How to ask for what you want and Build a Better Relationship with Shaun Galanos

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Hello and welcome to another Girls Get Off podcast episode. Today we are joined by Sean Galanos. He's a love coach, host of the Love Drive podcast and an online course creator. He teaches intimacy and communication tools for better relationships and love. When he's not teaching courses on intimacy and communication or recording his podcast, he's continuing to learn about love, working on this relationship with his partner and building community in Montreal. Welcome to the podcast, Sean. I actually can't wait for this one. This is going to be a great chat. It's happening right now. I love it. And Sean, you've got quite a, you've got quite a good background. What led to your interest in this space and relationships and dating and so on? Oh, that's, yeah, that's an interesting question. I think I always struggled with relationships. I, you know, growing up, I couldn't figure out why everything was so complicated. and why we couldn't just say what we wanted. It really came about when I just had a really hard time being honest about what I was looking for in relationships. And earlier when I was younger, I think a lot of that was dominated by sex, right? I just wanted to have sex, but I didn't feel like I could actually say that without either being seen as, you know, the word fuck boy didn't exist back. when I was young. Can I swear? Yeah, you can swear. I just was like worried about what people would think of me. And, you know, come to find out there was also a lot of people I date women. There were a lot of women that also wanted to just have sex, but no one was saying what they wanted. We also had we all had to like sort of tiptoe around the issue. And that was sort of the thing that got me started. And the other the other thing is that I have this like. endless well of desire to talk about relationships and love and sexuality. So my friends were coming to me for these conversations, even though my relational life wasn't really in order. But I... But I figured it out over the long term. I got certified as a coach. I started doing podcasts. I started recording videos on this stuff. I have a background in communication. I got certified as a rape crisis counselor in California. So I've done a lot of stuff. And then I've also improved my relationships. And I think one of the things that I do well, or that people tell me I do well, is that I boil down these things that are maybe a little bit more nebulous or complex into very basic. you know, concepts or ways of thinking about these complex concepts. I like what you're saying around, um, you know, that simplicity, that kind of communication. I think on your website, you talk a lot about communication and particularly on your Instagram, the way that you answer people's questions always makes me laugh. Um, but talk us through why, why that communication can be so difficult sometimes. I think it's, you know, I think two things that keep coming up is the fear that if we say the thing, they will not respond positively, they will reject me, they will leave me, they will judge me for being whatever it is that I'm communicating about, right, too needy. And so I think that's the biggest piece is this fear, right? And ultimately, I think that boils down to sort of this fear of inadequacy, that I am not good enough, that I am not worthy enough. And so if I share this thing, if I show you the inside, you will say, ew. And so I would rather not show you that and sort of cross my fingers and hope that I will eventually get what I want. Right, so that's number one, fear piece. Number two is literal language, right? Not having role models show us what does it look like to ask for more commitment, more space, more touch, more exclusivity, right? What does that actually look like? And there is this... obsession with not wanting to look too needy or not wanting to pressure anybody or how do I say this thing without them getting upset, right? So we're really worried about the other person's experience. And that's because we lack the actual lived experience of just asking for stuff in a very basic simple way. Do you think that some of that's brought on by past bad experiences with relationships because I don't know. I feel like a lot of people kind of naturally want to say what they want and probably would do it. But I feel like a lot of it would be scared. Like if a past partner has kind of told you that, oh my gosh, you're such a pen in the ass, it's so needy or you know, whatever, right? Like that kind of makes it so much worse. 100%. 