drink and then. Yeah, not nowhere. And you can do the, there's the app on your phone, the Find My Friends. Yeah, you can get people on Find My Friends as well. And it's like Snapchat maps, but for your phone. And constant, like you don't even have to be on the app. Yeah. When I moved to Auckland, my parents were like, okay, you've got to put us on, find my friends, or find my iPhone, whatever it is. And I put them on, and then they'd ring me on like a Saturday night, and they'd be like, where are you? And I was like, oh no, Mum, that's not what this was for. This was for business hours only. I'm like, why are you even up? Seriously, come on, let a girl live. I think that's fun, my friends, for a reason. Yeah. Not by my offspring. And I went home one weekend and I stayed at an ex-boyfriend's house and I stayed the whole night, which is not like me at all. And then my mum goes, she texts me at 8 o'clock in the morning and she's like, Oh my god, why are you at his house? Mum, you have lost your privileges. Just like that one message, you're out. She's like... She rang me the night before as well when I was drinking with friends and she's like, don't you dare go home with him tonight, you're not allowed to. And I was like, mum, oh my god, as if. And the next morning, oh, you should have heard the phone call. I was not in the good books. That is so funny. That is hilarious. Thanks for your opinion, mum. Thank you, mum. Please don't hate me, we've all been there. I love it. So funny. The classic, if it's not a fuck you, it's a fuck no. Oh yeah, love that. Mm-hmm. Wow. Mind blowing. I think that happens for everything as well. Like if you're trying really hard to get a job and it's just not working, it's a fuck no. Yeah, yeah. If you're really pushing something and it's not working, it's a fuck no. Who talks about this a lot? Is there someone who's done like a podcast or a book on this or something? I feel like there is, eh. Yeah. I like that one. Wow. Yeah, I think that's changed my life. Yeah. There we go, ground breaking stuff. It's a big one. Awesome. Also, this year, I think everybody needs to get used to dating in person. So what I mean by that is when you're online dating, it's all good to chat to people online, but like meet them within the first week, or meet them within like three days or something. I like that, because I feel like otherwise you can just. There's so much left to assumption. Or whatever, if you're just chatting to someone. Am I chatting to someone really bad? Oh my god, same! You need something to talk about. Yeah, and I don't feel like it's a true... Like reflection of you. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. No, I don't do a lot of chatting. Like I don't chat really with my friends on. No. You know, like whole arson or something. There's a perfect reflection. You're so, are we taking a shot and I'm good to go? Yeah, you wanna see the real me? Yeah. Just wait til I'm a few drinks deep. Yeah, and I listened to this podcast and it was talking about how you can, how it doesn't have to be like a big, you know, you don't have to like build it up into this big thing, like what you're talking about in terms of meeting them quickly. you can do that and you can just have coffee with them or you can just do a quick lunch or something so it doesn't have a lot of pressure on it to be this all night thing where are you gonna like them or not or are you going for a drink or dinner? You can do something that's a lot shorter and there's less pressure on it but then at least you get to know them quicker or know if you're wasting your time or not. Yeah, I think you get a real feel for people as well. You'll know if you vibe or if you connect and you can go off that. If you meet someone and there's absolutely no chemistry, at least you know. Totally. You don't have to waste anymore time. Whereas if you're like online for a couple weeks, then you're just waiting and waiting and you're sort of wasting your time. So yeah, you should just meet people, straight up. Yeah, I like that. One of my friends has just recently got a girlfriend and he met her, I think this is the most old fashioned thing in the world and I freaking love it. He met her, she was walking to the supermarket and he crossed paths with her and he goes, and he goes, hey, sorry, you're really cute. Can I have your number? And now they're dating. Stop it! It's so cute. I thought you were gonna say it was one of his Tinder matches or something. No. Obviously zoned out for a second there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh, that's pretty cool. Oh, fashion, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, that's really cute. And then I was coming back to Auckland on a plane. And I could see, you know how sometimes when you're on a plane you can see like other people's phones in the seat in front of you and you know you're not meant to look, but you're just like, oh, what is he doing over there? And so there was this guy and he was maybe like, oh, 60s, building, like older man. He didn't really look like he looked after himself. And my flatmate and I were looking. And he's messaging this woman and he's like, hey babe, I love you so much, I can't wait to meet