Podcast Transcript
You're listening to the Girls Get Off podcast, an R18 podcast in all things female pleasure. Think girl talk, but real girl talk, where we chat all things masty, self-loving, sex, orgasms, and more. Nothing is off limits, which means you get all the secrets, even our guests, TFFs, don't know. We're on a mission to make talking about getting on as fun as actually doing it. Ready to join the Mastination? Let's get into it.
Hello and welcome to another episode of the Girls Get Off podcast. Today joining us is Jamie Simpkins, who's a licensed therapist and coach specializing in relationships, dating, romance, sex and breakups. The full love life cycle. Jamie loves to help women stop wasting time and start getting the love they crave. She holds a master's degree in clinical psychology and a certification in EMDR. therapy. This was like such a beneficial episode. Yeah I feel like she spills all the tea on like hot tips of like every like she said you know the full love life cycle there's so many bits of golden here about breakups about looking for love about being in a relationship about when you should break up with people it's like everything. Yeah yeah and um Yes, again, I feel like I say this all the time, but it's so relatable. I think like, why does everything relate to me? But I think that's a good thing because it must relate to so many. I think everyone listening to this episode is taking what relates to them. Yeah, she went into, you know, like the full on ex stalker stage as well. And she did not miss a point on that. The house drive bys and everything. check out her website like honestly the homepage is so funny it's just she's nailed the copywriting she understands like the pain points of her clients so well so I think this is gonna be a very good episode for those in any stage of the love life cycle. Welcome to the podcast Jamie so nice to have you on with us. Hello thank you so much for having me. So tell us a little bit on how the relationship side and everything of therapy. Is that how you started out or has it just ended up that way? Right, well it just ended up that way. So I started off, I'm a licensed therapist here in the States. I now do coaching, I still do therapy, but I do coaching so I can help people worldwide. But I decided to focus on relationships. because that's the stuff that I really love to talk about. I love love, I'm a Taurus, I'm in a neogram too. I wear a Venus around my neck every day. I just am kind of one of those people who love and I've been through a lot of stuff with relationships, you know, myself. So I really decided to niche down in my clinical work and in my coaching work with clients and really just focus on relationships because you know how they tell you to focus, like do the thing that you could talk about all day long? And for me, that's like sex and love and relationships. So that's how I ended up talking about, you know, sounds all very positive, but you've also you also talk a lot about heartbreak in your work. Yeah, yeah, yes. So one of my main specializations is breakup recovery or heartbreak recovery. And I. I just love working in that space. I think breakups are a time of real, like they can be really magical and juicy in this time for like real transformation, even though they're really, really painful. I think it can be a real catalyst for a lot of like juicy change in someone's life. So I just, I love working in the heartbreak space, although I know it's like, you know, not fun for the person going through the heartbreak. Well, it sounds way healthier than my approach of just writing myself off. quite often. In the past, that was me in the past. Yeah. Why, you know, I think we can all relate to heartbreak being really hard. Why? Why is it so hard? I think it's hard because it's a type of, it's a form of grief, right? Like it's lost. And losing something or having something end is hard. We're not good with loss and ending. So it's painful. Yeah, yeah, that's how I remember describing a certain heartbreak. I'm like, I feel like someone's died. It was exactly. Yeah, it's wild, isn't it? Is it the same part of your brain or something or like what's going on? Yeah, exactly. It's grief. It's loss. So when we are in love with someone and in a relationship with anybody, so our family and our loved ones, our brain actually has a map. of where our loved ones are at any given time. Not like exactly, but it's kind of like, okay, like I know my mom's probably here, I know my lover's probably here. And when we lose them, whether it's through a death or a breakup, our brain sort of short-circuits and doesn't know what to do. Like it actually doesn't know what to do with loss. Even though death is a natural part of life, we're still not wired really to know how to do it naturally. And like there's a such thing. So when we go through a breakup, we're losing something, something has died and our brain is like, what the hell just happened? And it's like trying to make sense of it. Yeah. I think pain is never nice, is it? Exactly. