There comes a time in every woman's life when there is only one thing left to do.
Hide behind a hotel lobby curtain while you're absolutely stark naked.
I'd been sleeping with this guy - let's call him Shamrock, for a while now. He ticked most of the boxes. He was the perfect mix of clueless, unpredictable and amusing and if you know anything about f*ck buddy's you know this is the kind of lad you want.
Shamrock knew my body. And even though he was only a friend with benefits type of lover, he also knew my mind, which turned out to be a huge win when St Paddy's Day came around because he filled the gaps my friends couldn't.
And we're not just talking about the social calendar gaps.
After we laughed together and drank more than an Irishman, we decided to take our party of two somewhere a little more private.
High on life and the anticipation of what was to come, we treated ourselves to a hotel room and this, my friends, is where it all went south.
Shamrock may have dabbled in the pot of gold, but I was the one who found the end of the rainbow, and it was not as joyful as the wives' tales promised us.
After a night of drunken passion, I found myself squished between the door and the door frame… outside of the hotel room. If you're thinking, baby boo, were the bumpy cuddles that bad you tried to escape?
Instead, the bumpy cuddles were so good I couldn't face another round or would run the risk of a sore lady cave and a truly intense sex coma. Drunk and dazed, I decided to find a "comfortable" cuddling spot in-between the door and the door frame, absolutely butt naked.
I swear to god, if someone walked past, they would have seen my pot of gold and the treasure hidden inside.
Like any hotel hallway, all the doors were locked, and I conveniently forgot which room we were staying in, so it was time to put all my pride aside and do the ultimate walk of shame.
Knock after knock, no doors opened, so I ran downstairs to the hotel lobby in an attempt to find a sympathetic staff member, thinking surely I'm not the only person in the world this has happened to.
Hotels are notorious for secret shags, right?
In a miraculous twist of fate, I found myself at the hotel reception and did what any naked ninja would do. Pray no one would see me rocking round in what I was born in and run to those big f-off curtains to hide my modesty in them.
With the adrenaline now flowing through my veins faster than an F1 race car on the tracks, I spotted my knight in shining armour. A poor, innocent night porter who had no idea what he was about to witness.
"HEY!" I shouted from the curtains. "HEY!" I thought all hope had been lost as the vacuum was drowning out my cries for help, but thankfully, this sweet lad turned, saw the unexpected naked gal hiding behind the surprisingly expensive feeling curtains and with an entertained smirk on his lips, he began to walk over to me.
"Good night?" He joked.
After the awkward, hey, hello, yes I'm butt naked, no I'm not a crazy woman, yes I need a robe and directions to my room, it was safe to say the night porter's shift was one he won't forget.
I thanked him with a sheepish grin and ran to my hotel room to fill in my f*ck buddy on the night's adventures.
But when I walked into the room, he was not wondering where I was as I had expected but sound asleep.
I woke him up, told him everything, and I knew; I just knew the angry sex was about to go down when he said, "oh yeah, I saw you walk out and wondered where you were going…."
- Some details have been fictionalised for dramatic effect
- By Lillie Rohan.
Once a month, Lights Off with Lillie will release a Lights Off Confessions column where one of our very own GGO Queens gets to tell their wild, bumpy cuddles story.
Whether it was the weirdest sex of their life, the best or just downright funny, it's all for the plot, and we love it.
Send your confession to firstname.lastname@example.org or DM me on Facebook.