Are You and Your Partner Sexually Compatible? A Conversation with Dr. Tara

You're listening to the Girls Get Off podcast, an R18 podcast on all things female pleasure. Think girl talk, but real girl talk, where we chat all things masty, self-loving, sex, orgasms, and more. Nothing is off limits, which means you get all the secrets, even our guests, TFFs, don't know. We're on a mission to make talking about getting on as fun as actually doing it. Ready to join the Mastination? Let's get into it. 

Hi and welcome back to the Girls Get Off podcast. We are joined today by Dr. Tara. We're just about to jump on with her. Hold on, let me start that again. Hi and welcome back to the Girls Get Off podcast. We are just about to, what do we normally say? What do we normally say? Today we've got, today we're talking to Dr. Tara. Okay, all right, all right, all right. Welcome back to the Girls Get Off podcast. You've got questions going through your mind that you need to remember to answer. I know, okay. Hi and welcome to the Girls Get Off podcast. Today we have Dr. Tara speaking with us. She ran a huge study with over 5,000 people on predictors of sexual satisfaction, but before we jump into that, we're just gonna do a bit of a recap because that was awesome. Yeah, I've never heard Viv lost for words, but this is her. Fourth take of the intro, because she took so many goodies out of that episode. I really struggle sometimes in the podcast because when I listen to really good information, all I'm thinking about is my own life and I'm like, stop applying this to your life and listen to what she's saying so you can ask the next question. But in this episode, I just like, I couldn't not do it. She had so many good... insights into predictors of sexual satisfaction, but also communication and like even compatibility, which I really liked. No one's talked to us about that before. No. And like you said, you know, it's, it's an obvious one, right? Communication in terms of relationships is a major, major factor. And nearly everyone we have on touches on it. But to just dig deeper, hey, and actually get this valid, like really good kind of tips. Game changer. Yeah, and as you'll probably already know from the podcast, I like it when someone says, at month one, ask this, or at date two, ask this. There's a little bit of that in there as well. But it is, yeah, that was great. I'm gonna read out her bio so we can give a bit of context around the work that she has done. Pause, hold on. Okay. Unapologetic, unfiltered, and sexually liberated sex professor with over two million followers on social media. Dr. Tara believes every person alive has the God-given right to an incredible sex life. Dr. Tara is a tenured professor, textbook author, award-winning researcher, podcast host at LoveBites, which is one of the top 5% podcasts on Spotify. and sex coach who has featured on numerous media such as Cosmopolitan, Women's Health Magazine and Men's Health Magazine as well as Pixie 11 News and KTLA. Welcome to the podcast Dr. Tara. Thank you so much for joining us today. Hey, hey, I'm excited to be here. Yay. And look, we're so excited to hear all about your study and the TED talk that you spoke about and all of your work. But from the beginning, I want to hear about... how your website says how you went from anxious immigrant to sexually confident. Is that right? Did I get that right? Yeah. Tell us about that journey. Yeah, it's a long journey, but I'm going to tell a short version of it where I'm originally from Thailand. I grew up in a very conservative environment. I went to an all girls Catholic school where like my principal was a nun and where, you know, where girls have to wear a skirt like covering their knees and if it's like above their knees, they get hit on their hands. So it's all very kind of shame-based, patriarchal society and environment. So going from that to I came to the United States, I had a lot of anxiety surrounding my sexuality because I was a horny little girl. And when I was like 11 or 12, you know, in Thailand we have bidets, right? It's very common, every house has a bidet. I would always use a bidet, like an extra minute on my clit. And I didn't know it was sexual. It just felt good. Do you guys have bidets? No, I know what it is. No. I think, yeah. Yeah. I feel like it's only common in Asia. Yeah, well Japan has some, yeah, yeah. So. Oh, yeah. Japan has some advanced ones. Ours are like, so you can kind of hold on to it forever. I do remember those from Thailand actually. And I was so confused. I was like, what are these? Okay, that makes so much sense. I feel like a floral stimulation, but. But also deep breathing. Viv's heading back to Thailand. Yeah, yeah, I'm back off. I remember being a kid and just like using that and just feel really good. I was always curious and wanted to explore, but I wasn't in an environment where I could. So I shove that inside me and not like talk about it and not explore. Um, you know, I, from time to time, when I get a chance to be alone, I'll try to like watch porn, but again, this was, you know, 13, 14 year old me on dial up internet. I don't know how old your listeners are, but like, if you're in your thirties, you are forties, you remember dial up internet and it was hell slow. So every day, people tell me, like, you know, like, usually I Google Asian, so I'm like, hot Asian sex or whatever. Like, I would have to wait like a few minutes for it to even like download, like pop up. And so