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's painful. Yeah. All right. And talking about more positive side of love now. Yeah. Do you believe there's such thing as a soulmate? Oh wow. I believe, I don't think there's just one soulmate. I think there are many soulmates. Yeah. And I don't think they're all necessarily romantic. I think we can have platonic soulmates. Yeah, that's so true. Oh, interesting. I like it. Yeah. I feel like I have some girlfriends that are soulmates. You know, I'm straight, but you know, I feel like one of my... I feel like my niece is my filmate. You know, so. Aww. Yeah, it comes in all different. Yeah. All different forms. And so what about, leading on from that, what about people who are looking for that? I had a funny, appropriate conversation with a friend yesterday. She said. I'm actually, at this point, I'm convinced there is no one for me. And I said, look, I'm interviewing this relationship counselor literally tomorrow, read her website, it's got the best content. She said, oh my God, I am the homepage. And I said, you know, I said, have you got any questions? And she said, what am I supposed to do if I don't like online dating anymore? And I think it's just this general attitude of like, just kind of being over it, which I know is something that you touch on online. Yep. I hear that a lot. Usually if my clients tell me that they're over it or they don't want to try online dating anymore, then it's time for a break. So I do. I actually do say, um, actually delete the apps off of your phone. Um, so you're not tempted to like pop open Bumble or whatever, you know, in a weak moment, just like truly take a break. You know, like, you need some space from it. You need to double down on your, on like other parts of your life at that point. So I believe she's over it and that's okay to be over it. It's when we judge being over it, that's the problem. You know, like, well, I'm sick of dating. I don't really wanna be doing this dating, but everyone else seems to be doing it fine. What's wrong with me that I am sick of it? Well, pardon my language, but there's a lot of shitty things that happened while we're dating. Like, of course you're gonna get over it. Like, you know, like maybe you've been ghosted like one too many times or like some guy or whatever is like married, but you know, on there and you find this out after. Like there's so many stories. I'm sure you guys know, but tell her it's okay to be over it. She's allowed to take a break. I'm writing a permission slip. I think personally as well, it was kind of like... massive thing you know for me to download a dating app and stuff like that and then that automatically puts like this expectation on that you're there to find someone and you're like having these random conversations and stuff and I think I got over it like after a month, month or so probably less to be honest and I actually just left my profile there this time this was probably back in November, maybe October or something, left my profile there. I did pay for it so people couldn't see me, unless I had swiped. And then kind of just like every now and then, I would just go on and kind of like have a swipe, but I wasn't like actively bumbling, you know? And I found that for me anyway, like a really kind of healthy not. expectation and kind of absorbing way to do it. Yeah. Exactly. Because you took the expectations out of it. Yeah, yeah. And just left it there as an option to maybe meet somebody because I'm not getting out and about much, you know. So yeah, it was good. What are your tips for meeting people? I mean, there's dating apps, but do you suggest people do things in real life like I'm trying to understand how you work with people if they're really motivated to go out and find someone. Yeah, yeah. So for sure, we meet people online, right? You have to have some sort of online presence. I do encourage online dating, but it's not the only place. You can meet people in the wild, as I like to say, but it does take some intention and putting yourself out there. And I think the best way to do that is to do it while you're already living your life, already doing the things that bring you joy and make you feel alive. So whether that's a book club or tennis lessons or I don't know, whatever you're into, like you're just living your life, doing your hobbies, the things that make you happy, volunteering, you know, your work, that I think meeting people is a byproduct of that. And I actually believe this is where I get a little woo woo. I believe you can call people in that way and kind of manifest. you know, partners or fun dates that way. So you can of course, like put yourself out there and try some speed dating and like dating, you know, events, but those are really sketchy and most of them aren't really run that well. So I would probably put those at the bottom of the list. There are some good ones, but yeah, not my favorite. Oh interesting to see that nothing changes no matter what country you're in. I think we like I went the random events here I heard of one getting