Faking O's, Having More O's and Getting Out Of your Head with Portia Brown

You're listening to the Girls Get Off podcast, an R18 podcast in all things female pleasure. Think girl talk, but real girl talk, where we chat all things masty, self loving, sex, orgasms and more. Nothing is off limits, which means you get all the secrets even our guests BFFs don't know. We're on a mission to make talking about getting off as fun as actually doing it. Ready to join the Mastination? Let's get into it. 

Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Girls Get Off podcast. Today we've been speaking to Portia Brown. And again, just a nice different take on, you know, all things sex positive. Yeah, what are your takings away from that one, Viv? Yeah I agree, I think she had some really different perspectives and really actionable things that, you know, for example how to get out of your head and what breathing sort of things we can focus on for that. And actually that getting out of your head can mean more than just in the bedroom, but actually applying that to other areas of our life, you know, talking about people who might have been... brought up in religious households and what that might've meant and then how we can maybe work through some things that might be affecting your sex life. So there was some really cool tips in there and I like the way that she presents everything. It's really easy to understand and I think it doesn't matter who you are, whether you have issues getting out of your head or not, that these are all really relevant. Yeah, I think especially if you don't have an issue with it, hey, you've definitely got a friend that does We know that, I think, from our DMs and stuff. We're so similar to the issues. She deals with quite a lot. And another thing that I loved is the importance she puts around having a community as well to talk to. One reason why we love Girls Get Off Uncensored so much, the Facebook group, because it is. It's so empowering to be a part of a group like that and ask. questions and get these positive answers and stuff, hey? Yeah, no one has talked about that before, but I guess that's why Girls Get Off is so special and why we're so different from every other brand is because no one else has a community of people who support each other like we do. Like we're not just selling vibrators, you can literally ask anonymous questions that you wouldn't even ask your friends and get support from randoms on the internet, but that are all part of. the same sort of crew. So you're right, I really liked that. I liked that part. And when she said it, it also made heaps of sense to me. Yeah, all right, I'll get into her bio and then we will start the episode. So Portia Brown shows up as a sexual empowerment coach, conscious sexuality guide and facilitator. She is the founder of Portia Brown Coaching, a blog and social media platform that supports women and femmes. in living authentic, intuitive, pleasure-centered lives. She's been featured in Cosmopolitan magazine, Glamour UK, and on podcasts such as Doing It with Hannah Witton, and Am I Making You Uncomfortable from the Huffington Post. Welcome to the podcast, Portia. So great to have you on. Thank you. I'm so happy to be here. So nice to be here chatting with both of you. So you could tell the audience where your journey started and how did you get into this? Oh gosh, yeah, it's this has been a long time coming and I did not realize until maybe four years ago that this is something I wanted to pursue professionally but the journey started when I was just about to start puberty so when I was maybe 11 or 12 years old. I grew up in a really conservative family. I'm from the Midwest, I'm from Michigan in the United States. I'm from a Christian and black family and that is like a perfect cocktail for never talking about sex ever at all. And my mom, my mother is a wonderful person, we have a great relationship. And she just did it, she didn't have the language to tell me the things that I needed to know. as a young girl who was coming into puberty, whose body was changing and was experiencing all the things that you do when you're prepubescent. So instead of talking to me about sex, she gave me and my little sister a couple of books. And to me that signaled, all right, well, I'm gonna have to do some research. I was entering middle school and I was becoming familiar with like seeking out information for myself. So, and I was already a book- bookworm at the time. So I headed down to my local library and I searched the shelves for whatever sex ed content I could get my hands on. And of course it was a small town so it was sort of a limited selection, but still that era of my life really set me up to be a very curious person about sex and intimacy and be resourceful about discovering well what are the facts? how do I sort out the myths from what the actual truth is? And that habit sort of followed me into adulthood. and into college where I eventually started volunteering on my campus, helping do consent workshops and passing out condoms at clubs and things like that. And eventually I entered adulthood with no intention to pursue any sex ed or sex coaching related thing. I went to school to be a journalist and so that's what I did for a while after I left school. was going to be next for me. I had set out to get this dream of becoming a journalist and then I did it and it didn't fit the lifestyle that I wanted and I just was like, oh crap, what am I going to do now? And my partner, who is a wonderful person, said you're always like reading books about sex, you listen to all these sex podcasts and YouTube channels and you're always bringing up sexually