Podcast Transcript
You're listening to the Girls Get Off podcast, an R18 podcast in all things female pleasure. Think girl talk, but real girl talk, where we chat all things masty, self loving, sex, orgasms and more. Nothing is off limits, which means you get all the secrets, even our guests BFFs don't know. We're on a mission to make talking about getting off as fun as actually doing it. Ready to join the Mastination? Let's get into it.
Welcome back to the Girls Get Off podcast. Today we are talking all you're getting off bales. We've had a few submissions in from some of our followers on Instagram. And today we've even got Courtney with us, our marketing assistant from the GGO team. Hello. Hey Courtney. So what's happened again? Like when we did the Vibrator Theft episode, Courtney's compiled 12 fails there and sent them through to us. So we'll be reading them on here for the first time. Perfect. Yeah, all right. So, hey Courtney, glad you're joining us today. Hello, thank you for having me. And all right, I'll kick off then. A few years ago, I had to take my flatmate to ED because he fell on a jar of Marmite and got it stuck. Oh my gosh. Um, why would you be trying to use Marmite up there? I know that, um, that's a pretty flat thick lid to be fair. Yeah. Oh my God. How much do you grab on to? Sure. No, it sounds like this housemate needs some education around always having a flared base or like a retrieval method. If you're going anywhere near your anus. Yes. I know. Or I would even say like maybe a pointier easier. Chop as well. I know. Yeah. It's not the first thing I'd grab for, you know? No. Out of pantry staples. No. At least it's not a glass container. At least it's plastic. You'd think a bottle of sauce or something might be a better shape, to be fair. It's smaller at the top. What happened to the humble carrot that people would normally choose first? Although I'm not condoning that at all. Also, no flared base and no retrieval method. No. Do you know, I actually had a friend who, it was so funny, we were out in town and she, someone came up and hugged her and she actually fell onto a table with like glass on the table. Like there'd been a broken glass there. Anyway, so she falls onto this. broken glass and like cuts her like by her anus and she like falls out to the ambulance out the front of the bar and this she's such a good friend of mine and she's so loud and assertive and there was someone already in this ambulance and she's like get the fuck out of this ambulance and they're like what are you doing they're like this is just drunk bitches trying to get in the ambulance she's like I have ripped myself from my a-hole to my vagina, get out of the ambulance and like showed them and they're like oh my gosh get in the ambulance. Oh my gosh she had to call her boyfriend to come pick her up from ED. She was like snapchatting me pictures so she was lying down and she was obviously on her tummy and was snapchatting me pictures of the doctor behind her putting stitches in her bum. Oh my god. So anyway people do fall on stuff and I just remember that story with you saying that that's so good. Alright, I've got one here. It says OMG years ago and X snapped his frenulum during sex he soaked through a towel and nearly passed out. I feel like this is something that's not happened to me personally but I know of multiple people who have been in this situation and it does not sound pretty. No, I remember the first time I actually heard about it. I was like, oh my gosh, but it's so common. Yeah, we get it. Yeah, confessions probably weekly. Yeah. It isn't something I'd like to be around when it happened to be fair. No. Jesus. All right. My Marina got moved during a steamy sesh and my boyfriend's foreskin ripped. It looked like a murder scene. We both had to get stitches and I obviously had to get a new Marina. Oh my gosh. I'm kind of speechless on this one. Not ideal. Yeah, that is that's a horror scene. It's just I feel like there are so many people with marinas in right now that we've just kind of freaked out maybe but yeah I don't think I don't think this is a common thing. No. Yeah. No, thanks. That does not sound good to me No Wow, ouch. I was at my sneaky links place and mid riding him my vagina wouldn't let go of his penis I was having a muscle spasm, so we called the ambulance and thankfully never made it to ED as the spasm stopped. Most embarrassing and traumatic day of my life. Oh my gosh. I just want to know how long they were trying to detach from each other for, you know? I know. You would think that it would have to be a long time to call the ambulance. Yeah, to see Cal. Because I, yeah. I would be... try in everything I could before I called that ambulance. No