cancelled recently because it was just like all women. And talk to us about the apps because I think you're right I feel like what are the stats it's like almost half of people now are going to meet on dating apps or in the future right? Like The stats are crazy. So I agree. I think it's something that you need to be open minded about. Yeah, exactly. I mean, all of my partners, past partners, I've met online, you know, most of my friends, partners and husbands and wives, they've met online. I mean, this was the last 20 years, not like the last two. You know, this is here. This is how we spend our lives. We're on our phones all day. We're on technology. It is what it is, right, wrong, good or bad. So why not use it? Yeah. Do you have any tips on how it can, how you can start a more interesting conversation on there maybe, or if there's conversations you shouldn't be having on there, or I don't know, just how do you get a good chat going? Yeah, that's a great question. I think it's always a good idea to start. Just like you would if you were meeting someone in real life, like in the wild, to be polite and not rude. I think we overthink it. I say this with a grain of salt, but I think, would we go up to someone and be like, hey, nice boobs? No. I mean, but yeah, like I used to take screenshots of like some of the. things that I would get or sometimes I encourage my clients that they're having, if they're getting like negative about dating, we make it fun. Like send me some of the funny things that guys are saying to you that are just ridiculous, um, that we just need to laugh about to bring some levity. So just be nice, be polite and pick up something about their profile. A compliment is always nice within reason. Like you, wow, your smile is amazing in that picture with you, uh, at the concert, uh, in your profile or I really loved what you had to say about, I don't know, whatever in your profile, you know, like show that you read their profile and that you're interested and engaged. Really simple as that. Yeah, yeah. That is an obvious but very hot tip, I feel. Yeah, actually. I'm a high. It's way better. I love it. Yeah, I love that it kind of personalizes it straight away. Hey kind of gets it on that deeper level rather than just how do you day being? Oh, I hate that. No This is we're terrible at this Gosh, no, we have honesty. That's good. How's it going? How's your day been? It's just it's not much I mean, you want to think about a conversation like playing catch, right? You take the ball and you catch it, you throw it back and you want to incite some interest from the person and how your day, but like, what if they're having a bad day? You know what I mean? Like, yeah, it's just kind of like not a great question to start off with on the app. So boring. Oh, cute. All right. I have a cat joining me. And then my other piece of advice is to stay away from being negative. from negativity, I see a lot of negativity on dating profiles. And the first thing I'll do when I help my clients overhaul their profiles is to get rid of anything negative. Like where you say what you don't want. What do you think? Yeah, yeah, no, so true, so true. It's an automatic like, bye. I've seen it so many times. Yeah, it's like, your focus is like literally the opposite. Exactly. Why is it headed that way? Yeah. And the line, like there's also another line that comes up all the time that's something like, no crazies please. And I'm like, you know, like as if that or like something along the lines of if you can keep up with my lifestyle or something like that. Oh God. You know what I mean? Yeah. Get out of here. Please stop. Right. Yep. Surely those people don't get any matches. Exactly. You know what? That's a nice reframe when again, I have clients that are feeling kind of negative, I say, you know what, that is a natural weeding out process for you then. We already know. Okay, thank you. That's a no for me. Yeah, and yeah, and thank you for doing the work for me, sir. Yeah, exactly. It's better to know then right and not even waste your time. Yeah, exactly. Is it is it true that when you know, you know? if there's a spark, I guess on online dating if they are going to be the one. Oh, honey, that's a whole that's a three part episode. I think I think that depends. I think some of us some of us have nervous systems, where we have a spark with everyone, or we have many sparks and it's not something that we can trust that it's more. Yeah, but no, I've had a couple that I've got with the one and I definitely can't pick the one, so yeah. My, I would split that into two. I feel like I think of a spark at the start and then I think of not, you know, the question of if there one like later down the track. But talk to me more about that like spark at the beginning. Is it the best indicator of whether it's a good match or not? Mm-hmm. Oh, that's a good one. I'm a big fan of a slow burn. I think, right, rather than a conflagration, rather than an explosion where it's like, oh my God, this is so hot, and we're like just crazy and all