Jo's Blind Date & Petty Breakup Stories

You're listening to the Girls Get Off Podcast, an R18 podcast on all things female pleasure. Think girl talk, but real girl talk, where we chat all things masty, self loving, sex, orgasms and more. Nothing is off limits, which means you get all the secrets even our guests BFFs don't know. We're on a mission to make talking about getting off as fun as actually doing it. Ready to join the Mastination? Let's get into it. 

Welcome back to the Girls Get Off podcast. Today we are going to be talking about petty break up stories, but before we do, we all want to know how was the date last Friday Jo? Yeah, I think I left a few people hanging in stories. Yeah, there are a lot of people invested in it, that's for sure. And so for context, like at the start of the day we decided to do a founder Q&A which ended in, well which midway through, I think Courtney put something up about, I don't know, people in Auckland that wanted to go on a date with you and then someone messaged and then it all ended up happening. Yeah. As we all know, I don't really date. So anyway, this guy, there's one guy that caught kind of caught our attention. Like we've got a couple of messages. Thank God, because that would have been fricking embarrassing. No one like wanted to go out. But yeah, anyway, one message kind of caught our attention. And yeah, we were like, oh, well, we're heading into. the Vida around six and like just let us know if you came to stop by later. Why did it why did that one catch your attention over the others? Um oh just like a little bit a little bit cheeky not creepy vibes. All great things, all great things. Yeah, definitely. And then kind of like after we messaged back to that one, it was just a little bit of good chat, you know? And good chat's good. Yeah. So anyway, Courtney and I had a nice dinner first. And then we went for some drinks and got a message that he was keen to join. So a couple of drinks turned into me minutes. And then that continued. I was double parked most of the night, I think. But what happened with it? Because someone asked me last night, they were like, Oh, you look like a dick. And I was like, No, that was the guy that came up to you guys while you were waiting. So clear that up for a second. That was not that was not the date. That was just while we were waiting. Yeah. Wow. That was intense. That was so full on. Anyway, we went outside. What happened for those who didn't watch the stories? Oh, OK, OK. So he literally came up to our table and was like something like, you girls are beautiful. Do you want to sit on my face? Just straight off the bat. Straight off the back. And I was like, and he's like, he's now I forget. But he's like, oh, that's. I was like, he's like, that's not a good line. And then he like went with something else and Courtney was like, that's my boss. And he's like, even better. Oh God. Anyway, anyway. Yeah. So we went out to a different table and we're sitting like kind of where we could see the door and a guy walked up that was by himself. And I was like, fuck. we've been catfished and so I've grabbed the bartender that was on a break, like at the table beside us, and I'm like, you've got to save us, like, and he gave us some fake names from a different country or something and we were just like, okay, set for, had this whole plan going within the space of about two minutes, which was really great. He was awesome. Was awesome at the start, turned out to be the biggest red flag I've ever met. No, not the biggest red flag I've ever met. I take that back just a red flag anyway, um Turns out wasn't the guy so That was good. So we were sitting there a little while then we saw the actual guy come in and we're like, oh my gosh That's him and he went to the bathroom first So then we sent the bartender guy to the bathroom to check him out and make sure like he wasn't dodgy or anything And no, and then like he was just he was like actually an all-around good guy I think. And yeah so for those that missed the stories I think they are saved to our highlights now. You can enjoy my drunkenness. Yeah, bit of advice, don't get fucked up when your date's gonna be sober. Lucky we had third wheel Courtney that was just like. I love it, I was looking for it, but then what happened? What was he like? Yeah, okay, so actually a really nice guy, and I think those of you that saw the stories will get to the end of them where Courtney's like. and they're just making out in the background. And so a bit of context around that, I was like, okay, because we weren't going to put this guy in our stories. So I was like, okay, Courtney, you walk way up ahead. I'm going to turn around and hide him and pass him like there's my line, everything we're against, I'm just like demanding a pass, like, it's like, no. But you were quite into him. You were quite into him. You look like, but you were quite into him from the date. Yeah, yeah, like, yeah, he was a nice guy, nice guy. Yeah, so anyway, I was like, you know, quite a few drinks deep too, so I'm just like. got all the confidence in the world to go in for that bash. Anyway, I've turned around when I said, I'll tell someone I'm just gonna bash him. And he's like, I'm not gonna kiss you. So I was like, we were face to face. I've just gone in with like all the confidence in the world. And