I would just remember thinking like, oh, I hope my parents don't just like walk in. So that was, that's it for me, like exploring as a teenager. And then I came to the United States. when I was, I think like 2021, and I first came to Los Angeles. And Los Angeles is one of the most, to me, like in my personal experience, one of the most sexually liberated places ever. If you've been to, you know, any like parties in LA or driving through like West Hollywood, you'll see like sexuality is a lot more accepted here. than anywhere else in the world that I've been to at that point. So when I first came here, I was like, holy shit, like people are so open. And there's sex toy shops that are so nice. It's like Apple Store. In Thailand, we didn't have anything like that. So that was my first kind of interaction with like sexual empowerment. And if it's not sexual empowerment, it's at least like lack of shame, like no shame in sexuality and exploring. So. since I got the taste of that, like, oh, wow, people are so sexually liberated. I want it more. So I went to graduate school. I studied relationships. I specifically studied communication in relationships. But I remember vividly in my PhD program, I read today's two studies that said one of the most universal issues for long-term relationships is sex. like everybody in long-term relationships have sex issues. And I'm like, holy shit. And have people been trying to solve that? Or do we just live with it? And I remember from then on, I wanted to be a part of the solution. What are some of the solutions? I want to be a part of the solution. I wanna talk about the solutions. I wanna find out the solutions. I wanna share more about the solutions. So ever since then, I became more of a sexual communication researcher and become, where I say expert of sexual communication. And that was the inspiration behind my 5,000 participants study that I presented in my TED talk. It's so incredible what you say because it is so true. Like I swear. probably 100% of people I've spoken to in a long-term relationship have had some sort of like sexual issues, right? Like sex is probably one of their major problems. And not once have I ever thought, who's solving that? Because it did just become a thing that people live with it, hey. Exactly. I was, you know, I was in academia, like in graduate school, and we were surrounded by people who like go to conferences. And usually at a conference, there's like a topic where people are trying to solve, right? So like, maybe it's water. Maybe it's like sewage issue. Maybe it's like erectile dysfunction. Maybe, you know, there's always an issue where people are trying to solve, like Recently in the last 10 years, a lot of conferences angle around, you know, like social injustice or racism or sexism, right? I love all of those things. But rarely would you ever see a conference where a group of academics are together trying to solve this one big universal issue. Long term sexual satisfaction. I'm. Just speechless. I feel like it's so important because I think it enhances every aspect of life. Not just like, Oh, you know, this is not big enough on an issue. Um, because I have a feeling if we're all in everyone in the world was sexually. Yeah. Fulfilled. Um, we wouldn't have a lot of these other issues. It's so true. And it says in your study that one third of people. sexually unsatisfied, is that right? Because I feel like the other two thirds may have lied. Well, a good portion of them. I think the issue is bigger than one third. I agree because okay, if the big, like you're right, you're right and if the people was like, oh one third of the people are sexually dissatisfied, why is divorce rate 55%? Yeah. One of the main reasons for divorce is sexual issues. So what then are the main reasons that people have these sexual dissatisfactions in their relationship? I think a lot of it stems from not knowing yourself enough. So lack of self-knowledge and poor communication. I think those are, in general, I think those are two fundamental issues. There's of course other issues, right? Like if your partner was sexually assaulted when they were young and they're not talking about it, or if your partner experiences like... premature ejaculation and it's too ashamed to talk about it. So there's like many specific issues but I think at the end of the day the foundational issues are you don't know yourself well enough and that you don't communicate well enough. And this is male and female like it doesn't matter on the gender because I mean our business is so focused around women, like I mean, the reasons that you talk about in terms of people being sexually dissatisfied. That's why we sell so many vibrators, because we know that our target customer, they wanna spice up their sex life. It's gotten a little bit stale, and it's not like it used to be. And so we talk a lot to women, but are you saying as well that men or any gender doesn't necessarily know themselves enough? I feel like we only ever hear the female perspective on this. Men and women, yeah. I think men and women equally, I think most of us, unless we made the conscious effort to educate ourselves. And is that in terms of like, what turns you on, what you like, or is it further than that in terms of like love languages? Like talk to me about that. I would say it's all of the above. So let's say, let's categorize it this way. Self-knowledge when it comes to sexual self-concept, it comes from understanding your baseline. So