over each other, and it feels like you're on drugs, and it feels like you're just like lost. that I really encourage my clients to proceed with caution. What are the dangers of it? Breathe and slow that down a little bit because more often than not, yeah, exactly. The dangers are that your nervous systems are reacting to each other. So there's something about that person that's enacting probably an unresolved trauma or childhood wound that you haven't looked at coming up against their unresolved trauma and childhood wound. And when those things come together, your subconscious kind of going, oh, they're going to be the answer to this void that I've had in my life. I needed to talk to you 20 years ago. And it will feel really fucking good. And talk to us about the slow burn then. What does that look like? I needed to talk to me 20 years ago. Yeah, yeah. So the slow burn, for sure there's chemistry, right? For sure there's a spark, there's interest. But we want there to be some slowness to it. Maybe even I tell clients, it's okay if you're a little bored even. Maybe you need to be bored if you have a pattern of a lot of like chaos and a lot of like this sort of huge chemistry at the beginning. Maybe we need to like be bored a little bit where there's an interest but it sort of unfolds and it's like he does one thing you're like, okay, I like that. That's good. All right. Let's see. what the next thing brings. Okay, this is still going. I'm more interested. He's showing more of who he is and I'm continuing to like more of what he's showing or they're showing rather than, Oh my God, everything's amazing and I'm obsessed with him and nothing is wrong. Do you feel like that also comes with age? I think it can, but I have to tell you, I work with women of all ages and I see it in women. I've worked with women in their late fifties, early sixties who still have that pattern. if they haven't done their work. Wow, I wish, yeah. Yeah. jealous of any like 18 20 year old that has that kind of self control to not just know oh my god yeah I did not have that yeah I came back the hard way now you know I want to help other people yeah it must be kind of learn the hard way type thing unless you get the help right Exactly. Yeah, exactly. And that's okay. Sometimes I used to say, I need to learn some lessons the hard way. That's the only way sometimes, right? Yeah, we tend to do it quite a lot. Yeah. Yeah, but don't make it a rule of thumb. But no, it's a good way to learn, that's for sure. And it's better you learn than not learn. So, like, you talk about... you know, say you've got a slow burn, someone's doing things there. I don't know, they surprise you, think, oh, okay, this is actually quite good, it's impressing you. What are the things, I mean, because people are different from us, and they're always gonna do things that you'll be like a little bit unsure about, or you'll go like, oh god, or maybe, whether it's a red flag or not. At what level do you call negotiable, non-negotiable? Like, talk to us about figuring out those levels for you as an individual. I will say that will depend on the individual, but what does not depend is of course any sort of abuse or, you know, abuse of tendencies, whether it be physical, emotional, or verbal. So those are non-negotiable. Any sort of like, yeah, like, you know, gaslighting behavior where you are, where you kind of are never believed or your reality is always questioned. If you have that eggshell feeling, like you're walking on eggshells or something isn't quite right. Oh, that's a good one. Dig in to that. Although I will say caveat to that, if you're a lot like me and a lot like my clients who have what's called anxious attachments, so you have a lot of anxiety when it comes to relationships, you will see shit that isn't there. So you can't always trust that either, which is why it's nice to work with a coach or a therapist or... even just like chat with your girlfriends about it and be honest and have a place to kind of check in and say, am I off here? What do we think about this? Yeah, and that's cool. I mean, non-negotiable again, yeah, go ahead. Does that kind of, oh, well not that, this is totally different to that I guess, but should there be like a balance in the communication rather than just like quite. one-sided like I find that a red flag as well like if you're kind of the one constantly trying to organize something and they're not really should it be it should be more balanced yeah well for sure but I think again that sounds like something that's important to you so that would be a non-negotiable yeah But you know, you could talk to another expert and she or they would have a different opinion. I also am kind of on my woo side into the sort of masculine feminine energy. And I love helping women sort of ground into their feminine, which is a receiving energy, you know, like, uh-huh. And the male, and that doesn't mean a man of mass, it could be one partner. identifies as more masculine, one identifies as more feminine. And the masculine energy is a penetrative, it's