you. Like, you're the best person in the world, you're so gorgeous, blah, blah. And he pulls up her picture and it's clearly a bot. Like, it's clearly a Google picture. Stop it. Clearly, and I was like, oh, this poor man. He's being scammed. He's being catfished. And he's probably never gonna meet her. And he's probably sending her money. Oh no. Who knows what's gonna happen? So are they like completely different situation, but I think if you are only dating, you should just meet people straight away. But yeah, all the more reason to find out who they really are. So you're not gonna get catfished or, yeah. And I just think that if you meet them and it doesn't work, then like cool, all the more time for you to spend your energy finding someone that it does work with. Absolutely, and you hear of people as well, sometimes they meet people online, they go meet them in person, they don't vibe romantically, but they become really good friends. Yeah. I've heard of that a couple of times, that's really sweet as well. So you don't always have to go into it thinking that it's gonna be like some hot sexy fling. Could just be new friend. Look at the positives. Yeah, live life on the positive side. Exactly. Nice. Yeah. And probably the last one I've got is stop Googling your ex. Holy shit yes. So bad. I just Googled one in the weekend. Well, actually I didn't. My friend sent me a picture and she goes, oh my God, he's just had a baby. And I was like, why would you send me that? I'm gonna spiral for three days now. Stupid. That's wild. That's not what you wanna see, right? Yeah. You don't wanna see them like moving on. You're like, why? I was the best thing you ever had. We have different exes. So stop, so stop. Please get a new one. Oh my gosh. Classic case of them googling you. Yeah, and even just like googling or stalking or just trying to keep tabs on them or their new partner or whatever. It's just not even, it's not a good UC energy. I know. You're giving them a lot of energy which you could be putting something else. Exactly. Focus on the future girl. And they probably aren't doing the same. I know. Or they might be. Isn't it like such a hard thing to come to Turnsworth? What do you mean? Why aren't they still obsessed with me? Yeah, why isn't the world revolving around me? Wait until you get one that is obsessed with you. Yeah, look, that's a special case too. Yeah, no. Yeah, you will be like, please go. Replay. Everyone, everyone. Yeah. Done, done. OMG. So funny. And so what are your dating plans for the year then? You're gonna meet more people in person, you're obviously gonna follow your list of tips. Are you gonna get on the apps or are you gonna start asking people on dates in the supermarket? Oh my gosh, this is the hardest one because I was thinking of going on apps, but then I wrote an article about why I never use dating apps. So I feel like it's a bit contradicting if I just start using them now. My readers won't trust me. I don't, I'm not on any, I don't think I'd go back again. So hard, I have like every, like maybe once every two or three years I'll be like, you know what? I'm going to get on Bumble. I'm going to give it a go. And I'm like, oh that's right. I was like, oh no. That's why I didn't like it. Because I just feel like you, I just feel, well I personally feel like you just know so much, obviously you know so much more about a person when you meet them, but I think their vibe says so much more about them than perhaps what pictures do. And often I think if I like look back and go. these are the people I had the most fun with, or these are the people who I think are really attractive. If I'd have tried to explain that to someone else, you know, often you'll be like, oh no, don't look at his social media. Oh God, just wait till you meet them in person. So then I'm like, well, that makes it quite tricky for you to pick who would be quite cool on an app, right? Yeah, I think it opens up a lot of judgment as well. Yeah, I guess the thing is you have to be able to go out to not be on an app, right? I know. Yeah, or maybe you just have to be more like, more open to it and just like, swipe yes to lots of people and actually do go and meet lots of people. Go on like three Tinder dates a week. Yeah, or everyone goes to the supermarket, just start asking people out. In the banana section. Who that eats is not doing you any favors. Holding a banana. No. Can you imagine? Can you imagine the red flags I would find in someone's trolley though? Oh my God. Take that back. I'll leave you here. Too healthy, too much sugar. Where's your chocolate? Why don't you have Whittaker's in there? Oh my God. Oh well, thank you so much for coming on the podcast, Ali. And where can people find you? Where can they read your columns? How can we hear more from you moving forward? You can read my column every Friday on the NZ Herald, hopefully front and centre, so you don't have to scroll down too far. You can also catch me on Instagram, it's just Lily Rowan. Amazing, cool, thanks so much for coming on the podcast. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you so much for listening to another episode of the Girls Get Off podcast. 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