My first introduction to dirty talk was when I was 16.
It was the formal after-party, I’d fearlessly skulled back three RTD’s and was overwhelmed with what can only be described as teenage horndog energy. Thankfully my crush, who I had nicknamed the Hand God, was on the same page and it resulted in a hard-core pashing sesh while Jason Derulo’s ‘Talk Dirty’ played in the background.
I can't tell you much about the encounter but I do remember feeling super smug about touching a boner for the first time and felt it was extremely fitting that a song about bumpy cuddles happened to be playing while we were doing something only two drunk teenagers could get away with - publicly dry humping.
Like any two 16-year-old horndogs, the following days involved smutty Snapchat's back and forth and me wondering if in real life dirty talk would be as easy as virtual reality.
We can only dream of such simple times now.
Unfortunately, my lack of self-confidence would only allow an odd curse word to seep through my lips during private humping sessions but dirty talk was something I desperately wanted to get an A+ in so I went to the two horniest places on the internet I knew of for advice.
Porn and Cosmopolitan.
I read everything, studied videos, I may as well have been a walking sexopedia, and learned that dirty talk is a huge skill. We are talking put it on your relationship CV type of skill - I mean who knew telling your boo thang how much you enjoy that cheeky swirl they did with their hips isn't as simple as saying, “hey lover if you keep doing that I’ll never get out of your dick sand.”
Not me, which is probably why the Hand God moved onto someone else approximately three weeks after the public dry humping incident but I’ve since learned.
And what I’ve learned is the world of dirty talk never seems to change despite how many times I type “how to talk dirty so well someone writes a song about it” into my Google search bar so here are a couple of tips and tricks that you might find handy during your next rendezvous.
IRL is not the same as sexting. When you’re quite literally breathing their air it’s not the time to become a poet who describes every detail down to the last inch of skin you’d like to lick because - and this is a bonus, you can act it out for real. Instead, use your words as if they are the icing on the cake.
Language is a great way to heat up a sexual situation and in some cases, it helps remove any anxiety or self-consciousness. Absorbing the moment and letting your partner know how much you're enjoying something or telling them how/what you would like them to do keeps the communication lines open and results in everyone having a good time.
Enjoy yourself. Despite mountains of research and experiments leading to cringe moments of ‘omg did that actually come out of my mouth", I have come to a realisation. The only thing I've learned over the years is how to please men. What they liked to hear, how women dirty talking made them feel, what phrases they reacted to the most and I never stopped to ask myself how dirty talk made me feel.
The thought only recently struck me, and since then I've answered the question I've been asking since I was 16. How did one woman become so good at dirty talk she ended up becoming a muse for Jason Derulo's song?
Plain and simply, she enjoyed herself while doing it.
Consensual sex is not only an exchange of energy but something to make us feel good so whether you’re into laying it all on the table with dirty talk or prefer to show your arousal in other ways, the secret to a good bang is being comfortable and confident.
— by Lillie Rohan