explicit content at parties and asking questions about like why don't you do something with that? And I was like okay, like I'm a journalist so let me write about it. So I started my Instagram in 2019 and things have sort of escalated and snowballed from there over the last four or so years. That's such a cool story. And go your mum, like for being from that era as well where they didn't have the skills to talk to us about it. How great to give you books on it. Like great tactic mum. I'm glad that, yeah. Age appropriate books, but books nonetheless. Yeah, yeah, I'm grateful to her for it because a lot of my parents didn't get any education at all. They were just, were told like, don't do it. And when you get married, the person you marry will know exactly what to do. And that was the end of it, you know? Oh my gosh. I mean now you talk a lot about mindfulness and sexuality and self pleasure but I'm sure that those books that you read in the library at the beginning of your journey weren't talking about that. Absolutely not. So how has that evolved and changed to what you do now in terms of what I'm sure were quite anatomical books, maybe they talked a little bit about consent or disease and then now you've got this really holistic approach to the topic. Yeah, that has been born sort of out of a combination of things. My own journey with mindfulness, separate from sex, discovering yoga, meditation, and things like that. And then also, as I became a sex educator and as I started reading research, discovering that, hey, the research says these things are supportive to a holistic and happy sex life. These things are supportive to being more present, being more fully embodied. with your partner. Wow, who knew? Testing it out on myself and saying, wow, when I focus on my breathing during sex, I'm way more likely to orgasm or I'm way more likely to feel present. So it's been a combination of my own journey with meditation and mindfulness outside of sex and totally separate and then my journey of doing sex research or reading sex research and discovering that, wow, the research really supports that these two things go together to my clients and to the people that I work with. Cool. And what is probably one of the most common things you have people coming to you for, do you think? I would say top three. One of the top three is definitely learning to be more present. lot of women a lot of people that I work with say I just can't get out of my head I'm thinking about that email that I need to send or I'm wondering if this person is enjoying being with me if they're looking at my belly fat or if they're noticing the like dimples on my thighs or if they're thinking I'm making weird sounds and they're in their head about sex a lot So that would be one probably be a lack of orgasm or lack of orgasm with partner far more frequently than people that have never had an orgasm at all. I speak with people that are having orgasms by themselves but they're not able to make it happen consistently with a partner. And then number three is probably just general sexual shame. People who have sort of religious trauma or come from a culture purity culture, people who feel guilty for experiencing pleasure, people who aren't used to experiencing pleasure. So those would be sort of the top three most common conversations that I'm having. Yeah, I feel like that sounds very similar to our DMs as well, a lot of the time. And so can you give us any tips on getting out of your mind for that number one? Yeah, the thing that I like to share with people who are struggling to get out of their head during sex is to take some time and start to identify other parts of your life where you find yourself in your head where you should be pressing. When you are playing with your kids or when you're eating dinner when you're out with your friends, when you're on your drive, are you noticing that you're disembodied most of your life? Hint hint, the vast majority of us live on autopilot and are not embodied and doing. We're usually trying to multitask because that's what our society deems necessary. It encourages us to do more and do more things than one at one time. They encourage us to be driving and making grocery lists in our head or be at work writing emails while also thinking about what we have to do when we get home, right? So beginning to just notice it fully like wow these are all and then begin to slowly practice a lifestyle of being present. Don't even think about sex yet. Don't even think about it. Don't even worry about it. Keep doing what you're doing. But really trying to cultivate a holistic lifestyle where you're noticing, hey I'm not present, and then begin to integrate tools and skills to bring yourself into the present moment. Usually this can be done with the breath, some sort of acknowledgement or affirmation is a brain is doing the thing again, she's wandering off, let me feel into my body and bring myself back into the present moment. Focusing on your senses is a really good one. Your senses are how you know you're alive and in a human body and having this earthly experience, right? So if you find yourself not feeling very present, you can look around you and say what's one thing I can see, hear, feel, taste. I'm forgetting one. I always forget one of the five, right? and see if that helps ground you in your body. The most powerful lighthouse back to the present moment is going to be your breath. And that goes for if you are... driving in your car, whether you are at work giving a presentation or if you are in bed with a partner. So simply taking a few deep breaths in through the nose and out through the mouth can help you be way more