Welcome to your Queenie V 1 Week Sex Challenge

Words by Constance Hall: I hate to open with humbly citing my credentials, but in the age of grifting, credibilities are important. 

By the age of 30 I’d slept with 50 men, almost all of them I’d slept with more than once, some most days for a year. Yet when looking back,  I couldn’t actually remember a time that sex brought me joy. 

I spent my married years pretty much celibate and worked out what the bare minimum I could get away with engaging in it, while not officially qualifying as a sexless marriage. 

I went to uni and studied psychology, thinking I’d write a column called “sex in the suburbs” about the reality of long term love sex, but my studies fell through and I had to pull out 3 years and 46 weeks before qualifying due to personal issues related to my laziness. 

When I finally crawled out of that relationship with more baggage then I could squeeze into my mini van, dick was definitely the last thing Id planned to return to. 

But of course.. like with everything.. when you least expect it.. like crossing the road at the lights or lining up for a boost juice and suddenly a dick comes flying out of the sky and slaps you in the face. 

I met my husband Denim and begin the journey that would see me slowly transition into the woman before you… Mad c*nt Con. 

So while it may sound like I’ve created this challenge with no official qualifications, what I do have is life experience, both with the quantity and finally the quality and my sex life with Denim is what’s gave me the audacity to write this challenge. 

Denim and I are one of those grossly sexual couples, the first thing I noticed that was different about him was his interest in how my body works. “Do you like this? Or this more? Show me how you would do it?” 

At first I was shy, I’d spent my entire sex life thinking about what men wanted, even when I was talking about what I wanted it was because I assumed that was what men wanted to hear and suddenly I was being forced to delve into what I really wanted, which turns out isn’t to be left alone with my cheesecake. 

In fact it turns out I’m a bit of a grot. 

And after a decade of exploring and learning and trusting, I owe my marriage to our healthy sex life. 

Esther Perel says intimacy is the glue and honestly some days I look at my husband and think “everything about you  is so extremely irritating, if we didn’t have the sex we have I’d run for the hills” it really is powerful stuff. 

I call this a 1 week challenge because I think there is bennifit to  a good cluster fuck to reignite the flames. But there are 4 seperate challenges to be spread out over the week  or really however long you need, there are also  pro tips sprinkled throughout. 

These challenges and tips aren’t designed to be used just during the week, they’re  designed to be added to your relationships ever ever evolving sexual repertoire. 

And truthfully, I am not the sexpert I proclaim, I am just a woman who believes that if women are going to tolerate living with men, men who are obsessed with their dicks and fart in bed, when we could be living with our best friends happily ever ever. These fellas better at least be giving us a dam good rogering for our troubles.

It’s important to reconnect before taking the challenge, remind each other that at the end of the day, your all each other has. Your sex life is sacred, intimacy is vulnerability and you are safe hands to hold each others hearts and bodies in. 

Challenge 1

 

The Foreplay Dilemma

If foreplay is for before sex, yet it’s the only time that the majority of women get any sexual stimulation.. does that not sound a little any climatic? 

Yep. So we redefine our terms. Foreplay is now the act of taking some balls out of the air for your partner in order to free their brains up for sex. 

The acts of physical arousal, touching, sucking, licking and fucking are all lumped into the one category, fucking. 

His job 

-Foreplay first. 

Whatever it is, returning library books, doing the kids school project, changing all the sheets in the house (if that’s not already his job) just 1 thing to show her that he’s considering her because she’s a hot Queen that they are a team. 

Now for the sex, but this fuck is a strictly no penetration fuck. 

You are going to make her cum, before she makes you cum. And here are your instructions. 

Tell her she can keep scrolling her phone or watching Netflix, you don’t care you just want to make her cum. (I’m not sure why but when my husband says that it turns me on so much, maybe because it takes away any pressure) 

-Get those buckets down and lube up your fingers. 

-Take your pointer finger and softly begin circular clockwise motions around the clit, nothing directly on it, (unless your Queen tells you otherwise, tongues are the only thing that should directly touch that little diva,) 

Give that 10 mins, when in doubt go softer, if she doesn’t get there, time to go down town and if 10 mins of that doesn’t get her there, pull out the Queenie V, ask her to show you what pressure and position to hold it on and off you go. 