joke. It isn't like you're in a dangerous situation. So okay, just like hang out for a bit, make a cup of tea while you're stuck together. How would they get to the kiddo? Try having a shower. I don't know. You could kind of like shuffle, like go have a shower or something. One could carry the other perhaps. Oh my God. I'd be Googling like breathing techniques. Yeah. I know. I know. Do you think it would hurt or do you think he'd be laughing? I hope it didn't hurt. I wonder actually how tight that muscle was spasming because he could have been like... Getting turned off. Yeah. Not getting turned on but like... Getting turned off. Yeah, like it could have been really painful. Like a mousetrap. Yeah. Like circulation cut off kind of... Yeah. I'm thinking. Oh my gosh. Maybe that's why they freaked out so much. Yeah. Because imagine if you're like, it's cutting the circulation off. Yeah. Oh my gosh. I didn't think about that. Well, and you know, if it was a turnoff, surely he would get smaller, but maybe it'd like cut that, cut that off. Yeah. Gosh. Wow. And then the ambulance officers having to keep a straight face, man, they must see some stuff, we think that it would be difficult where they probably see this stuff all the time, but they've probably seen people with Marmite jars as well, you know. I know and like how many people with like a Marmite jar stuck up their ass or something would go into ED and be like, I know, I've got this good story. Like I'm going to say that I fell on it as if they'd never heard that before. Like, it's probably like the go-to, hey, oh, I slipped and I fell on this bottle of shampoo. As if vegetables like stand upright. Oh my gosh. Okay. All right. I learned the hard way that licking flamin' hot Cheetos dust from your fingers does not clean them. Two hours in a bottle of wine later, my vagina was on fire and I'm pretty sure my vulva shatters to this day if flamin' hot Cheetos are present. And in this one, I just don't understand whether she had the bottle of wine because like before she ate the Cheetos or as a result of touching the cell. after eating the Cheetos, do you know what I mean? Is she just being like, I give up. Yeah, yeah, numb the pain. This will work. I've been, yeah, don't recall the ambulance. I'll drink this bottle of wine instead. Yeah. Which again, is pretty good. I'd probably try that over calling an ambulance. Oh, any day. Yeah. Any day. Yeah. Not make a few gins or something. Just see if that might help. Yeah, get that shower head squirting some nice cold water up there. anything. But yeah, two hours and a bottle of wine later. Wonder if she just like, just forgot about the Flamin' Hot Cheetos and that's like how long the hotness stayed on her fingers for. Yeah, it must just stay on your fingers for ages. Yeah. Wow. Well it stains, they're probably like stained as well, huh? Maybe we should try this. Okay. I'm gonna buy some. We'll test it in the office without touching ourselves after. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Like are they really flaming hot or what, you know? Yeah, they must be. Well, they would be on your vagina. Yeah. Yeah, we need to think so. Anything would be. Any little bit of spice would be. True. Okay. First time using a butt plug with my man and it went right up. ED doctor had to fish it out. Oh my God. They even used something with a fled base and it still got lost. I know. I was going to say, yeah. It must've been a small fled base, surely. Surely. Cause I feel sorry for those people. Cause you feel like. If you actually did it right and bought a butt plug rather than use Marmite, like you wouldn't get it lost, right? Cause of that fled base. So I do feel, I feel for that person. And again, these professionals have seen this before, you know, like at least you were doing the right thing using it. You didn't have to come in with a feeling on a piece of foot. Um, DIY butt plug. Yeah. I felt like, okay, I've learned something today. Well, everybody should always use a proper butt plug. A, it's got a flared base and you're unlikely to lose it. But B, it's a better story if you have to go to ED. Yeah, for sure. Well, we had a confession one week and they said that this woman had to go to ED because she got a bullet vibrator stuck inside her. And I'm assuming this was like vaginally stuck inside her. And I remember we were just like, oh my gosh, imagine, like I would just be trying to squat down in the shower to try and get it out first or like, yeah. And she said, you know, like, could, and Jo, I remember you saying, imagine like sitting down on the, like a hard hospital seat or something where you could still hear it like vibrating. Cause it was still going. Did she say that, yeah, it