where you're at in terms of sexual self-concept, sexual self-esteem, are you at like super beginner because you've never explored, never read books about sex, never listened to podcasts about sex. And you just don't really don't know anything or much about your own sexuality, your likes and dislikes, how your history affects now. So are you the beginner? So like start with the baseline of like, where are you at? Perhaps you're someone who has been reading books, listening to this podcast and then educating yourself. So maybe you are a little bit more advanced. But what are some of the things that you still don't know? Perhaps you. know the concept of sex and sexuality from the Western world, but maybe you don't know about tantra. Maybe you don't know much about King and BDSM positive concepts. Right. So where are you at in your sexuality journey? It could be from, let's say one to 10. Right. So that's like where you start knowing and understanding yourself. And there's many different when it comes to studying yourself in sex, you can read Western-oriented books, but you can also go to somatic workshops and learn movement and pelvic floor exercises, or you can also go to educational workshops at sex clubs. You can also try sexual meditation and naked yoga. You know, but you can also go to medical sexual health medical conferences. So there's so many different aspects when it comes to educating yourself about your sexuality and just understanding sex in general. And I would say from then on, it's, you know, translating that into communication with your partner or partners. And that part is its own different beast. because there are people that know themselves really well, but still so anxious to communicate with their partners because it's two different skills, right? The ability to analyze and understand yourself versus externally like communicating for your goals. So that's another thing that you can train yourself is, how do I talk to my partner about different topics about sex? For example, Sadly, a lot of people have had experiences with sexual assault. How do you communicate? How that has affected the way you feel about touch or sexual initiation, right? If you choose to not communicate yet, you know, denying and ignoring sex with your partner, that becomes, you know, a whole different monster in a relationship. So that communication is really important. And. That's where I talk about communication a lot, where people are like, well, you know, I just, I want my dick to be bigger because like that will solve everything. Like, no, bro, it won't. Right? That's so hard. Yeah, I mean, I have no, I have, you know, no shaming any sizes of penises, no shaming, you know, women that want like, let it be a reconstruction for, so that it looks prettier, like. you know, you're fine, it's your prerogative. But at the end of the day, pretty labia will not make you feel more sexually like comfortable talking about sex unless you start practicing. Yeah, 100%. And like on the thinking of this from a male perspective as well, you know, like we grew up in this era of not talking about sex at all. And for a male, you can imagine them kind of coming through that era as well. Even though they I think their sexual education and stuff through school, they were more detailed in self-pleasure and stuff than females were. But even so, that's kind of like just in goal in mind-focused, I feel. Like none of this like intimacy, communication, nothing like that. So yeah, unless you really start reading and educating yourself a bit, hey, it's just. a lot of people out there with no idea. Uh-huh. I sometimes say it sounds a little creepy, but bear with me. When it comes to sexual communication skills, we're all five. Oh, that's so true. Yeah, because we've never been taught it. Like, we never were. Yeah. Yeah, I think from first grade till now, like, you were never taught how to talk about sex. So we're all just babies. We don't know how. Yeah, so true. Um, do you think it's possible to be sexually incompatible with someone? Like, and that's just the issue or is there hope for everybody in a relationship that's struggling sexually? You're laughing. Why are you laughing? I love this question. Uh, I get asked this a lot and. There's two ways to think about this, and there's two philosophies in sexology. The first philosophy is whether you have it or you don't. So sexual compatibility is upfront, and it's something that you either have or you don't have, and you won't be able to develop more of that chemistry in the future. So that's the first school of thought. The second philosophy is, that sexual chemistry and compatibility is developed, meaning the more emotional connection you have, the more likely you're gonna build more chemistry, sexual chemistry and tension for each other in a long period of time. So you may not have it at the beginning, but then it's something that you can develop in the future. That's two philosophies in understanding sexual compatibility and chemistry. Now, personally, I believe in the first philosophy because my personal story is when I was younger, I married someone who was amazing on paper. You know, I call them resume boyfriends. Like they just check every box, right? My resume has been check every box. Parents loved him. Just, you know, has everything that a girl should like a woman should want. Right? Like, you know, I met him and I'm just like, Oh, wow, your husband material, we should get married. So we got