an active. And the feminine energy is a receiving, it's a creative, it's a flowy, juicy energy. But this again, is a whole other conversation. But just speaking to your like, should one person be doing all the planning and stuff? Yeah, no. But that may not be important to another person. Just depends on where they are in that. Now, let's talk about going back to your ex. Your wheels are turning. If you should stay friends with your ex, if when you break up you should just go cold turkey. What's your advice on a breakup like that? Yep. My advice is, My best advice, of course, there are exceptions to every rule and nuances to consider, especially if you have children together. You have to be in contact with that person. I advise no contact. And limited contact if you have to be in touch with them. Say you have a pet, a business, or children together. It's limited contact. So the reason I say that is because when you are in love with someone, you have hundreds of neural networks devoted to that person. When we fall in love, you start having your brain devote neural networks to that person and vice versa. When you break up, those neural networks are still there. And as long as you're in touch with them, stalking them on social media, driving by their house, keeping, holding onto their things, you know, smelling their shirts, looking at their photos, you're... still connected to them and really breakup recovery is a, it's really about it. It's a rewiring process. You're rewiring your brain. We want to develop those neural networks to new things and not your ex. I love that you've really heard every side of that full on stalker breakup. You know, you've created fake Instagrams and stuff and that's been like seeing what they're up to. Yeah. You haven't really cut them straight. That's so funny. You ticked all the boxes there. And how about before that point, when is the right, that's a rephrase there. Yeah. What are the signs of when you should call it, of when you should go, this isn't working anymore, like we need to break up. What are some things to look for? Okay. Well, that is, there's a lot of layers to that. I mean, of course, again, if there's any I have to say this, you know, this is a therapist side of me any abuse any sort of abuse is a straight now, you know, that gets yourself safe and get help. I would say there's a really great book that's called too good to leave too bad to stay that is that I point clients to a lot that talks more about this in depth. But I say if you're just not seeing if you're not getting what you need. and you've been vocal and direct about it in a kind way over time and things aren't changing and you've tried different things to change it. I feel like some people don't know what they need as well. How do you figure out what you need? Because I see, you know, I've seen examples of this recently where people were kind of together, there might be like a situation, whatever, and it's like, I don't know, maybe that's what they've decided is being there. like level that they're okay with, but is there a way you can decide even before you get into a relationship what you actually need from a person? Well I love that question. I think you bump up against a need when you are pissed off or your feelings get hurt or you're just feeling some kind of way about something and you're not sure why there's a need there. for connection, for reassurance, for dependability, consistency, affection, partnership. I don't know, you would have to do that kind of digging to see, but if you go, oh wow, I feel, I'm kind of feeling some kind of way here about what they just did, I would encourage you to look into that and ask yourself what's the need, right? Yeah. Oh, that's great. And in which case, like how healthy is couples therapy, right? Like, right when it. when they start to come up, those little inklings and really fleshing them out before it explodes. I'm so glad you said that. That's just a big soapbox of mine. I wish more people would go to couples coaching or couples therapy early on. Usually they go six years too late or six years after the problems have started. And if you can get in early, you have a better chance. I mean, there's like, there's not all these years of resentment built up, you know, you still have goodwill toward each other early on. And it's just like much healthier, more malleable time in the relationship to do a couple of therapy to learn each other. And a lot of people say, well, isn't it a sign that something's wrong if we need to go to therapy already? I think no. I think and if something's wrong, then better to find it out now and find it out with a therapist or coach. Yeah, yeah, totally. And it's six years is a long time. Right. It's definitely the ambulance at the bottom of the cliff tactic people tend to take. Hey, that's like, yeah, that's a great analogy. Yeah, yeah, it's. How nice would it be to have a healthy six years of communication and you know, just when you look at your own life, like not even just that relationship, it's like that six years of