present. What tends to happen is we begin to notice like, huh, my brain's wandering off again. And we badger ourselves for it. We make ourselves wrong. And instead I want to encourage people to just acknowledge it as a thing that happens. Spew out all sorts of garbage thoughts all of the time just like your heart is designed to beat and your lungs are designed To pull in air and push out air your brain is designed to like make noise So you have a job to override that wiring and say we're gonna be present I'm gonna focus on the sensations in my body. I'm gonna focus on the sounds around me I'm gonna focus on the feeling with I'm having with my partner I'm gonna ask them to speak with me and engage with me when we're having sex so that I feel more present and more connected to them unless isolated in my own body. So breathing, focusing on your senses and cultivating a more present lifestyle because if you are focusing on trying to be more present in bed but you're still letting yourself live the rest of your life on autopilot you're gonna be fighting an uphill battle. Interesting I don't think anyone's ever talked to us before around thinking about other aspects of your life and being present how that also reflects in the bedroom. You mentioned the issue of people not being able to orgasm with a partner. I mean, could this be because they're doing it the same way every time by themselves, maybe the same position and so on, but what's your advice for people who are experiencing that? Yeah, well first of all I just want to acknowledge that. So many people deal with this challenge, right, of being able to get there in four minutes flat when they're by themselves and struggling, struggling and struggling when they are with a partner. And that can be due to a lot of different things. As you mentioned, many of us are creatures of habit. Once we figure out how to unlock that box and get to the goal, we will do exactly that thing over and over and over again when we are by ourselves. hate that same sensory experience when we are with a partner. Many of us may be, I don't know, self-pleasuring on our backs with our right hand, if you're right-hand dominant, right? How can you recreate that with a partner? Most of the time, most of the scripts we have or the sort of, quote, normal ways that we engage in sexual stimulation with a partner don't resemble that, right? to orgasms, to orgasm in specific ways. Not to say that you can't learn different ways or new ways, but if you have been masturbating on your back with your right hand since you were 13, and now you're 30, that's a lot of wiring in your brain saying this is what pleasure looks like, this is what leads me to orgasm, this is what feels good to me, right? It's sort of like if you move across town after living in a house for five years, and you're driving from work, and you're driving to the new house, on your old street right just because of habit just because you're high hardwired in your brain like this is the path to home right it's very similar when we are talking about driving from I don't know a state of calm to an orgasm right so we have to think about how can I duplicate the way that I'm stimulating myself when I'm with my partner and this is the big one and this is where people need a lot of resistance can I diversify the way that I engage with myself? I encourage people to just start with doing the opposite of whatever you've been doing, right? If you are a person who likes to self-pleasure on your back, see what it's like to do it on your stomach or on all fours or standing up or in the shower. If you always self-pleasure in bed, can you do it on the couch? Can you do it in the bathtub? Can you do it in a different room in your house and sort of create a new association with the location that you're having. Another thing that may become a challenge in addition to the conditioning of this is how I orgasm, this is where I orgasm, is there's another body in the room that's not usually there, right? The vast majority of some people's sexual experiences are with themselves, and it's sort of an outlier to have sex with another person, especially if you're not in a long-term relationship, right? So that can be something that throws off your focus. that throws you off of your routine and it can be something that continually pulls focus away from your ability to focus on the pleasure that's happening in your body, focus on being embodied, focus on being present so that you can actually achieve an orgasm. All of this is going to take longer. If you're changing up your routine, if you're trying to diversify what solo sex looks like for you, just know that it's going to take longer for you to get there. in let's say the same position, similar position with a partner, just the very fact that they are there and they usually are not is going to mean that your attention is being pulled towards them. And that's okay, but be patient with yourself because it's going to take longer. So if you are someone that has not been able to have an orgasm or you do not orgasm consistently with another person, try diversifying how you have solo sex and also try to encourage that you stimulate yourself. This is an important point to also make. The majority of people with clitorises orgasm with clitoral stimulation primarily, right? If you are a heterosexual person with a vulva or you're having sex with someone who has a penis, the majority of sex is focused on penetration. The vast majority of us, around 73% of us, are not gonna orgasm from penetration alone. simulation there right so if you are wondering huh Why can't I orgasm when I'm with my partner? I mean, in porn and in movies, when