100% the experiences that we have had when we have tried to speak up have not been received well, right? Our requests were not received well. I think the other piece is growing up, right? How did your parents deal with conflict? How did you see your mother asking for what she needed from your father for looking at like traditional heterosexual relationships? You know, we just don't have a lot of super positive experiences in the bank of asking for stuff and being met with a lot of respect and tenderness, even if the request is denied. If I say, hey, you know what, I'd love to see you. Currently, we're seeing each other twice a week. I'd love to see you like one more time a week. And so instead of saying like, oh my gosh, you're so clingy. I'm so, God, it's like never enough for you. That's like one way. The other way would be like, I totally hear you. I love spending time with you. I hear that you want to spend more time with me and that feels great. And I understand where that's coming from. And at the same time, I just can't commit to that right now. I'm busy with my work. I love the amount of time that we spend together. And if that changes or when that changes, I'd love to let you know. And please feel free to check back in with me in like a few months if that works for you, right? Who hears that? I was gonna say that is outstanding. Nobody. Like you go, great, that's amazing. No, don't lie. Oh my gosh. If you date me, you'll hear that. I mean, I'm not saying that I will automatically say no to any requests of spending more time with me, but. I will try to be more considerate about your experience, like where you're coming from, where that request is coming from, right? It's like a desire to connect. And so that's sweet. That's actually sweet. That's actually really nice. I feel like a lot of girls would take that as in, oh, they're not into me, and just kind of have a bad attitude around the honesty rather than just thinking, gosh, that's really healthy. Yeah, I mean, any form of rejection just hurts. And I really believe that we collectively as a species need to be a lot more resilient around rejection. And that said, there are ways of saying no to someone that are way more tender and kind and loving where it does make the rejection sting a lot less. Well, it almost just gives them a reason, right? And then you go, okay, I can understand where you're coming from. And then you get to figure out whether that works for you or not. Totally. Hey, you know what? I really want to be a three X a week kind of gal. And if you're not a three way, three X a week kind of guy right now, I'm a three way kind of gal and that works for three cents too, right? If the thing is, if you let people know what you're about and what you're available for, then they can make an informed decision about how to move forward. I love it. And so what if you're the person who's wanting to, you're the one wanting to say, I wanna see you three times a week instead of two. What's the best way, what's some tips and tricks for how to bring that up or feel confident in saying that? I mean, confidence, I wish we just had more of it. And unfortunately, it's sort of earned, right? Confidence is earned. Although if you're like, if you believe in astrology and you're like a Leo, they have like just inherent confidence. So some people are just gonna be more confident, right? They're gonna have maybe higher self-esteem, more self-worth. Maybe the message they got growing up was, you're a good person, you're a loving person. You are not perfect, but you're good and you're doing good and you're worthy of love, right? So if that was the message you received growing up, it's not gonna be hard for you to ask for, to see your partner more, to see them three X a week. But if you didn't get that message, it's gonna be really hard for you to feel confident. And so what I would say to those that are lacking the confidence, it's like, you know, don't worry about being confident. Worry more about having the courage to be able to walk through your fear and ask for the thing that you want. And I get messages, comments from people on a daily basis saying, I was terrified of asking for him to be my boyfriend. Right? I was terrified. But I wouldn't even go there. That's what why not? Oh, hell no. I like Sean's attitude. I love it. Yeah, yeah, I really, really like your attitude. But yeah, that's and I don't have. Hey, maybe I'm just unrealistic here. Maybe I'm preaching something that's just never gonna work. Oh, no, this is probably me issues. But that's That's a personal, do we want to unpack that? What's going on? Yeah. See, I have little confidence, but I have more self-worth than anybody you'll ever meet, I think. And even then, yeah, no, never having that conversation. Okay, so how does it, what does it look like for you? You just wait? Oh, I just don't wait. Oh, got it. Even if, that's too scary for me. All right, well, anyone listening, you don't have to be like Joe, you can ask her, you can go on dates. The thing about, here's the thing about fear, right? So I'm guessing that you have some sort of fear here, underlying fear that's preventing you from engaging in these sorts of relationships. But the thing with fear is that once you're able to move past it, right, with courage, not so much confidence, you, what you get on the backside is data, right? A lived experience that you did not die. You literally did not die. you're gonna die. But you know, because it's like fear is this whole like primordial, you know, caveman thing that's trying to prevent you from getting killed by a giant tarantula, or like a saber tooth tiger. But nowadays, you know, it's 2022. That's not really a rational fear. It's very irrational. So what happens when you move past with courage, right and courage is doing the thing scared, not doing the thing. in absence of fear, but doing it with fear, you get data, you get evidence that you didn't die and that you're going to be okay. The more you do that, the more confident you will be that you're going to be okay making these scary requests of, do you want to be my boyfriend? You want to go on a date with me? Do you want to have a kid together? Do you want to move in together? All that kind of, yes, there are more, Jo's looking at me like her eyes got all big. There are more, even scarier questions than, do you want to be my boyfriend? I love it. That's great. Well, let's talk about dating then, because you mentioned dating. I feel like, you know, I don't actually, I didn't even write any questions down for dating, but I just want to get into it, because I feel like we're at the age where everyone's kind of dating, there's like good and bad experiences. How can you make sure you're going into dates and putting your best foot forward? This is information both of us need to know ourselves. This is like worded like a Cosmo article or something. 