married. But what I had ignored the whole time was the fact that we never had sexual chemistry, never, we were never sexually compatible. But I look past that because societally I wanted to have a perfect life. I wanted, you know, I was already a professor. I was on tenure track, like life's going great publishing my research. Everything's going great apart from oh, yeah, shoot. I'm a woman and not married yet in my late 20s. I should get married soon. So I was on, you know, a journey in like finding a husband. I was on Tinder and you know, match with this guy and he was perfect. And I mean, he is for someone right now. But we never have sexual chemistry. But then back then I subscribed to the second school of thought where no, it's okay. Like he checked every box. We will build sexual compatibility later. Right? as time goes by and you know, one year, one and a half, two years, I'm like, hmm, we just never had great sex. Do you think, did you find him attractive? Like were you like, oh, he's good looking, like I'm into this. I, that's a good question. I would objectively say he is a good looking man. Yeah. He's six to, um, oh, you guys use centimeters, huh? 185. You know, like he's tall, he's good looking, he's wealthy. Like he had everything going just in bed. Like when we kiss, when we try to have sex, it's just, it's never amazing. Right. It was, it was okay. It was okay. We, we, we. have good connection going, but it was never amazing. Like I've had more amazing sex with like people that I hooked up with randomly in France one time. You know, and, but he's perfect, right? So to me, I'm like, no, I'm gonna, gotta stick it out. I gotta stick it out. And I think most women who have had this experience know exactly what I'm saying. Yeah. And it's heavy because one day you realize you're never gonna have it. because you've been trying and you're never going to have it. So we decided to get a divorce. And now, so that's been a long time. And now I'm with my current partner. We're married now. Even though we've been together now a few years, like that sexual chemistry, connection and compatibility is very strong. And I know for a fact, through my personal experience, there is a difference. There's a huge difference. between a partner that you are not sexually compatible with and a partner that you are sexually compatible with immediately. And it's not honeymoon phase. We've been together many years now. It's whether you have that, like, when you look at them, you're just like, ah, you make me horny. And it's not all the time. I have stressful days. But at the end of the day, baseline, right, back to baseline, like, are you looking at your partner and go, like, man, you're sexy? Yeah. So that's kind of my little personal. story caveat to why now I subscribe to philosophy. Yeah, I can, I can so relate to that. I went through a phase with a particular boyfriend that just wanted sex all the time, but it was because, you know, like every time we saw each other, that's all you wanted to kind of kind of do, but yeah, it does, um, in my history too, it, it has been just the kind of person. Yeah. I mean, have any of you, like even just ex-boyfriends or girlfriends, have any of you experienced the other one where like you like had no sexual chemistry from the beginning, but then like had developed it later on? No, I've had one where there's no sexual chemistry at the beginning and there was no sexual chemistry at the end. Yeah, and I think you I think what you're saying in terms of you can find people objectively hot, you know Like this is a really attractive friend or something, but you don't want to like sleep with them Well, you can say yeah, he's really hot but I feel no, you know, there's like hot versus attracted, you know They're like two different. Yeah You're so right, thank you for saying that a lot of people would say Thor is hot right? Oh, um, Chris hamsworth. Yes, he's Australian. Yeah Yeah, a lot of people always say Thor is hot, right? I would agree Thor is hot, but if there's Thor and Loki, I'm gonna fuck Loki. There's a difference between like sexual chemistry where you find like oh shit like this person's the person Like I want to have sex with versus like just someone who's on like Chris Hemsworth That's hot. But to me like Thor and Loki I find Loki a lot more sexually attractive. So true. Yeah Okay, I can think of lots of examples of this in my head right now. I'm not even focused on this podcast So when you when you meet with couples you do a work with individuals and couples and you talk about, obviously in your study, the predictors of sexual satisfaction. Can you look at a couple and, you know, I bet you can tell straight away, oh no, this is not going well. I mean, they're talking to you in the first place, right? But what are those, you know, the red flags of like, oh, they're not happy here or, you know, even if they're not saying it to you, like I'm sure you might have situations where people might be talking about something else, but you can also tell that maybe. There's some, you know, this sex life isn't as good as they're admitting or so on. I don't know. What are those little red flags where you go, something's not right here. There's room for improvement. Ooh. Well, when I see a couple, there are questions that I ask them. It's a pretty long questionnaire to understand where they're at in the relationship. And I would say just by, like looking at them in the first session and how they interact with one