was still going. And so she said it was still going. and that you could hear it vibrating. And I just thought about everybody else. Cause you know how in DED, you've got like a good three to four hour wait usually, and people are coming and going. Like did all these people coming and going just have to hear a buzzing? Faint buzzing. Oh my God. Hopefully you got like front of the queue. That's what you should have to come up with. Yeah. Oh my God. So funny. All right. What's next on yours Viv? Radio, I have... I was getting off to a video online and I used Bluetooth to connect my AirPods. Afterwards, I went down to the living room and my parents had a blank look and said, "'Did you enjoy yourself?' Turns out the Bluetooth connected to the stereo system instead of my AirPods." No. Yeah, no. How did they live it? Oh no, I wonder if she just connected and then like was like, oh, there's no sound, it's not working. And then meanwhile, her parents are giving like the full experience downstairs. Well, why? Surround sounds. Yeah, surround sound. I don't understand why at the very first sign of it, the parents wouldn't have switched that whole system off. Like, yeah, well they might have. And then they might have still pulled it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my gosh. No, I don't think the right thing is to bring it up. If you're a parent listening to this. But clearly it's a mistake. It's a mistake. Okay. No, no, no. You know, it's like loud noises and dancing. Go and talk to your therapist about it, but not your poor kid that's just accidentally done it. Oh God. It's so true. I mean, could be a really healthy conversation starter around pornography that... I don't know, I feel like you don't need... I don't wish that on anyone. No, no, no. I feel like we can get around that without being like a literal experience happening. Yeah, that doesn't... that certainly doesn't add to the mood, put it that way. No. Not at all. My cousin went to ED with a pool ball stuck up his arse. Oh, no. That pool ball. Long gone. But again! a flared base. Yeah, how are we going to get that out? At what point did you think you were going to be able to hold on to a pole bowl? As soon as it's in there you'd lose like grip of it surely and then it's gone. Yeah I think you have like, I think there's like one or two sphincters in your bum and once like it's gone, once it goes past the second one or something it's done. Yeah. Like you can't. So that is, that is just so bad. We need to do a Facebook live in our group or something around a bit of education with butt play. We did do butt play for beginners. Yeah, Morgan did talk about this, but clearly we need to push this more. We're going to have to link this in the episode description. Yes, we will link that. I'm just confused. Like at what point, maybe they were super drunk and they're like, if girls can flick table tennis balls. Oh, kegel balls. Ping pong balls. Like if girls can like... shoot them I'm gonna try shoot a pool ball and then the only hole he had was his butt I don't know I don't know I just don't feel like enough thought went into that no not at all right my partner was away and I was pleasing myself and reached into the drawer thought it was lube nope it was massage oil safe to say I burnt myself and ended up with thrush what kind of oil is she using So I think you might think, I don't know, an oil, but I guess she must mean like anti-flamm, like sports massage oil or something. Yeah, like a heat balm. That would burn. Tiger balm. Yeah, like a tiger balm. Yeah, that would definitely burn. Ouch! I feel like you'd end up with a burn over thrush though. Oh my gosh. The vagina would not be very happy though. you put some anti-flaminate. Loob. Yeah, always make sure it's loob, guys. Yeah, maybe they use something different for lube. Your face looks so confused right now. I know, a liquid massage oil that's like, maybe it just had heat, yeah, like you say, it just had heat in it or something, yeah. Like it, yeah. Or like maybe essential oils and stuff, because actually, you know, like peppermint and stuff? Yeah, that would also burn. That gives you thrush, does it? That does burn because of, yeah. There was some, there was some soap at a friend's house I stayed at and it was like in a squirty bottle in the shower and it was the only soap in the shower so I just figured that's what they used as soap. And it was like this, some sort of high strength peppermint stuff. Apparently it was like a soap concentrate or something. And anyway, I came out burning and I was like... Oh my gosh. Anyway, so yeah, it could have just had peppermint or something in there. Oh my goodness. Yeah, anyway, either way, that is not how you want to end