12 things to put your best record. Exactly. We need tips and tricks here, Sean. Yeah. Tips and tricks. So dating is, let's just say dating is hard. It's really, really hard. I think it's gotten even harder now with the proliferation of online dating and app-based dating. There's a lot of things that make it more challenging than it really needs to be. One of them is this choice paralysis, right? There seems to be like a seemingly endless, just Rolo decks of potential mates. And what it does is it sort of cheapens the whole dating experience because people become sort of like commodities, right? There's just so many options out there depending. I mean, if you live in a small town, then there are not that many options. But if you live in a metro area, there's a lot of people out there. And so it sort of devalues people, right? You sort of forget that there's actually another person on the end of these applications or on the end of these dating sites. So one thing is, you know, try to resist the urge to just be like window shopping constantly. I think there's this, you know, idea that the more people you see and you swipe on and you go on dates with, the higher your likelihood of finding your perfect match. And the idea of a perfect match is a bit laughable because we're all so just fallible. We're humans, we're not perfect. And so I think lowering your expectations that you're gonna meet the love of your life on these apps, or even in dating is a good thing, right? So lower your expectations is number one. Number two is, if you're dating to make yourself feel better because you are sad, and lonely and in an existential crisis around the inherent loneliness of being a human, going out to find someone to relieve you of that loneliness is not a great attitude, right? A better attitude is more like I'm actually genuinely excited about meeting a new person. And that's all it is. You're literally going out. Okay, here's the hack. Here's the full-time hack for the rest of your life, by the way, are you ready? Give it to me. I'm writing it down, I'm gonna take notes. Yeah, write it down or re-listen. The goal of dating. Here it is. Actually, this is the goal of partnership. It's actually the goal of everything in life. is to see if you like them enough to see them again. Oh, I like that. That's the whole thing. Yeah, you don't have to fall in love with them straight away. You don't have to fall in love with them. You don't have to make sure that all their values line up with yours. You don't have to make sure that you're going to live in the same country seven years from now. Do I like them enough to see them again? It's really easy to project into the future. It's really easy to say like, Okay, well, you know, this gal, her, her job is like, you know, not that great. I guess she's not career focused. I don't see that really meshing with my career. Okay. And then you just dispose of them because you've projected yourself so far into the future. And you don't actually really know anything about this person. Like, I forget who said that it takes two years to get to know someone, right? So I'm not saying every time you go on a day, you have to see them for two years. But do I like them enough to see them again? That's the only criteria. Right. And sometimes it's no. And then you can go next. And if it's yes, are you curious enough to like continue to get to know them? So a lot of these tips that I have are like sort of attitude based and less like, wear this, make it a short one on the first day, which also you should make it a short one on the first day. Yeah, I've just discovered that actually myself. You snapchat. I know. I've been going on. I've now moved to Sydney Sean, which is way bigger than where Joe is. actually it's bigger than New Zealand as a whole. And so there's plenty of options, just like you say. And I've been on a few hinge dates and after the last one, I was like, lovely guy, not my thing, but I need to make these coffee dates because the dinners or the drinks, it just goes for too long. And I feel like sometimes it can be like a job interview where you go, not my vibe, not on the same wavelength. Yeah, you know, I mean, that's the thing about online dating. I do have some more like less esoteric tips. One of them is, is try not to spend like weeks chatting with someone before you meet them. Oh, this is this is one of the major reasons I don't even date because the only way I've got a couple of kids as well. And the only way to meet someone right is basically online dating. It's either that or when we are