another and how they answer those questions on the questionnaire. I can almost tell that like it won't be, or it will be a successful relationship. Really? We're going to have a video call when I start to date someone. And so I don't waste time. I told people like, if you want to save time, feel free to just call me. I'll be like, nah, this won't work. But the thing is the context is different. The thing is when people seek out a help of a professional, like couples counseling, they are already in a vulnerable place. Uh, sadly, right? Because people should just do couples counseling when they're not in a vulnerable place, just for fun, like just to maintain the like taking vitamins. Uh. But no, they don't. People usually see couples counselor when they have like a big issue. So me observing how they talk about that issue and how they like express how they feel about each other is typically a pretty good predictor of whether or not that's gonna be a successful relationship. I have a couple of clients and of course like I don't ever share too specifically who they are, but I have some clients that I... counseling right now and I just know that they have like true like love and passion for each other but their communication is poor so like let's train that part but then there's also some couples where I'm like oh you don't like you don't find each other attractive like this is I don't even know if this is possible like I could be training your communication I could help you plan date nights I could help you plan three thumbs, but at the end of the day, I just don't think that you guys are good, have good compatibility. And typically I don't just say that. That's not going to work. Uh, I usually have them come up with, uh, a list of non-negotiables. And I tell them to be really honest, really honest. what their non-negotiables are. And these are like the must have. Think of you 10 years from now. What do you see? What do you see what you must have in order to achieve the kind of life that you want? And of course, like, you know, living in the now is really important. I'm a big fan of mindfulness and just like living in the moment, but at the same time, like it doesn't hurt to have. you know, manifestations and goals and dreams, right? So what are your dreams and what are some non-negotiables? And people list out 10 things. If there is at least five things that the other person absolutely cannot give you. Yeah, pretty clear, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I've seen couples that are about to get married never talked about having children like. Why'd you get married? Don't get married. Like talk about... Yeah, like family planning is important. And then she's like, oh no, I would never want to have a baby. I want to travel the world. Like, and I found Jason and this is a fake name. I found Jason and she loved and he loves traveling the world. He's been to Peru, he's been to New Zealand. Like he loves traveling the world. I love traveling the world. That's what we're going to do. Jason's like, wait, wait. Uh, well, I thought, you know, maybe five years from now, we'll try to have like a kid or two. And I'm like, Oh, I feel like that's like not, not an early on conversation, but I'm not going to get into a serious relationship, even wasting my time. If you know, those major things in life. And compatible. You would be surprised how many people don't have the courage to have that kind of conversation because they want to come on and eat and. You know, fun. Wow. Yeah, because it would come, like you can't not have those topics pop up in everyday life, you know what I mean? Especially if you're a couple about to get married. Imagine the amount of people who'd be saying to you, oh, when you guys have kids, oh, blah, blah. There'd probably be that many opportunities to have the conversation, but you're right. It's around that like courage piece and whether people actually wanna talk about it or not. Exactly, and big. like big three topics that people are ashamed to talk about or bring up or like really hard to bring up is of course number one is sex, number two is family planning, and number three is money. Right? Money is really hard to bring up. I have some girlfriends who are engaged and they never talk about how they're going to do the finances when they're married. Right? Like she makes more money than him but like you know when you guys try to buy a house like who's buying the house? whose name is it under, who's paying more or less mortgage. But she's like, oh, well, I just assume that he will because he's the man in the relationship. And I'm like, oh, OK, so there's gender roles and then there's individual expectations. So you think, well, he's the husband, so he should be buying the house, paying for the mortgage. Be the provider. Even though you make significantly more money than him, that's OK. You know, to me, it's like no shame in that. But have you told him that? Communication. Communicate. Have you ever talked about this? Like, oh no, like, I mean, I just assume like when we become husband and wife, like husband is the provider. Yeah. Well, it comes down to those expectations. Hey. Um, what three tips do you have for people to improve their communication? Okay. The first tip in improving communication is. Hold your judgment. So allow your partner to finish their piece. Don't interject and then finish their sentence. I see this a lot in couples that I see in my sessions where, you know, let's say one