there's penetration involved, like somehow the woman is magically having an orgasm, right? I wanna remind you, all of that is fiction. All of that is written probably by a man somewhere. And the reality is, if you have a clitoris, that is your sexual organ, right? It is the anatomical twin to the penis. So just like you would not expect your partner to be able to get off from you rubbing his testicles, you should not expect yourself to be able to get off from penetration alone. So the other piece of advice I would give is ask for more clitoral stimulation. Make it mandatory, make it a non-negotiable because again for around 73% of us it is not going to happen without clitoral stimulation of some kind. That is so true, that is true. Would you like me to just rub your balls for 30 minutes and see if you come? It's not gonna work. I mean some people, some people might be able to get there, but the vast majority of us understand that if you're dealing with someone with a penis, you need to stimulate their penis in order for them to have an orgasm. And the same goes for people with vulvas. There are probably people out there that have their orgasms by getting their testicles rubbed. There are definitely people out there that have orgasms from having their prostate simulated. But the vast majority of penis owners are like, I want you to touch my penis. I want my penis to be stimulated. And the same goes for those most glitterous. I watched an episode the other day of You. I've been watching that. And she had an orgasm in about 20 seconds. And I was like, come on, you're ruining it for everyone. Yeah, mainstream TV. I understand they don't have time to show them getting out the condom and pulling out the vibrator and letting the person with the vulva warm up, but like this truncated version of sex has to stop because it just does not work like that. Yeah, it doesn't. Yeah, such a big one we see again come through is, it's just them in their mind a lot of the time as well with a partner there, right? And as soon as they're like, he's not making me cum, whatever they're thinking. The second, I feel like that's, you know, bye-bye any chances because you're putting too much pressure on it to begin with. And also I hate, I want us to do away with the phrase, make me come. Because that's not, that's not like, you can help me have an orgasm, you can support me in having an orgasm. But like the idea of someone making you come is not, it puts the ball in the other person's court. And while of course you want your partner to enthusiastically support you through your pleasure, responsibility. That might be an unpopular opinion but the fact of the matter is no one knows your body babe. You have to know your body so that you can show your partner this is what feels good to me. This is the side of my clitoris that's the most sensitive. I actually have a really sensitive clitoris so I prefer that you rub like on the side of my labia and stimulate me that way or I actually am one of the rare birds the 25% of people who orgasms from internal stimulation alone. So this is how I like to be stimulated. If you're waiting for someone to make you come, you might be waiting a long time. Yeah. So it's up to you to determine, do I want someone to make me come, or do I want someone to help me experience pleasure and help me experience more orgasm? Yeah, I think that was one of the first things that came up when Viv and I started Girls Get Off a couple of years ago now. And just after a few months, hey Viv, we started getting DMs, is my partner's never made me come before, and this and that. that's like, wow, they like, there's just no education at the time. Like, it's changing so rapidly now, which is so great. But yeah, it's, it was just, you know, bad sex was kind of blamed on the partner and was, you know, they probably didn't know what they liked themselves anyway, to begin with. So yeah, so great points. And you mentioned in your, when I was reading your bio, you talk a lot about how this has been a real journey for you and there was a stage where you've done like, I think when we survey our audience, what like 90% of women have faked an orgasm and that was part of your journey as well. What did it feel like when you were able to stop faking orgasms, whether that be because you were asking for what you want or you're actually having them? What was that like for you? It felt like, oh no one's ever asked me this because it was a long time. I was in my, I started having sex when I was 19. I started having sex when I was 19 and probably close to five years I was faking orgasms, which is a lot shorter than a lot of people. But I finally was in a partnership where I felt safe and where I felt like, okay. this person actually cares about my pleasure. And so I'm gonna tell him, I have not been having orgasms. I wasn't faking it, but he just thought I was having orgasms and I just didn't tell him I wasn't. But I definitely wasn't faking it at that point. And so I told him, like, this is how I stimulate myself. This is what would feel good if you did it to me. And so we tried. And what worked was that we finally took the pressure off of me to come, it stopped being, we're gonna make Portia come now, like it's your turn. And more like how can I help her just, how can I just help her feel as good as possible for as long as possible until she's ready to stop. And in that moment I remember feeling like this little baby orgasm budding in my body and I had felt that sensation before. I'd come close many times with like, just relax, just relax, just relax, just relax. Oh my gosh, just relax, just relax. And I just kept telling myself that through the entire