out doing something, we usually drink too much. He's going to shut you down. I was going to say with that attitude, it is the only way to make people. Okay. Yeah, see my, oh, I don't know what the heck is my issue. But it's scary to message someone, right? I feel like there's so much pressure on that message, so much so that if there's a potential or something, for me, I get the whole office to create that first text. It's never just me being me. Sean is shaking his head for those listening. I so I've been there before. Look, I've got an extensive history online dating. I was like, okay, Cupid version one back in the day. So for on and off for 15 years. And yeah, there can be a lot of pressure to be super witty in that first message. And that is self applied pressure. No one's pressuring you to be witty. The thing is, like, if you just say something really anything that's remotely connected to the profile. And what you're doing is you're opening the door, right? And they choose whether they open the door completely or they slam it in your face. And the problem is that you've identified people that you think have potential. And so now there's all this pressure that you've created on yourself to be witty, to make sure that they like your message and you subsequently enough to go on a date with you. Love how honest you are. Not the game, that's not the game. Yeah, well, I just don't. do online dating because of this. We've already established that you don't date. No online or in person. Well, and I really like this as well, because another thing that I Snapchat of Jo was that I don't do DMs as well, because that just takes too much time. And if it's not gonna work out or nothing's gonna eventually, why would you spend all this time DMing someone until you've met them, and then maybe you can message them afterwards? But like, otherwise, I know that I don't put my best foot forward, you know, I'm better in person, you know, I don't even talk to my friends for fun, you know, like I just text them if I want something, I don't like catch up with them. So that's not my strength. So give me the tip for when you match someone on a dating app, and then you just want to say, I'm not going to DM you, let's just go for a coffee. Like how do you say that in a nicer way? Yeah, well, first of all, we have to remember that, you know, you have to feel safe enough to go on a date with this person. Right. And so people have a lot of different risk tolerances. Right. So obviously Viv is just like, whatever, let's meet up. I don't care. The dark alley. It just we're going to make this quick. A lot of people are going to need some back and forth before they feel safe enough. So just number one, do whatever you need to do to feel safe. Right. So I'm not advocating no chatting. There probably has to be a little bit of it, but there's this thing that people do. is where they get stuck in a pen pal situation. And no one's asking either people out for dates. Here's the reality, it's a dating app. It's there for dating to meet people to go on dates with. So some people are like, hey, I feel really awkward. Like, how do I ask them on a date? It's like, well, it's a dating app. That's what you're literally there to do. And so just remember that. That's its primary purpose. And so once you have established that you would like to see this person say, Hey, I'd love to grab a drink with you. And if they say, yeah, say, cool, it's next Thursday. PS, I don't really love the back and forth chatting. Let's just connect the day of the date. And I really look forward to meeting you in person. That's the one, that's it, I love it, there you go. Yeah, perfect. What a words man. Yeah, no offense, it's not personal. I just don't wanna be back and forth for 10 days. Yeah, it's not a good use of anyone's time. You know, like, oh, hey, good morning. How was your day? Hello, you're a stranger. I don't need to tell you how my day was. Oh, yeah. Don't say that. That's the internal dialogue. Yeah. No, I actually found it creepy when a guy that you just kind of chatted to once or messaged once said, like, Good morning the next day. Like, have a good day. I'm like, Joe. I did it every day. No. Red flag. Red flag. Good morning. Here's the thing about people who do that, is that they think that they have to do that. I know. No one ever told them, they're like, hey, you don't actually need to do that. You could just say like, hey, I really look forward to seeing you on Thursday. Let's catch up, you know, like, if anything changes, let me know. That's it, that's all you really need to say. But some people feel like they need to keep the spark alive. I get this question a lot in like early dating scenarios. Like, how do I keep the spark alive in between dates? And the answer is like, you don't. You don't have to at all. You let that spark just die, become a little gray ash. And then when you see each other again, if there's something there, it will reignite on its own. You don't have to do the work of like keeping the flame alive of an early dating relationship. Love it. I love it. And so yesterday, our columnist, Lily, she wrote this column about, you know, what the heck is a situation ship? And she talked about her... own current experience of sleeping with a guy for six months, you know, friends already told her stop sleeping with him, you know, she obviously