person was saying something and the other person would be like, well, but then you're gonna do this. Like, wait a minute, let them talk, let them finish their piece because maybe they are trying to explain. explain how it is that they're truly feeling. So number one, hold your judgment. To become a better sexual communicator is to practice being mindful and hold your judgment and listen, listen empathetically to your partner. I'd say number two is work on understanding what it is that you want sexually in order to communicate clearly. You can't communicate about sex and how to have better sex and what you want to explore unless you know that for yourself. So first, do some self-reflection and journaling. Like write down some of the things you want to explore, let's say this year. What are some of the sexual goals? And then you're gonna be able to communicate a lot easier because you know exactly what you want. And then number three, the third tip in initiating sex conversations is to ask a question. There's a communication rule called reciprocity rule. And when you ask your partner a question, they will most likely share their answer and ask you back. Then you'll be able to share your answers and your ideas and what you wanna do. So ask them questions. So these would be- Love that, I just wrote notes. And I wanna talk about communication specific to sex because we've talked about how, you know, that's important to have these conversations. What does that look like? Are you talking about sex at the dinner table, on your dates, in the bedroom? How do you start this off? And be careful what you say here, Dr. Tara, because Viv takes everything very literally and she will go on her first date on the dinner table and she will ask. Yeah. I support that. I have different tips for people at different stages in the relationship. So first, in early dating, what can you talk about and how should you talk about it? Okay, in early dating, what you can talk about is generally how important is sex to you in a long-term relationship? Let's say, let's rate from one to 10. Let's all rate it now from one to 10. How important is sex to you in a long-term relationship? Oh, we're playing. Okay, yeah, we're playing the game. Yeah, eight or nine. I got to choose one, don't I? I have kids, so I'm going with eight because I'm like the tiredness takes off that one point. I think that's valid. And even if your answer was two, that's valid as well. But point is you don't want to date anyone where there's this, where the discrepancy of this rating is more than five. For example, if you rate like, you know, sex is not that important to me, spiritual connection, emotional connection, kids, family is more important to me. So I would say like a two or three, but if you're dating someone who's like, oh, to me, like sex is like top one or two priority in a long-term relationship. So I'll say like a nine or 10. You should stop dating. That's great. You should stop. Yeah, because the discrepancy is more than five, therefore it's like not a compromise. I'm just, I'm just, Joe's laughing at me because I've just stored that question away and God help the next guy. I can tell, I can tell. VivTreats' dates is like a business meeting sometimes, I swear. So she'll literally go and like ask this and be like, not worth it. We're incompatible. I want you to definitely ask them and then DM me how it works. I will, I will. It's so important. I wish I was doing this before my previous marriage because we would have very different scores. Yeah. But I did, then I, you know, went through a really significant life changes and very difficult times. Um, so now to me, it's like almost like a, I tell that story as a cautionary you should talk to your partner about sex early on in dating. And there's no shame in that because at the end of the day, you don't want to waste all the time and heartbreak through just like shit that you could have prevented. Yeah. So that's an important question early on in dating. And honestly, this kind of question, like, Hey, you know, just curious from one to 10, how important is sex in a long term relationship really? Like for you, you know, of course, there's no right or wrong answer here. I think that question can be asked on like a second date. There's, there's no right or wrong answer here. They answer a three and Viv's like, bye. Oh, very good. All right. I'm leaving now. You may bye. Exactly. But then there's no right or wrong answer because then now they're going to find, they're going to be able to find a woman that matches. Exactly. Yeah. I love that. So true. Yeah. So that would be a question for early date. Now. If you've been dating for a while, let's say one year ish, like one year mark. Uh, hopefully you had asked that question already. If you haven't and you're listening, you ask that question now. Today. It has to be asked now. Text them, Hey, from one to 10. Hopefully you had asked that question and you know, your discrepancy is not more than five and you've been dating. Great. Now, let's say you hit one year or maybe like between one to two year mark. Another conversation to have regarding sex is how are we doing sexually? You know, from one to 10, how are we doing sexually? And what are some of the things that I can do to help increase that number? Love that. That is so well-worded. I ask this a lot. Uh, I do this like once. a month where like I asked, hey, how are we doing sexually? And we're we trust each other a lot. So if we