orgasm, I was just like, just relax, just relax, just relax, just relax. Don't, almost like don't scare it off. Just relax. And in that moment, because of what we were doing, he realized like, oh, there's something happening in her body that doesn't usually take place. of had the same feeling of like, okay, just don't do anything different. Don't scare it off. Like, let's just keep going. And I just felt very, very like triumphant and like, okay, like, I can actually do this. And the key is to like not try to just focus on feeling good. And this is what I tell all of my clients and they look at me like I'm telling them to like, I don't know, drink a gallon of gasoline or something. what do you mean to have an orgasm by not trying to? But that's yeah, that's what happened to me when I was in my last year of college. That's so, so great. And yeah, because no, I was one of the ones that like, yeah, haven't we all faked an orgasm? But Viv, the hero is the one out there doing it for the girls. And if they don't deserve the credit of an orgasm, she doesn't give it to them. Why would I fake this? I mean, yeah, as a bisexual woman, the only time that I didn't feel pressure to was when I started having sex with other women because I was like, how am I going to fake this with you? How am I going to pretend? You're going to know, you know? And I think that's, yeah. But I feel like if you're one of the people who has never faked an orgasm, like kudos to you, you would escape. the pressures of patriarchy? Yeah well I don't know whether they... yeah I mean there's been multiple occasions you still get the but did you come and I say in my head you know I'm like at what point did you think that happened but you know again it's self-responsibility that's what we're into so we've got yeah we're all over it now. Can I offer an alternative alternative questions to like did you come is like are you are you done like are you finished not are you finished but like do you want to continue and if the answer is no and the person feels satisfied and fulfilled sometimes The orgasm is a tricky thing. And I'm sure you all have talked about this on this show at some point, but it's the over-centralization, the overemphasis on orgasm that often makes it very hard to do it. And I don't know about the two of you, but I've had sexual experiences that included an orgasm that like still weren't very fulfilling, or the orgasm wasn't the best part. And so the question of like, do you feel complete? Do you feel satisfied? Do you feel done? Do you feel finished over like, come is it gets to that more, right? Because I may have orgasm, but that doesn't mean I'm done. That doesn't mean I'm finished. Or I may not have orgasm and I may feel like complete and satisfied and ready to make a sandwich and like go watch Narcos on the couch. Yeah, I like the word satisfied, hey? Yeah, nice. One part when I was reading through your website that caught my eye, was you give tips on juicy sexual exploration or assignments you give your clients assignments to do. Yeah, can we have any little juicy? assignment can... Oh, okay, let me think of one of my favorite ones. Well, one of my favorite ones is very simple. So when I work with my clients, I work with my one-on-one clients in my mindful sex and pleasure coaching program. Typically, these are people that are trying to get back in touch with their sexuality, trying to get in touch with their sexuality for the first time, trying to overcome challenges like purity culture, not being present during sex, not being able to orgasm during sex, not feeling very sexual in general, not feeling very sexually confident. So the things that I encourage them and invite them to do are designed to help them overcome those challenges and Really discover their autonomous sexual identity outside of the socialized scripts or norms or expectations that we all have right I'm not trying to make everyone into like a laundry wearing like floggers define like what is your sexuality look like for you Joe? What does your sexuality look like for you Viv? What does your sexuality look like for you Portia and for every individual person? So one of my favorite ones and something that is surprisingly challenging for people is I have them do a self-portrait photo shoot and I encourage them to think about what kind of props they want to use, what kind of clothing they want to wear, do they want to wear clothing at in the daytime, do you want to do it at night? Do you want to have your partner help you out with this? Like think about what would a photo shoot look like for your highest sexual self? Or at least your current sexual self. Joe's experience a bit of- Take the photos. Bit of resistance from Joe on the photo shoot. I know, I saw, I saw. Can you think Trump on the photo shoot? For some people it's like, oh my gosh, I can't. Yeah. You can be whatever you need to do, right? For some people it feels like, ooh, this is really juicy and exciting and I can't wait to dive into this. But for a lot of people, body image issues come up. They're clueless as to what would I even wear for something like this? I don't wanna wear lingerie, what would it look like for me to do, blah, blah. So usually this program is a six month program. Usually the week that I offer this as an experience, they don't do it to be completely honest. And I'm used to that and I expect it at this point. Actually, when people come to me and they're like, hey, so I did the photo shoot. I'm like, really? Because I know it's going to bring up of these amazing things that we get to talk about now, right? Like, what are the points of resistance that you're having against this assignment and