he was like, I'm not gonna kiss you. Oh God, funny. And then what? Go him though, go him. And then you obviously did. Oh yeah, so anyway, well we didn't when we were standing there. That was just like us face to face and me like going. You don't want to kiss me? Oh my gosh. And I started to freak out and he's like, I want to kiss you, I just don't want to kiss you like now while you're drunk. And I'm not. So anyway, we kind of, I don't even know how we moved into the alleyway, but we moved into the alleyway. At which point, I don't know how, but we started kissing. And, um, anyway, that led to like, he was kind of clear that we weren't sleeping together that night. Anybody know what I mean? Drunk. Yeah, I don't have that much self control when I drink. So I was like literally latched onto this poor guy and he's trying to walk me to the hotel to drop me home. And he's like, it's not going to change the outcome for tonight. He literally had to unlatch me because I was just like so fucking horny. Oh, my gosh. Anyway, and I told you this is your own fault because you don't mess about enough. So you just, you know, it all builds up. Yeah, right. Because then he takes me there. Oh, no, didn't message the next day. Oh, the next morning we didn't we hadn't heard from him. And yeah. Did you message him in the end? Yeah, so in the morning, he replied to our story that was like, no word from him. Like. And he was like, girls, I've just been asleep. Like. Oh my God. As you probably should be at 7 a.m. I'm kinda waiting on it. Anyway, yeah, so then like not much chat on the Saturday. I added him on my personal Instagram hoping he would reply. Full disclosure, there were a few people behind that initial message because this is me. The initial message was that there was nothing special about it. Just Joe taking that step. Anyway, so yeah, didn't really hear from him much on the Saturday. I think I was like quite determined on Friday night to stay another night, stay around after the awards and meet up with him obviously just to fuck, I think. without Courtney the Third Wheel and also Instagram there beside you. Yeah, totally. Oh yeah, yeah. But I was so drunk on Friday night, it probably didn't make any of that very clear. Anyway, didn't hear from him on Saturday, which I'm not surprised about because nobody wants a girl hanging around Auckland just wanting a fuck really. Although guys probably do want a girl to do that. But I don't know. Anyway, we know I'm not going for like just a sleeping with someone thing that was just drunk Joe talk. So Joe was always gonna go home to the mountain on Saturday anyway, but then I got a morning text again on Sunday I know And we had a bit of a chat it was a And he's actually a really nice guy. I think we picked a good one Courtney And so what's the plan now you're gonna see me in surely now He's away for work for like five weeks or something. And so now I will start masturbating, I think, because I already did yesterday. I love it. That's alright. Five weeks. The final countdown. Come on. This is me we're talking. Five weeks is nothing. I love it. So out of ten, in terms of all the days that you've been on, what are you going to rate it out of ten? Ummm... Oh shit. Well does it count as a real date because it was so much easier having Courtney as a third wheel, you know? It definitely does. Does it? Yeah. Okay. Well, in terms of like the nice guy and stuff, right? Like, I think points get deducted because I was so drunk and like I literally had to ask him via message last night. I was like, Do you have a big family? He's like, we spoke about that on Friday. So yeah, maybe like a six or a seven because of me though, I was such a red flag. I don't know why he messaged. That is so fun. Yeah, he. Sounds like a great time all around, I reckon, and I feel like that was just also great content for the people watching, because the content that day really took a turn. It was, it was. From some casual Q and A's to Joe being on a date. That was very funny. It turns out he's actually friends with Morgan, our sex expert, and he kinda knows what he's doing. So, well, not that I know. but he sounds like... Excellent. Right Owen, so for the next part of this podcast, as I mentioned at the very beginning, we're gonna go over some petty breakup stories. Now we use the word petty because if we just say breakup stories, then we get like really awful ones. And you know, we still wanna keep it lighthearted, but I feel like there's been some stories out there that will be able to get a laugh out of them, you know? So Courtney's given us... a list of stories each and we haven't heard the other person's list. I just read over these this morning so I'm looking forward to these. So these have been submitted by people from Instagram I believe. I haven't even read these. You haven't even read them? I haven't even read them. So I'm going to go first. Okay you go. With the first one. Okay. My ex had not been paying tax the entire time we were dating so when we broke up I reported him to the IRD. we're talking like 50,000 of tax evasion. Oh my gosh. That would be quite a good way to, you know, I'm sure that would feel quite nice as, almost like the last laugh, but also at the same time like, oh my gosh, that's very terrible regardless of if they're your ex or not. Yeah, like, kind of, not