hasn't listened. And then she's going actually, you know, like what's happening here? Have I got like some underlying feelings that I'm not addressing? You know, why hasn't he asked me to be my girlfriend? Is there something going on here? What do you do? What are your thoughts on this? I mean, she's she had quite a positive opinion. She's like, you know, if it works out, it works out. And if it's not, it's great for the plot. But I know that a lot of people find themselves. in these situations, I think it's something everyone can relate to. And I mean, I think it does come back to communication, doesn't it? I've sort of spoiled the surprise. Yeah, spoiler alert. Failure to communicate your needs and desires, number one. What is it that I want out of this relationship? And a situationship is just a relationship that lacks clarity. And a lot of our relationships lack clarity when we don't... show the courage and to say what we want, right? And so I don't know what your columnist desire is in this relationship. Is she looking for more? Does she want something more committed? Well, I think that, you know, I was having a chat with a friend the other day who's in a similar situation. And it seems like I don't think often we're honest enough with ourselves around what actually, I don't think sometimes we actually take a moment to decide what we actually want in the first place, because maybe we're... stressed out about, you know, like you say, the fear of what might happen, you know, if it doesn't work out. People are so worried about being lonely too, hey? Well there is a loneliness epidemic, you know, people do feel very, very lonely. But there's a difference between being lonely and being alone. I think, I mean, my therapist and I talked about this idea of You know, when you're alone, what do you do? Are you always pining for someone to come and fill the space or do you take time to get to know yourself? And you like try to learn to enjoy being alone and sort of building a big life that is, that can stand on its own. And that is much more interesting to anybody else, you know, any onlookers saying like, look at this person, got a big life, they're not in a partnership, but they've got, you know, a career they're happy with, they're volunteering, they're... doing exercise or taking care of their mental health, their friend networks are good. That's way more appealing to a potential mate than someone who's- Oh, I'm appealing. You're appealing, yeah. We might just have to tackle the fear of intimacy part and then it might be perfect. So here's the other thing. The other thing with situation shifts is that oftentimes you find yourself in this sort of relationship of sorts that is meeting some of your needs, right? So you are having some of the cake that you wanna, hopefully you'd like to have the whole cake, but you're only having some of the cake. And the problem is that if you ask for the whole cake, that the cake might go away completely. They will take the cake away and you will have no cake. Sometimes it's better to have some cake than no cake at all. And that's why you don't ask, because you don't want all of the cake to go away. So in my experience, sometimes a situationship is all you have space for. This kind of goes back to Viv saying that you haven't asked yourself what you want. Sometimes, you know what? You're not emotionally available, or you're just getting out of a relationship, or you're or you had a really traumatic divorce and you're just not ready for anything more committed than that. And so you stay in something that like, you know, it's sort of meeting enough of the needs where you don't actually need any more than that. So a good point is figuring out what it is that you're looking for. And if you do want more, know that you can ask for more. And here's the thing. You know, you don't ask, you don't get, but the whole point of everything that I'm trying to teach is that there is a good chance that when you do ask, you do get. That's the whole goal. Like I really want you to have everything that you want as long as it's like, you know, realistic. You can expect to get your needs met. And you can also hear, I mean, the other, the flip side of that is the more you ask, the like, the more people will say no. So it's a bit of a double-edged sword and I can't really tell you what's gonna happen in your particular situation, but there comes a time when it's, you are ready for the next phase of your development, which is to ask for more of what you want. I like that. Yeah, and if you say no, then you get the data that you're not gonna die, so happy days, you know? It's all just an experiment. And if they say no, they could say like, actually no, I'm not available for that, but what we have currently works for me. And if you're willing to explore that, continue to explore that. I'd be happy to be here for that. And you can say, you know what? That also works for me for now. And if that changes, I'll let you know. Or maybe, yeah, that works, but I'm gonna be exploring other options at the same time. Right, so there's a negotiation that can happen when you have more clarity around the nature of the relationship. Oh, I like it. Nice. Okay, now you said that you are kind of the person that all your friends and stuff came to, you know. for relationship advice and stuff like that. In some way, I'm kind of