your life that could have been healthier. Yeah, I call it going to the gym for your relationship, couple therapy. Yeah. Oh my gosh. That's so good. Yeah. Love that. And even therapy, just your own one-on-one therapy or life coaching could be the gym for your mind. It's the gym for your life. Like, Right? We need personal trainers sometimes. So why not get a personal trainer for your relationship, you know, and even if there's like no big issue or big conflict, you'd be surprised the work that you can do if you just know you have a standing appointment, you know, with somebody. Yeah, it's, it's really powerful. Get better, right? Yeah. Because you've got intimacy, you've got like so many avenues that can make it stronger as well. Yeah. Wow. Amazing. I just need a relationship first and then I'll get into counseling. I got you girl. I got you girl. Oh my gosh. I have one more question and to Jo's point I've just reread your bio again. And I feel like we didn't perhaps touch on this enough, especially after my chatting about what my friend said to me last night. But you talk about... Jamie helps women to stop wasting time and start giving the love they crave. Explain that. Okay. So if you are single, I can help you get the love you crave. Or if you're in a relationship and you're just years of not getting what you want out of your relationship, I can help you with that. So if it's single, we dig into like what's not working. How are you approaching dating? What mindset shifts need, you know, adjusting as some of the things we kind of talked about earlier in things that we hear on TikTok and the internet. There's a lot of noise and bad information out there. So I really value people's time and I help them stop wasting it by just being a straight shooter. Like I kind of have been today and, you know, being pretty directive and saying, these things are proven to work. Given my experience, if you do them, I will eventually play out for you. And then the same thing for if you're in a relationship, if you and your partner are spinning your wheels and fighting, stop wasting your time doing the shit that doesn't work. Try the things that, you know, learn the skills and do the things that work and you'll see the results. Not overnight, but you will see them. What are the biggest mistakes that you see people, single people making when trying to find love? Yeah, so within dating and being single, I would say again, I loved what you said earlier about expectations. and managing your own expectations. Right? I think people go into dating so serious, and so focused and like this has to happen for me, which yeah, okay. That's why we're here. Let's do that. But let's have fun with it. Have a sense of humor. You know, and also have a life that you love. So that having a partner is the cherry on top. Create and that's really my favorite part of the work I do with people helping them. feel alive. Like, love doesn't have to be the only place that we feel alive. You know, when we're first in love and we feel so alive, I think we can access that being single too or being, you know, in a relationship for 20 years. So I think those are some common mistakes that people make. And then in relationships, I think none of us come to a relationship knowing how to communicate unless we go to a couples therapy or review the book. So I think there's some common like conflict resolution pitfalls we fall into, I think couples try to like solve problems. And 70% of things couples fight about are not solvable. They're perpetual, what are called perpetual problems that you're going to fight about forever. So it's really about how do we navigate this difference that we're always going to have between us with lots of love and humor and humor and compassion is the answer. So I help them access that. Amazing. So good. And I think so many people are going to benefit from this chat as well. It's been so relatable. Maybe that's just for me. But I got a lot out of it. Wonderful. Awesome. Amazing. And Jamie, where can people find you? You can find me at Hemi And if you're interested in coaching or counseling, you can find out everything there. And then if you want to focus on just the breakup piece, I have free resources for breakup recovery at mybr You can find me on Instagram at hemispheres underscore counseling Amazing thank you so much Jamie appreciate your time. Thank you I'm sure you'll have a few more followers after this episode. I found it very beneficial Thank you ladies so much. It's been a joy to talk to you today Thanks for listening to another episode of the Girls Get Off podcast. Make sure you leave us five stars on Spotify or a review if you're listening on Apple podcast. Just one thing to note is that we can't have any explicit words on Apple podcasts, otherwise it doesn't get shown. Make sure you keep it PG. And if you wanna find out more about Girls Get Off, we're on Instagram at Girls Get Off. Our Facebook group is Girls Get Off Uncensored. And you can find us on TikTok, Girls Get Off HQ. Our website, girlsgetoff. Thanks for listening.