somebody you wanna be dating, right? Nah, nah, ooh, that does not sound good. This one I've got here, left an X because he complained I was cutting the cheese from the block unevenly, only into him for his motorbike and cooler's dog anyway. So maybe not the best fit. That's so funny. Okay, when I broke up with a guy, he fried the gold, fuck off. I'm literally just reading this out. For the first time. When I broke up with a guy, he fried the goldfish I gave him for Valentine's Day. Such a dick. Fuck off. Stop. Fuck off. That is, like, that makes me want to cry. That's like when they find out, like, serial killers of, you know, maimed animals is when they were children or something. That is weird. That's fucking weird. That is so weird. This happened to me after a break up and it's still affecting me today. My ex, brackets son of a bitch, put an ad with my number in the exotic dancer slash adult entertainer slash escort slash prostitute classified section of the newspaper and now I get phone calls and messages from men looking for a good time. It's not as bad now but for a solid two years my phone went crazy and there's a little screenshot here of someone who's messaged her. Hello Anastasia, name's Travis, I was wondering if you're available on Thursday at 6pm for one hour please and she's like what's this for? He's like sorry I'm talking to Anastasia, she's like no. The funniest ones are when they find out it's not Anastasia but they still want to chat for free. Oh my gosh, that is so funny. That is so funny. I had some friends over in Noosa and she had a baby. Like this isn't even a breakup story, sorry. Off to work. But when his wife. gave birth he filled out the forms and put her occupation as an exotic dancer on the kids birth certificate. Oh my gosh. It is so funny. So funny hey. Yeah see I kind of like that sort of creative. Yeah that's creative. Yeah yeah that's good that's good. I found out he had been cheating on me pretty much a whole relationship. I found messages on my phone he was using while we were fixing his. After losing my shit I jumped back on Tinder after 3 and a half years and had the best summer I've ever had, lost count of the men I encountered and will never forget some of the experiences. Hashtag cucumbers have multiple uses ladies. Oh my god. Oh she really bounced back there, that's great energy from her. Bounce back with the cucumbers. My ex and I were together for five years when the break up happened. I was 18, he was 20. Shit they got together young. We went away for a uni trip overseas for two weeks and he cheated on me because he claims he couldn't go two weeks without sex but was really sorry. Thank god I have self respect and walked away from him. His parents kicked him out of home, because that's not how they raised him. He ended up a dad to the chick he cheated on me with, dropping out of his degree, and now four years on he works at a supermarket. I don't- Oh no. Yeah. Not that there's anything bad with people that work at the supermarket, to be fair. I don't like- At least I like people that have a job. That sounds like one decision that they made had a lot of repercussions. I know, right? Shit. Yeah, but good on you for the self-respect. Yeah. That's awesome. 10 out of 10. He had a dream that we broke up, so he broke up with me the next day through text. Live, laugh, love. Oh well, that's one way to do it. If I did everything that I dreamed about, that would be in a very different place. That is so funny. That is so funny. Oh my gosh. I'm thinking maybe it was more than just the one-off dream, you know? Yeah, that's funny. I've had the like, I've been annoyed with a partner after like, waking up dreaming about them with another girl or something, which I think is like a common thing, right? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Oh my gosh, it's funny. He wanted me to move in with him and his two kids. I said I would not, but he needed to sort. Oh, sorry. I said I would, but he needed to sort his house out first. What? He asked her. Okay. I was forever cleaning when I visited because his house is messy, dishes everywhere. And I knew I would end up being the housemate if I moved in. He said he would sort his house, but if he did. that then I needed to lose at least seven kgs. So I, quote, so I don't have a girlfriend that will die when she walks up a hill. Stop. Fuck off. Stop. I weighed less than him. I'm triggered. I weighed less than him. Safe to say I ended it there and then. Oh my gosh. I don't even know what to say to that. I think the thing that blows my mind about that is that some people go along with that, you know? My gosh, that is, A, that is just, that is a red flag. Thank God you didn't move in. And thank God you called that one off. I know. This was one of the red flags about the guy. that bartender guy we're talking about earlier from my date on Friday night, I didn't hear it because I'm definitely like this placid kind of person but then if somebody said something like that I'd happily put them in this place. But yeah Courtney was saying that he said something about oh and like because he was telling us about his bad dating stories and he said that one of his exes like said something about, oh she put on like seven kilos anyway or something like I was like, fuck! Honestly, how do these people not get slapped in