that person too. I feel like the only reason why I know stuff is because I've been through the shit, so I can see like the shit. So it might not be like the best advice. I might not be. It's real. Yeah, it's real advice. But anyway, what so many people have issues with, and the one thing I don't know, cause I have this just ability to let go of stuff like, if it's not serving me well in life, bye bye. And it doesn't come back into my head. So many people aren't like that. And I saw your recent post on your Instagram about building trust after a bad relationship or after how to rebuild that trust again, so you don't bring it into the new relationship. It happens so much, right? It's this is a tough one. You know, if you are the recipient or the victim of betrayal, like someone cheating on you or someone lying to you or any form of abuse, it becomes really, really hard to trust again. Absolutely. Because something happens in your brain or in your soul where you feel like you can't trust yourself anymore. Because ultimately, you made that decision to be with a person who betrayed you. Right? So you sort of have to detach yourself from this idea that you have a bad picker. and you know, person picker. And you do sort of have to also believe that you can do better. I sort of think that every relationship, every next relationship should be as good as or better than the last one. Right? Ultimately, you're learning things about yourself, about your partner, about what you want, about what you need. And so we have to remember that the we're kind of trending up and to the right, you know? our relationships ideally should be going better, not worse. So you have to remember that. Number two, I think that, you know, if this is a pattern of yours, where you are constantly in relationships where you're being betrayed, then you probably need to talk to a therapist about this, because there's a pattern here and there's probably some sort of trauma and I'm not a trauma specialist. And I'm a huge pro therapy. I've been in therapy for... you know, let's say seven out of the last 15 years. Yeah. And I think it's just hugely- Pro therapy too. Yeah, yeah. Are you writing that down? Therapy. I love therapy, don't worry. I love it. So the third thing, this sort of applies to people who trust very quickly. The reason why I tell people to slow down early in relationships is because you don't know who you're opening up to, right? And in one of my courses, all about emotional availability, I sort of... outline the steps that you can take to slowly open up to someone to see if they're trustworthy enough. And the problem is when you open up all the way and you don't know who you're opening up to and you often do open up to get hurt, right? So in the beginning, slow down. And that means spending less time with them. But that also means don't open up your heart and all of your vulnerabilities and your intimacies right away. Do it slowly over time, right? Do one small disclosure. and then see how do they respond. I had a really bad day at the office, I made some mistake, it was really embarrassing. Do they respond by saying like, oh, I bet it wasn't that big of a deal, which is sort of minimizing, or do they make fun of you? Do they make light of the situation? Do they change the subject right away? Because any form of intimacy is uncomfortable. So this is... know, it's a sign of the kind of person that you're dealing with. And it might be a sign that you probably shouldn't open up to them. Or do they say like, Wow, that sounds really hard. Like, how can I help? Or tell me more about that? Or, you know, is there anything I can do to support you? Those are the kinds of reactions that we want from people as we open up. I need to find one of them today. Yeah, they do exist. They do exist. I think. Okay. Yeah, this is good. Promise back on the dating apps. Back in the day, therapy. Not there, not there. Grocery stores. Just get out more and limit my drinking, I think, when I am out. Let me be drinking. Yeah, get out more. Do group activities, do meetups, do things where you can meet new people on a regular basis. Tell your friends that you're ready to get set up. Put it out there in the universe that you're open and you're willing. I know. Scary. Lots of eye movements from Joe. That's so funny. Um, and basically on that last question that we're just talking about, if you're already, um, far down the relationship and still having trust issues, it's probably best just to go to therapy. Hey, I mean, therapy can't hurt. They can't, I mean, I, I probably shouldn't say this, but I really want to make a movie. about a therapist and a client where the therapist is actually really bad and slowly sort of like plants a bunch of bad ideas and thought like it's a horror movie. So but I think that's like that's not common. So I think for the most part, therapists are there to help you work through your issues. So I don't think it Yeah, I don't think it can hurt you can turn me off therapists now. That's just a movie idea that I keep thinking about this, like the insidious therapist. I think it's a funny horror movie. Hilarious. I love it. And one thing that we haven't touched on, which is obviously huge and I think, you know, no one's exempt from this, which is breakups. And I think, I know it's something that you get asked all the time. You said people