why? And let's talk about how we can make it feel approachable for you. Let's talk about why this is something that's going to be supportive to you in the long run and why this is something that you can do and look at all the pictures and be like, oh my gosh, my butt looks so flat and my tummy looks saggy and still appreciate the experience of doing it and capturing your sexual essence. without any pressure for it to look or be any sort of way. It's not even about the photos as the end result. It's about the experience of thinking about, huh, if I was my best sexual self, if I was fully embodying this version of me that I know that I can be and I want to be, what would that person wear? Would she wear makeup for this? What color lipstick would she wear? How would she do her eyeliner? How can I begin to really step into this new identity and capture it in a photo as best I can? Whether the photo looks like shit or not is not the point. It's usually where the discussion ends up. It doesn't matter if you think the photos are pretty. It's about the exercise of moving through, dressing up as your sexual self and trying to capture that person. How cool, I love the idea of it. Yeah, no, that. Let me know if you want a scheduled call. I got you, I got you. And anyone else listening, that's a freebie. That's a free exercise for anyone to try Let me know DME, let me know what happens when you move through it. I like, yeah, that's fascinating because I can see how it's really, really beneficial. Yep. But I mean the fact that you, I'll just say this, you are hosting a podcast about sex and you feel resistance toward it still, right? That's a testament to anyone listening that like if these things feel hard, that's okay. It's okay. It's fine. I mean, it's just photos. And what do you do, you know, of not my sexual self? Say you do the photo shoot, might be a year down the track, you think you've moved past these things, maybe you stop faking orgasms, and then you feel tempted again with a new partner perhaps. This is all a journey, right? And what tools do you have for people who might find them, their brain trying to slip them back to that area of what feels comfortable or normal, or the things that they practiced for 10 years, what do we do when we start to slip back? Is that a badly worded question? Yeah. That is, no, I totally understand what you're saying, and that's a phenomenal question, because our society is simultaneously incredibly sexualized and incredibly sex negative. And while we're doing all of this internal work, we're doing all this work to connect with our sexual identity. We're doing all this work with our partner or partners. And at the same time, we're coming up against all this sex negativity in our culture. And we may be tempted to like, I'm gonna have performative sex with my partner tonight to make them feel good I'm gonna wait fake and orgasm or I'm not going to tend to my own sexual needs and desires because now I'm in a relationship And that would be wrong for me to keep masturbating right like the most powerful tool We all have access to when it comes to Maintaining our sense of sexual identity is actually our community Making sure that you have friends online you have some sort of community that is sex positive and is going to remind you of your sexual identity and your sexual power. Depending on where you live it may be hard to find people that are sex positive but if you have access to the internet you have access to a sex positive community. You can take a yoni-gazing virtual class, you can take a like self-pleasure seminar, you can and all the social media platforms, you can listen to these podcasts, right? And in some way, podcasts can be a community. It can be a way to continue to have dialogue and conversations about sexuality and sex positivity that reminds you, this is my why. So the first tool I would say if you're starting to feel like, how do I maintain a sense of center and groundedness in terms of maintaining my sexual identity and confidence in that arena is going to be your community. Great tip, great tip, even though I almost just fell off my chair, that was that little thing you saw on the camera. I didn't see that. And what about this purity culture you talk about? I mean, I think we're all familiar with it, but I know that that's something you've talked about before in terms of that sexual shame and thinking that you needed to save yourself for marriage. What was it like to work through that process? And this must be something that pops up quite often for your clients, as you mentioned. Yeah, for me personally, it's been a while. journey with purity culture. Purity culture I sort of lump in with my lack of sex education or need for self sex education because that was the root of my parents inability to speak with me about sex is purity culture. This conflict of we have this young girl who is about to start her period, get boobs, start to develop and start to experience hormones for the first time but like we because then she might be encouraged to have sex. All of that comes from my Christian background. All that comes from purity culture and it created this association in my mind that of course like sex is bad and then on top of that I was experiencing a queer identity. So yeah my Christian background was the root of my lack of sex education and my need to self educate myself about sex and intimacy and it also created this association in my mind that like sex is and I actually took a purity vow as a teenager and me and my sister promised like we were both gonna wait until we were married to have sex. we were in this youth group and it was really a lovely community but it was a