the face? Yeah wow, wow. Thank God it's his ex then. Okay story time, are you sitting comfortably? I'm originally from the UK, met this guy traveling and as traveling relationships do when you're in each other's pockets 24 7 things moved quite quickly. I decided to move to Melbourne for a job, a proper job, I'm a nurse, instead of just doing backpacker jobs. He said he would like to come with and I said great. We then moved into an apartment with friends, as relationships do, we started to have our little problems, nothing major. I'd always planned to go home for Christmas and there was talk he would come with me and spend Christmas with his family and I would mind. We planned to meet up for New Year's and then I'd meet his family. When the time came around he said he didn't have enough money so I went alone for a month. During that time he became increasingly hard to get a hold of and I spent a fortune on phone bills. We'd already left the flat because the landlord was awful and we said we would look for a new place when I got back. A few days before I was due to fly back to Melbourne he had told me he had left Melbourne and wasn't coming back and he couldn't do it anymore and that was that. I returned to Melbourne all alone, checked myself into a hostel, did a lot of crying and drinking as you do, but came through the other side and it took a while. Knocked a lot of trust to be honest. To this day I still never found out why he left so abruptly and sneakily. Wow, that's one way to ghost. Well, he didn't go study, he told her, but... Wow, yeah. That was abrupt. Like, you shall never know. No, no. Hopefully you're okay with that though, hey? Because I feel like so many girls want closure in order to move on, so you don't need closure from that. My flatmate called me for advice after a psycho ex couriered a two-liter ice cream container full of his shit to her work address. Like, he took a dump. in this tip top container and then took the time to post. He was a public figure at the time. Stop. A race car driver. I took her to the cop station. Absolutely crazy. Oh my gosh, I want to hear more about that story. Surely there's more to that story than just that. I want to go for a drink with that girl, I think. Oh my gosh. Wow. Yeah, but first question, did you take the ice cream container to the cop station? Oh my gosh. Wow. Oh my God. And I wonder if you could have like smelt it or if you opened it or if... Ugh, that is so yuck. What? Wonder what the couriers are actually taking around. Oh my gosh. No, thank you. Oh this one's good. I had a crazy ex that faked having cancer to try and guilt me into staying with him so I called his mum pretending to be super worried. She called him out on his bullshit straight away and I've never had to deal with him again. Wow. There is so much going on there. Faked having cancer. Gosh. That's a very desperate person doing that. Can't even imagine but go mum. Calling him out. Yeah. Yeah, love that from her. Okay, I think this is my last one. My ex refused to give me my sex toys back. He kept the biggest one and sent me a photo of the rest in his bin. That's petty. Yeah, that's a pity break up story. Like I'll show her. My ex and I bought a house together earlier this year and then he realized he didn't want commitment. Been together 10 years. It's not you it's me story. Found out he was with another chick a week later. Oof 10 years that's a long time. Oh my gosh that's so bad. It's not a good that is not an ideal situation. Sounds like he needs to listen to some of our podcasts around communication because it probably cut a lot of drama out. Yeah and saved a lot of time. Wow, wow. Okay. Wow. Feeling good about being single, how about you? Yeah. Jeepers, these poor people. Gosh, and the thing is, like, we're only getting the small snippet of these stories, but I can only imagine the buildup to some of these situations, like poo in a box or whatever. But I think we said on stories that we would pick our favorite. What was your fave? Um... The poo in the box is pretty bad. The one I can't get over is the goldfish frying. Oh yeah you're right. Like... Oh yeah no. Oh yeah that's the winner. That... like... Who does that? Alright, whoever's seen in the Goldfish story, you're gonna get a Missy Minnie. There's a bit of a consolation prize. That poor goldfish. That is awful. Oh my gosh. Yeah. I can't get over that. Um... Wow, all right. Well, thank you for listening. Tune in again next week. Yeah, I can't, my mind's stuck on goldfish, so. We'll get that Missy Minnie out to you. And actually stay tuned, because we'll revisit your dating story in another five weeks maybe, when this guy's back from work. Oh my gosh, that's so funny. There may not be more of a story to tell, Viv. Who knows? God wait. I'll keep everyone posted. I'll be checking in. Ha ha ha. Nice, nice, yeah I'll let you know any juicy gossip. Cool, thanks guys, bye. Thanks so much for listening to another episode of the Girls Get Off podcast. You can find us on Instagram at girlsgetoff. You can join our Facebook group, Girls Get Off Uncensored. I think we've got more than 20,000 members in there at the moment. And if you'd like to leave us a rating or review, that always helps us get higher in the charts and every week we'll pick the most creative review to win a Missy Mini. Thanks for listening.