Worst case scenario, she gets herself there but you study that queen like you’re about to do a thesis on her pussy. 

(In rare cases a Queen might need a good dicking to cum, RARE but it’s your lucky day.)

And on my after she’s cum, she’s gonna make him cum, I’ll spare the instructions, most of us are pretty bloody good at it. 

But if you haven’t before, ask him about pressure preferences, how the head differs from the base, how fast he likes it, if your hand feels good enough or is he dying for your mouth. 

Pros tip, code words help, especially if you have thin walls, Denz calls going down on me munching and I find telling him I’m desperate to be munched much cuter then “can you give me oral please” 

Challenge 2 

 

Role Play

Couples who incorporate role play often have a couple of characters that they return to regularly. 

So for this challenge I’m lending you one of our regulars because it’s cute and harmless. 

You’re going to role play as your own former selves. Denz loves to fantasize over me as a hairdresser or bartender, he’s still a roof carpenter and he’s either got my number at the bar and is coming back in to bend me over it when we’re closed, or he comes into my salon for a haircut but instead I lock the doors and cannot help but ride him at the basin. 

To get things started, you have to have to start texting each other in character. Our sex text threads are an integral part of our sex life because we’re never alone for long enough to set up a fuck verbally and texting allows you to say things you might not feel comfy saying face to face. 

I spend an hour in the garden after getting the kids to bed most nights and that’s usually where I’ll be when I get the text along the lines of  “what time can I come and get a haircut?” 

Or I’ll send something like “everyone’s left the bar, don’t bother coming back h less yr prepared to shove that….” Ect 

It’s actually super fun to be someone else but still feel desired because I’m me. 

And if you’ve never done any role playing before, I certainly hadn’t- it’s a cute Segway into it. 

So come up with which version of him you want him to be, he doesn’t even have to be him from the past, he could be sliding doors him, who married someone else and is now fantasizing over slamming you, the fox who lives next door, hard up against the washing machine. 

Some of my other faves are, me being a sex worker and him being a client, don’t know why but the idea of being paid for sex has always turned me on so much.

The trick is that you do not break character- from the moment the t the text is sent from one of you in character, to the moment you’re done. 

Pro tip, the sex text thread is handy for all things sex related, from tricky conversations to dirty AF ones.

 

Challenge 3 

 

Leaving The Bedroom

This challenge is broken up into parts that can be ticked off at any point during the week, only do what you’re comfortable with and change them up to suit your lifestyles. 

Leaving the bedroom comes naturally to us because we still have a 7 year old in our bed.

So throughout the week your going to have completed the following acts, 

• Alone in the car, while he is driving, (I Was going to say suck him off while he drives but realised that’s dangerous and highly illegal so.. ) so instead she’s is going put her hand on his cock and rub the outside of his pants until he’s found a safe and secluded place to pull over and she’s going to suck him off. I.

-at some point during the weeks while she’s in the shower, he’s going to sneak in, turn off the light, lock the door and join her in the shower with her  Queenie V water proof vibrator to make her cum and if that turns in to fucking against the dryer or over the bathroom sink, if it’s not in your bed- you can consider it challenge accepted.

-Pro tip, make out. Kiss for at least 6 seconds to get the hormones moving, but (and I’m talking to mainly men or anyone who drinks or smokes) brush your teeth first, it just makes making out so much nicer.

-Pro tip, Find your inner sexual deviant alter ego. Mines “mad c”nt Con” because it cracks Denz up and what’s the point if you're not gonna be funny

Conclusion 

Congratulations on completing your sex challenge, if there is one couple out there feeling more energized and closer after their week long fuck fest, I have don’t my job. 

I often find it funny how many women think other women are all having this wild sex life when really we are all circular beings, our sex drive like everything else is tidal, it will come in and out. 

The key here is give putting sex first a try. What if sex isn’t the reward for being good at love, what if love is the reward for being good at sex.