are, if we haven't had great sex, we will say it. So there was a time where we were super busy and I wasn't home a lot. And he said six. I'm like, oh, shit, six. What happened? He's like, just it seems like you didn't have that much time for me. And like when we had sex this past two weeks, like it was a little rush. And I'm like, I really appreciate you told me that. It's so important that we have this kind of conversation and that I don't get offended by the fact that you said six. Cause I'm like, okay, what can you do and what can I do and what can we do to make that six at least an eight? And then he's like, well, you know, I want you to relax more at night. Like you are, you know, checking your emails. So I would say like turn off our phones at 7 p.m. is great. So I'm like, okay, you know what? fair. I agree with that. Let's do that. And then maybe we should schedule hotel sex and have like a freak night. I'm like, I'm down with that. Like maybe we'll do a Sunday, you know, we can work six days a week and then take Sunday off and do that. So collaboratively, we came up with a way to increase that six to eight. And that was kind of the only time where I was like, hmm. that number is alarmingly low for me. But other times, if he's like, eight, then I just go, you know, is there like a little cherry on top that I can do that make it a nine? And if you answer other that, it's gold, so gold. Because when I say eight and he's like, okay, what's the cherry on top? I'm like, go down on me more. And he's like, okay, like Roger that, I can do that. This is amazing. That is probably one of the best tips I've heard come through here. Like, but how... how just like great and caring and there's so many more words for it but just to simply ask that question and to care that you know it isn't only your version of your sex life that matters you know it's both of you and love it love everything about it. Oh I love that. Yeah like bring on a relationship for me so I can ask that question. Yes you definitely ask the first one first. Yeah. Date number two, Joe, date number two. That's the first one, and then ask the second one, and then now ask the third one. And I would say the third one can come right after the second one, a couple of months, or if you're listening and you've been with your partner like three years, five years, 10 years, I hope that you have the kind of trust and openness and connection to ask this third question. Ready? The third question is, what are some of the sexual things that you want to try in the future? Ooh, I like the addition of in the future in there. Yeah, so we don't need to do it right now, but here we have room to discuss what are some of our sexual dreams and goals. So what are some of the sexual things that... you'd like to try or explore in the future. Right? This is a conversation where you're inviting like, Ooh, like, I don't know. Maybe I want to try a sex party. Or maybe I want to try bondage. Or maybe I want to try peeing on you. I'm asking this date for not year four. This is a great question. That's what I was just thinking that too. I'm like, wouldn't you want to know that prior to year four? Yeah, I would say I mean I ask all these questions like they too Are listening that are like holy shit. I've been with my partner five years. I've never asked any of these questions What do I do just ask them now? Yeah, never too late. Never too late Yeah, but definitely these three questions can be asked literally anytime in the relationship. So If you're dating and you've been dating like one, two, three months, just ask these questions. I love it. Love that. Amazing. When you do- I've taken so many notes. This is great. I've got all the questions to ask now. Do you feel like we have missed anything Tara? Have we kind of covered off, even just scraped the surface of your study? Is there anything we haven't talked about that you think would be of value for the listeners? I'd say in summary, the findings of my study is that there are top three predictors of long-term sexual satisfaction. The first one is sexual mindfulness. The ability to be present during sex, the ability to feel the sensations in your body and stay focused and non-judgmental. So that's the first variable. The second predictor. of long-term sexual satisfaction is sexual confidence and self-esteem. So this is the part where you have to like build and continuously work on your self-esteem to exhibit yourself confidently. And then the third variable and the most important predictor of long-term sexual satisfaction is sexual communication. And we've been talking a lot about different ways to ask these questions, and that's really the important part of sexual communication. How informative, I feel like this has just been loaded with tips for us. I've got my questions stored away too, for whoever's lucky enough to go on the next dates with me. But thank you so much, Kara. Where can people find you? You've got a website, you've got Instagram, you've got a podcast. Share all of the above with us. Yes, so you can find everything on my website, and that's lovebites.co, L-U-V-B-I-T-E-S.CO. Amazing. Well, thank you so much for your time. Really appreciative of that. I've learned a lot. I've watched Joe's face this whole time. Also learning a lot and also laughing, which has been great. Yeah. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast. Thank you for having me. It was fun. Thank you. 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