always ask you, how do I deal with a breakup? You know, heartbreak, things not going away. Yeah. How do I move on from? and then blank all sorts of different situations that are related to breakups. Like, how do I move on from, you know, the guy that ghosted me or the woman who cheated on me? It's always, you know, it's... It's been three days. I'm over it. Make it stop. Yeah. OK, so first of all, it's going to take more than three days, even if you barely know them. Right. Like rejection just hurts. Pizza. Yeah, pizza, ice cream. Movies, masturbation, meditation, friends, meeting with friends, lots of M's. Yeah, a lot of self-care, right? If you can go no contact, I like no contact. I really think that it's helpful. It's a little bit of out of sight, out of mind. The reality is that your memories will pop up enough without you needing extra reminders, right? Your brain is just going to continuously... you know, oh, the pizza restaurant we used to go to, oh, the movie that we saw together, oh, this. So much easier to slip back into that cycle too. Yeah, exactly. If you're talking to them or if you're seeing them on social media, if you're seeing their friends on social media, it's just more information that you don't really need. And the thing that I like about No Contact is that it forces you to build a new support network, right? Because usually that person is the main pillar of your support network. So when that pillar is gone, you're like floundering. You need a new safety net. And I'm sort of the thought that, that which hurts you cannot heal you. Right? So the person- This is true. I like that. I mean, think about it, right? Like, I don't know, you know, if you get burned, they're not gonna use fire in the surgery, right? Like, so I think it still holds up. So some space from that person. And that also helps you not compare your healing process to their healing process, right? If you see them on social media dating again, that's like the worst thing, right? You're like, how come they're already over it? I'm a loser. I'm obviously way too attached. I'm way too emotional about this. They're already over it. And we don't know how they're processing the breakup or if they're even processing it. Right? Men for some reason seem to bounce back pretty quickly. And I think it's because they're not actually giving room for the heartbreak to do its thing. They're looking for a distraction in another person. Right? So I think there are healthy and unhealthy distractions. I think ice cream and movies, fine. I think, uh, in the arms of another unsuspecting human, probably not as fine. It's a spectrum, you know? Those are my tips. I love it. Excellent. I feel like we need you as a mentor, Sean. Check in weekly. That's what we're doing. It's actually an unpacking episode. I love it. Well, thank you so much, Sean, for coming on. And before we let you go, it's been a pleasure having you on, and I know that you offer lots of value over on your Instagram and also on your website. Do you want to let people know where they can find you? Yeah, Instagram, the Love Drive, my podcast, the Love Drive, if you just Google the Love Drive. What I'm most excited about is a... program that starts on June 7th called the Love Collective, which is, I know, short for The Collective, which sounds like a cult, but it's not a cult. Basically, I just get so many questions, right? And I just can't answer them. When I do a Q&A box on Instagram, it ends up being like thousands of questions in an hour. And so I pick like 12, and I feel bad about that, but that's just where we're at right now. And so I wanted to start a group. for folks that want to do more Q&A, who want to spend more time with me and who want to learn 12 themes that I've sort of identified as like core themes around love, relationships, dating, and sexuality. So the Love Collective is basically a 12-week program with me where we meet for an hour, 12 times, and we go over these themes and we do group discussion, a little learning session, and then some Q&A around these themes. So I'm excited about it. It's a new format. I but this time I wanted to do more of a group coaching thing. And you can learn about that at live Starts June 7th. Incredible. Nice. It's so exciting, well done. Rotting that one down? Yeah, you're welcome to join. Oh, and there's two times, and one of them does work for folks in Australia and New Zealand. Ah. Because usually I think you folks sort of just get screwed out of US-based courses that are, end up being like three in the morning. Yeah. The old 2 a.m. webinar or whatever, you know, like contention. Yeah, that's right. Like no replays. Yeah. No, this is a 9 a.m. webinar with replays, unlimited replays, all the replays you want. That's awesome. Well, thanks again so much, Sean. It's been a pleasure chatting with you and have an awesome rest of your day. It was an honor. Thank you so much to you both. Thanks, Sean. See you. Thanks so much for listening to another episode of the Girls Get Off podcast. You can find us on Instagram at Girls Get Off. You can join our Facebook group, Girls Get Off Uncensored. I think we've got more than 20,000 members in there at the moment. And if you'd like to leave us a rating or review, that always helps us get higher in the charts and every week we'll pick the most creative review to win a Missy Mini. Thanks for listening.