that kind of session. Husband came home after three weeks away, we went too hard and burst an ovarian cyst. This is like a low key anatomy class and I don't even know where some of these things are. I know where your ovaries are but... I can't imagine what that would feel like to burst an ovarian cyst. I did have one about like 10 years ago or something. And I remember going to the doctor because it was actually painful. And they had like, they scanned my tummy and I had this ovarian cyst, so it's like down the ovaries. And obviously, um, she must've been fricking horny to, to like go hard. Yeah, there's something like that's painful up there. Yeah. Well bursting it must have been a relief like a release Yeah You fixed me I don't know. You probably could get an infection or something. Also, you would know about it She knows that she's burnt and burst in ovarian. So she's obviously she obviously knows about it. So it can't have been that pleasant Yeah, well not the way I've given out any medical advice, but if you're wanting to burst your ovarian cyst. Get it done professionally. Um, go to the sex. Five back to back O's and my heart went out of rhythm, had to go to the doctor and all. Oh my gosh. God, there's quite a few medical events. That's some decent orgasms. Explaining that would be so funny. I don't know whether she was, was she by herself or with a partner? Like she masturbated away to a heart condition. I don't know. Yeah. Um, actually I'd like to know some more information around that one. Hey, funny. Um, yeah. And like, I guess like, again, these media professionals, they've seen it all. You just have to go up to go there and lay your cards on the table and say, look, I have five orgasms and now. My something's wrong with my heart. The doctors will probably be like, Oh, good job. Good job. Okay. Um, Oh gosh, why do I keep getting that asshole ones? Okay. Prolapsed my asshole using a dildo for the first time. Oh no. My mind just goes to like a big phallic dildo. Yeah, it must have been massive. They must have like. Yeah. They must have tried. For the first time, maybe try something smaller. Yeah. Yeah, definitely needs to link the butt play live in there. Yeah, but gross. Again, obviously an ED trip. Wow. That would be painful as well. Sorry, I'm just still amazed. It's like first time. Jimmy's gone too hard. Yeah, there obviously needs to be a little bit more education around this. I'm almost thinking instead of just butt play for beginners, we just do a full live on how to put things in your bum. Yeah, how to put things in your bum 101. Safely. A boy in trips to the ED. Yeah. Okay, I've got my last one here. And this one is I think this is like a longer version of one that we've heard before. In fact, I think this was probably one of our most popular Instagram posts that I've seen. So it says, I'd cooked with chilies for dinner, washed my hands didn't think anything of it. Later on was using my Missy Mini and decided to slip a couple of digits inside. Realized my mistake after two seconds, but it was too late. It was getting spicy and there ran around my house with wild leaves like a bloody crab trying to find a way to ease my suffering. Running water doesn't help. The spice is still increasing. Eventually grab a bag of frozen peas and spend the next 20 minutes in the bathroom, legs apart, leaning in the sink, looking at the mirror and cry laughing. Oh my God. Her explanation of that is so funny. Running around like a crab. Imagine if people were home. Yeah, how would you explain it to someone? That would be so funny. Well, maybe you just wouldn't even have time. You'd just have no choice. You'd run out there with your pants off and get the peas from the freezer. A girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. She was obviously hiding in the bathroom after that, so you never know. I know. You'd be tempted to slip a couple of those peas in, I think, just to cool down the inside. Yeah, hot tip, wash your hands, I think is the moral of the story from today as well. Yeah, I feel like today was a bit educational for some people, like learn from others mistakes. I definitely learned some valuable lessons. Oh, amazing. No, that's a stun. We shall wrap it up. So good to have you on with us, Courtney. Yeah, I reckon. Thanks so much for listening to another episode of the Girls Get Off podcast. You can find us on Instagram at girlsgetoff. You can join our Facebook group, Girls Get Off Uncensored. I think we've got more than 20,000 members in there at the moment. And if you'd like to leave us a rating or a review, that always helps us get higher in the charts. And every week we'll pick the most creative review to win a Missy Mini. Thanks for listening. Hey. Bye.