very sex negative community, right? so then when I turned 19 and I made the conscious decision to start having sex because my hormones were like, yo, you need this is what you need. I was very conflicted and then on top of that I was experiencing a queer identity and queer feelings and it was just this jumble of confusion and self-hatred and lots and lots and lots of sadness and confusion. And eventually I started to explore my spirituality more, which was a great support to my sexual identity and learning to sort of separate. separate some of the messaging that I had received as a kid and as a young person from what I truly believed and what truly resonated with me, what I really believed about God and what I really believed about faith and for my clients that are also from a Christian background or from a religious background of some sort that deal with this, we get to talk about it. We get to talk about what are the ways that it shows up for you. For some of them it might mean that, you know, I've had clients that are Christian or whatever religion and they've gotten married and they still are not able to fully let go during sex because the majority of their life this is something that I've had to avoid this is something that I wasn't able to experiment with and now even though I'm technically like this is what I'm supposed to do it I have all of these all of this wiring about sex and it's hard if you can't just flip the switch and change it overnight right and for each person your journey is going to be very individual especially if you come background, determining how you want to relate to that background now, determining what resonates with you in terms of your faith now, that's a very individual journey. So what I would say to people that are dealing with this, who are dealing with religious trauma, who come from a cult from a background of purity culture, is figure out how you want to relate to your religious and figure out what are some of the things that you are carrying, some of the messages that you are carrying that don't resonate with who you are at this point and what you truly believe about your faith if you're still following it and yourself. There are a ton of coaches out there that actually deal with queer folks, sexuality and purity culture very specifically I'm one that sort of deals with it on the margins support you through it if that's something that comes up for you but there are actually people out there that like they only deal with people that are trying to overcome purity culture and religious trauma as it intersects with their sex lives or as it as it intersects with their sexual identity as a queer person. So seek out those communities seek out communities that are de-churching or deconstructing their faith and again community is one of the really complex issues because we get to have a dialogue. We get to reflect and use other people and their experiences as mirrors for us so that we can move forward. The antidote to shame is empathy. This is from Brene Brown. For those of you that know and love Brene Brown like I do, she says the antidote to shame is empathy. And the best thing you can do if you're version of yourself that is that first heard that message that you are now carrying and think about what did that person actually need to know and hear about their sexuality at that time you know when I was 14 I was told like don't be caught alone in a room with the boy don't be kissing don't do none of that and what I really need to hear was like you're gonna experience hormones your body is gonna start to send you signals that you've never ever felt before even be a little bit scary and here's what you can do you can pleasure yourself you can do it in the privacy of a bedroom with clean hands and explore by yourself you can kiss boys but let them know like I'm not doing anything else because I'm 14 and it's literally illegal in the United States these are the things that I actually needed to hear and also express empathy to your younger self because whatever messages that you received were ultimately harmful to your ability to connect to your sexuality so that person person needed and still needs a lot of empathy and love and support. So insightful, so helpful. I feel like this episode today has just been full of things people can take away and apply to their own sex lives and lives in general for that matter. And if people want to find out more about you, Portia, where can they get in contact and where can they follow you? Of course. So I am at the Portia Brown, T-H- in. On all social media platforms, TikTok and Instagram are probably the places that I am most active and my website is pors I usually offer a workshop once every couple of months. I do offer one-off calls and a six month one-on-one program. It's been so great chatting to you. Thank you so much again for coming on. To see if I resonate with you, if my work resonates with you. You can even reach out to me if I don't and I can help direct you to a- Ultimately, I want everyone to get the support that they need. Yay! Thank you both for having me. It's been so nice talking to you both. Thanks for listening to another episode of the Girls Get Off podcast. Make sure you leave us five stars on Spotify or a review if you're listening on Apple podcasts. Just one thing to note is that we can't have any explicit words on Apple podcasts, otherwise it doesn't get shown. So make sure you keep it PG. And if you want to find out more about Girls Get Off, we're on Instagram at Girls Get Off. Our Facebook group is Girls Get Off Uncensored. And you can find us on TikTok, Girls Get Off HQ. Our website, girlsgetoff.com. Thanks for listening.